Parenting would be a whole lot easier if it came with a manual, that’s for sure.
However, there’s no one “right” way to raise or interact with your child — that depends on a variety of factors, including the type of relationship you have and the type of person they are. And while there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to keeping your connection with your child strong, especially when they’re no longer kids, there are some things you might be doing that push them further and further away.
1. Using their secrets as family entertainment
Nobody likes feeling like their personal stuff is a family-wide joke, and kids are no exception. When you share their private moments or struggles with other people, it gnaws away at their trust. Over time, they might start keeping things at a surface level, never really letting you in. To rebuild that trust, keep their confidences safe — it lets them know they can come to you without worry.
2. Turning every chat into a lecture
Kids can spot a “life lesson” a mile away. They might mention something minor, only for it to spiral into a full-blown lecture. Sometimes, they just want to vent or share what’s on their mind without feeling like they’re in a classroom. When you step back and just listen, they’re more likely to open up next time, knowing they won’t get a lecture.
3. Constantly bringing up their past mistakes
Dragging past slip-ups into current conversations shuts down any real progress. Kids need space to learn and grow without their old mistakes being held over them. If every talk involves a throwback to what they did wrong years ago, they’ll stop trying to share or improve. Focusing on the present lets them know they’re seen for who they are now, not just for past missteps.
4. Playing favourites
When siblings are treated differently, it doesn’t go unnoticed. Maybe one gets more praise or privileges, or maybe the expectations are just different. Kids pick up on even small discrepancies, and these little moments can snowball into big feelings of resentment or self-doubt. Fair treatment across the board helps create a more balanced and loving family dynamic.
5. Taking their feelings personally
Kids need room to experience their emotions without it turning into a reflection of your parenting. If they have a rough day or vent their frustrations, they’re not looking for you to take it to heart. By allowing them space to feel what they’re feeling without making it about yourself, you create a safe environment for them to express themselves honestly.
6. Using attention as a reward
When affection or attention is only given for “good” behaviour, kids start to associate love with performance. If they feel that attention is earned rather than freely given, it creates a cycle of anxiety and insecurity. Show them that your love is constant, regardless of achievements or mistakes, and they’ll feel more secure in your relationship.
7. Dismissing what they’re passionate about
Maybe their interests seem trivial or just plain silly to you, but to them, they mean a lot. When you brush off or mock what they care about, it sends the message that their passions don’t matter. Taking a genuine interest in their hobbies, no matter how small, shows them you’re supportive and engaged.
8. Making promises you don’t keep
Broken promises, even small ones, can lead to big trust issues down the line. If your word doesn’t hold up, kids learn not to rely on it, which makes them hesitant to believe you in the future. Following through on what you say, no matter how minor, shows them that you’re someone they can trust.
9. Forcing them to be emotional support
Kids aren’t equipped to handle adult problems. When you share financial stresses or relationship issues with them, it puts pressure on them to “fix” things they’re not responsible for. Protecting them from these burdens allows them to focus on being kids, free from adult worries.
10. Never admitting your mistakes
Parents mess up too, you know! Pretending you’re always right creates a wall between you and your child. Admitting when you’re wrong doesn’t weaken your authority; it actually strengthens it. When you own up to mistakes, it teaches them that accountability matters, and it builds mutual respect.
11. Making their achievements about you
Kids want to celebrate their wins without feeling like it’s all about what you sacrificed to get them there. When every achievement ties back to your effort or investment, it overshadows their own hard work. Let them own their successes; it boosts their confidence and gives them pride in their accomplishments.
12. Using guilt to control choices
Guilt-tripping might get the result you want in the short term, but it also chips away at their independence. They need the freedom to make decisions without feeling they’re letting you down. Supporting their autonomy helps them develop confidence in their own judgement.
13. Constantly comparing them to other people
When comparisons start flying, it sends the message that they’re not good enough. Each child has their own pace and strengths, and focusing on personal growth rather than what other people are doing lets them feel proud of who they are.
14. Punishing struggles instead of helping
Behaviour issues are often cries for help, not signs that they need more discipline. Punishing without understanding what’s really going on makes them hide their struggles. Being there to listen and support goes a lot further in building trust than just handing down consequences.
15. Parenting like they’re still toddlers
As kids grow, so do their needs for independence. Holding on too tightly or refusing to adjust your parenting style makes them feel stifled. Giving them room to make choices and explore within safe boundaries helps them develop into capable, self-assured adults.
