We all want to see the best in people, but sometimes we’re blind to the warning signs that someone’s not who they seem.
In fact, people reveal their true colours through their actions, not just their words. If you’re not paying attention, you could miss some glaring red flags that spell trouble down the line.
1. They constantly cancel plans at the last minute
We all have emergencies come up from time to time, but if someone is consistently flaking on you at the eleventh hour, it’s a sign that they don’t value your time or prioritise your relationship. A reliable friend or partner will make an effort to honour their commitments, not leave you hanging on the regular. If they can’t be bothered to show up for you, it might be time to re-evaluate their place in your life.
2. They’re always the victim in every story
Source: Unsplash Some people have a knack for turning every situation around to make themselves look like the innocent party. No matter what goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault — their boss, their ex, the traffic, the weather. They never take responsibility for their own actions or choices. This victim mentality is a major red flag because it means they’re not willing to own their part in conflicts or challenges. Steer clear of the eternal martyr.
3. They talk down to waitstaff or customer service workers
Source: Unsplash How someone treats people in service roles says a lot about their character. If your date is rude to the waiter, belittles the barista, or loses their cool with a call centre employee, it’s a glimpse into how they handle stress and power dynamics. A decent human being will treat everyone with basic respect and kindness, regardless of their job title. If they’re quick to demean or bully those in subordinate positions, run for the hills.
4. They gossip about their friends behind their backs
Source: Unsplash A little friendly venting is one thing, but if someone is constantly dishing dirt and revealing secrets about their supposed mates, it’s only a matter of time before you’re the subject of their loose lips. A true friend will respect people’s privacy and speak about them with care, even when they’re not around. If they’re always spilling tea and spreading rumours, they’re not someone you can trust with your own vulnerabilities.
5. They’re hot and cold with their affections
One day they’re love-bombing you with attention and affection, the next they’re distant and aloof. This push-pull dynamic is a classic sign of emotional manipulation. They keep you on your toes, never quite sure where you stand or what you’ve done to deserve their sudden coldness. A healthy relationship is built on consistency, not mind games. If their affections run hot and cold, it’s time to turn off the tap.
6. They never ask about your life or interests
Source: Unsplash A conversation with a self-absorbed person is a one-way street. They’ll prattle on about themselves for hours, but the moment you try to share something about your own life, they tune out or change the subject. They never ask follow-up questions or show genuine curiosity about your experiences. If someone can’t muster up basic interest in your thoughts and feelings, they’re not worth your time or energy.
7. They constantly one-up your stories and accomplishments
Source: Unsplash You got a promotion at work? They’re already gunning for CEO. You ran a 5K over the weekend? They’re training for an ultramarathon. No matter what you achieve or experience, they always have to top it with something bigger and better. This competitive streak is a sign of deep insecurity and a need to always be the centre of attention. A true friend will celebrate your successes, not try to overshadow them.
8. They pressure you to change your appearance or interests
A controlling partner or friend will try to mould you into their ideal version of you, rather than appreciating you for who you are. They might make snide comments about your clothes, your hobbies, or your hair, always with the implication that you’d be better off if you conformed to their preferences. A loving relationship is built on mutual acceptance and respect, not pressure to change or compromise your authentic self.
9. They give you the silent treatment when you disagree
Source: Unsplash Mature adults can handle conflicts and differences of opinion with open communication and compromise. Immature manipulators will resort to the silent treatment to punish you for daring to challenge them. They’ll give you the cold shoulder, ignore your texts, or storm off in a huff, all in an attempt to make you feel guilty and capitulate to their perspective. Don’t fall for this emotionally stunted tactic.
10. They make jokes at your expense
Source: Unsplash A little good-natured ribbing between friends is one thing, but if someone is constantly making cruel or humiliating jokes at your expense, they’re not your friend. They might play it off as “just kidding” or accuse you of being too sensitive, but the truth is, they get a kick out of putting you down and making you squirm. A real friend will build you up, not tear you down for cheap laughs.
11. They always expect you to pay or do favours for them
Source: Unsplash Some people see relationships as transactional, and they’re always looking for ways to get more than they give. They might “forget” their wallet when you go out to eat, or always expect you to be the one to drive or host. They’re quick to ask for favours, but suddenly busy when you need something in return. A balanced relationship is built on mutual give and take, not one-sided exploitation.
12. They dismiss or belittle your feelings
Source: Unsplash When you’re upset or frustrated, a good friend will lend a sympathetic ear and validate your emotions. A toxic person will minimise or dismiss your feelings, telling you that you’re overreacting or being too sensitive. They might even gaslight you, denying that they said or did something hurtful, or twisting the story to make you doubt your own perceptions. Your feelings are valid, and anyone who tells you otherwise is not on your side.
13. They’re always “too busy” to make time for you
Source: Unsplash We all have periods of being swamped with work or family obligations, but if someone is consistently too busy to carve out time for your relationship, it’s a sign that you’re not a priority. They might make grand promises about getting together soon, but they never follow through. A true friend will make an effort to stay connected, even if it’s just a quick phone call or coffee date. If they’re always MIA, it might be time to find someone who values your presence.
14. They flirt with other people in front of you
Whether you’re in a romantic relationship or just friends, it’s disrespectful and hurtful for someone to openly flirt with people in your presence. It’s a sign that they’re not fully committed to your bond, and they’re seeking validation and attention elsewhere. A loyal partner or friend will make you feel cherished and appreciated, not sidelined for someone else’s ego boost.
15. They never apologise or take responsibility for their actions
We all mess up sometimes, but a mature person will own their mistakes and offer a sincere apology. A toxic person will deflect blame, make excuses, or even try to turn the tables and make you feel like you’re the one who should be apologising. They’re more concerned with being right than being accountable. If someone can’t muster up a simple “I’m sorry” when they’ve hurt you, they’re not worth your forgiveness.
16. They pressure you to compromise your values or boundaries
A true friend will respect your moral code and personal boundaries, even if they don’t always agree with them. A manipulator will try to pressure you into doing things that make you uncomfortable, whether it’s lying, cheating, or engaging in risky behaviour. They might accuse you of being uptight or no fun, but the truth is, they don’t respect your right to say no. Anyone who tries to coerce you into betraying your own values is not looking out for your best interests.
