Mental abuse may not be visible to the eye, but the effects it leaves on a person who’s experienced it can be deep and long-lasting.
If you’ve experienced mental abuse or know someone who has, certain behaviours may stand out as a result of coping mechanisms developed during those tough times. Here are just a few of the ways a person who has faced mental abuse might behave, and why it’s important to approach these traits with compassion.
1. They apologise far too often.
Someone who’s been mentally abused might apologise a lot, even when they haven’t done anything wrong. Abuse often makes a person feel like they’re always in the wrong, so over-apologising becomes a way to avoid conflict or to calm down what they think might be anger from other people. It’s a habit born from feeling like they have to protect themselves from criticism, even when it’s not deserved.
2. They overthink every little decision.
Being mentally abused can make someone second-guess every choice they make, even if it’s something as simple as what to have for dinner. If someone’s been constantly criticised for even the smallest mistakes, they can get stuck in a loop of overthinking everything in order to avoid doing something wrong again. It can make everyday decisions feel huge and overwhelming, as they try to avoid the risk of making another mistake.
3. They find it really hard to trust people.
Mental abuse can shatter trust. A person who’s been through it may find it hard to believe that people have good intentions, and they might wonder if compliments are genuine or if kindness comes with strings attached. Building trust after experiencing abuse takes time and patience, and they may need a lot of reassurance before they can feel secure.
4. They have a hard time accepting compliments.
If someone’s been mentally abused, they might brush off or even downplay any compliments they receive. After all, if they’ve been told they’re not good enough in the past, any kind words can feel foreign or even suspicious. The key here is to be gentle with them, offering encouragement and positive reinforcement to help them rebuild their confidence, bit by bit.
5. They avoid confrontation like the plague.
For someone who’s been mentally abused, confrontation can feel like an invitation for more emotional or verbal attacks. Because of this, they might go to great lengths to avoid conflict, even when it’s important to stand up for themselves. That doesn’t make them weak; they’re just avoiding what they see as a threat. It’s their way of protecting themselves from more harm.
6. They overanalyse people’s words and actions.
Because mental abuse often involves manipulation and mind games, someone who’s been through it may start to pick apart every word and gesture, trying to figure out if there’s a hidden meaning behind it. Their over-analysis isn’t paranoia—it’s a survival mechanism. They’re hyper-vigilant because they’ve learned that every word or action could have a deeper, potentially harmful meaning.
7. They struggle with setting boundaries.
If someone’s been mentally abused, their sense of what’s acceptable or not can get really blurred. They might not know how to say “no” because they’ve been made to feel like they’re not allowed to have personal boundaries. It’s often out of fear of rejection or conflict, so they may let people overstep their comfort zones, even when it’s making them uncomfortable.
8. They have a heightened sensitivity to criticism.
Because mental abuse often involves a constant stream of criticism, even well-meaning feedback can feel like a personal attack. Someone who’s been through this may react defensively or withdraw, not because they can’t handle feedback, but because it reminds them of all the hurtful things they’ve heard before. Criticism, even constructive, can trigger old wounds.
9. They’re fiercely independent—or overly dependent.
There’s a fine line between being independent and becoming too dependent, and people who’ve been mentally abused can swing between both extremes. Some might become fiercely independent, refusing help from anyone to avoid feeling vulnerable. On the other hand, others may become overly reliant on everyone around them for reassurance and guidance, because they’ve lost confidence in their own abilities. Both behaviours are ways of coping with the damage caused by the abuse.
10. They seek validation constantly.
If someone’s been made to feel worthless or incapable, they may end up seeking validation from other people to feel like they’re doing okay. It might sound like they’re fishing for compliments, but really, they’re trying to rebuild their self-worth after it was torn down. They may ask, “Is this alright?” or “Do you think I did well?” It’s not about being needy—it’s about filling a void that abuse has left behind.
11. They downplay their own achievements.
Because mental abuse often involves belittling or dismissing someone’s accomplishments, people who’ve been through it might have a hard time acknowledging their own successes. Even if they’ve done something amazing, they might downplay it or act like it doesn’t matter. Encouraging them to recognise and celebrate their wins, no matter how small, can help change the way they see things and help them feel proud of themselves.
12. They may apologise for their emotions.
It’s common for someone who’s faced mental abuse to apologise for feeling something—whether it’s crying, being upset, or even feeling happy. Abuse often teaches people that their feelings are wrong or inconvenient, so they suppress their emotions or apologise for expressing them. Gently reassuring them that it’s okay to feel and express their emotions is key to helping them heal.
13. They can be overly accommodating.
People-pleasing becomes a survival mechanism for many abuse survivors. They might go out of their way to make everyone happy, even if it means sacrificing their own needs or comfort. It’s usually rooted in a fear of rejection or conflict, and while it may seem harmless, it’s often a sign of deeper insecurity. Offering reassurance and helping them feel safe in expressing their own needs can help break the cycle.
14. They find it hard to trust their own instincts.
Gaslighting is a common form of mental abuse, and it often leaves people doubting their own perceptions. A person who’s been through this might second-guess their own feelings, thoughts, or decisions, unsure if they’re making the right call. Encouraging them to trust their gut and validating their feelings can go a long way in rebuilding their confidence.
