Not everyone who’s toxic is a narcissist — they’re definitely not one and the same.
While it’s easy to write someone who’s draining, self-centred, and manipulative off as being a narcissist, that may not be the case. Toxic people come in all different forms, while narcissism encompasses a very specific set of qualities and behaviours. Here are some important differences you need to know between these terrible types of people you come across in life.
1. Narcissists crave admiration.
Narcissists often need constant praise and attention to feel good about themselves. They feed off admiration and look for ways to keep the spotlight on them. Without it, they might feel empty or unimportant. Toxic people may be difficult, but they don’t necessarily depend on admiration to the same extent.
2. Toxic people focus on control.
Plain old toxic people are often more interested in controlling situations or people around them. Their goal is to keep everyone in check to maintain a sense of power or influence. While narcissists may also seek control, they typically do so to get admiration, not simply for power’s sake. For toxic people, it’s more about dominating than impressing.
3. Narcissists lack empathy.
A true narcissist has trouble understanding or caring about anyone else’s feelings. They may respond to other people’s emotions in a shallow or dismissive way. Toxic people, on the other hand, can still feel empathy, even if they don’t always act on it. This lack of empathy is often what makes interactions with narcissists feel so one-sided.
4. Toxic people can be hurtful without being self-centred.
While narcissists are usually highly self-centred, toxic people may act hurtfully without necessarily thinking only of themselves. They may be harsh or negative without focusing solely on their own importance. Their behaviour may be damaging, but it’s not necessarily rooted in an obsession with their own image.
5. Narcissists deflect responsibility.
Narcissists rarely accept blame and often shift responsibility onto anyone and everyone else to protect their image. They may twist situations to make it seem like other people are at fault. Toxic people may do this too, but they don’t typically go to the same lengths to avoid accountability. Narcissists tend to make a habit of avoiding blame to maintain their self-image.
6. Toxic people can change.
One important distinction is that toxic people may be capable of change if they recognise their behaviour and want to improve. With some reflection, they may see the impact of their actions and make adjustments. Narcissists, however, rarely see a need to change, as they often believe they’re already superior or justified in their actions.
7. Narcissists need to be the centre of attention.
Narcissists thrive when they’re the focus and can become agitated or withdrawn if attention shifts away. They seek to be admired and praised, and may get upset when they aren’t. Toxic people might enjoy attention but don’t rely on it to feel validated. For narcissists, being the centre of attention is almost a requirement.
8. Toxic people are often reactive, not calculating.
Toxic people may react impulsively to situations, acting out of anger, jealousy, or frustration. Their behaviour is often more reactionary than planned. Narcissists, however, can be more calculating, planning interactions to maintain control or secure admiration. Toxic behaviour is often messy, while narcissistic behaviour is more deliberate.
9. Narcissists use manipulation to get what they want.
Narcissists often employ manipulation as a tool to maintain control and get admiration. They may use guilt, charm, or flattery to sway people in their favour. Toxic people may also be manipulative, but for narcissists, it’s a refined tactic to keep people where they want them. Narcissists know how to push the right buttons to keep themselves at the centre.
10. Toxic people don’t always need a “supply.”
Narcissists often rely on other people for their sense of worth, looking for “supply” through admiration or validation. They may attach themselves to people who will support their ego. Toxic people can be difficult or negative without depending on anyone else for constant validation. For narcissists, the need for a “supply” is central to their behaviour.
11. Narcissists often have a public persona to protect.
Narcissists may go to great lengths to keep up appearances and maintain a positive image. They want people to see them as successful, admirable, or even perfect. Toxic people may not care as much about their public image, as their behaviour is less centred on impressing other people. For narcissists, this public image is a core part of their identity.
12. Toxic people don’t necessarily exaggerate their accomplishments.
Narcissists often boast or exaggerate their achievements to seem more impressive. They thrive on other people’s admiration and may stretch the truth to get it. Toxic people might be negative or hurtful, but they’re usually less concerned with building themselves up in other people’s eyes. Narcissists rely on embellishment to feel validated.
13. Narcissists can be charming when it suits them.
Narcissists often have a charm that they turn on when they need something from someone. Their charm is calculated to win admiration or trust. Toxic people can be difficult, but they don’t usually have this ability to charm when it’s convenient. Narcissists know how to use their charisma to gain the upper hand.
14. Toxic people don’t require admiration to feel secure.
While toxic people can be negative or overbearing, they don’t need constant admiration to feel good about themselves. Narcissists, on the other hand, are driven by a need for validation and praise. Without admiration, they often feel insecure or resentful. Their dependence on admiration sets narcissists apart.
15. Narcissists tend to see other people as extensions of themselves.
Narcissists may struggle to see people as separate individuals with their own needs and goals. They often view people as tools to meet their own needs or boost their self-image. Toxic people may treat people poorly, but they don’t typically blur the boundaries in this way. For narcissists, other people’s lives are often just part of their own story.
