As your parents get older, you might notice they’re becoming even more stubborn.
You’re trying to do things to help them, but they resist you at every turn. It’s incredibly frustrating when they won’t listen to you, but losing your rag with them isn’t going to help the situation. Here’s how to deal with it as peacefully as possible.
1. Take a deep breath and remember they’re not trying to wind you up.
When your dad insists on climbing a ladder to clean the gutters despite his dodgy hip, it’s easy to lose your rag. But try to remember, he’s not doing it to annoy you. He’s just trying to hold on to his independence. Take a deep breath, count to ten, and approach the situation calmly.
2. Pick your battles wisely.
Does it really matter if Mum wants to wear her slippers to the shops? Probably not. Save your energy for the important stuff, like making sure they’re taking their meds or eating properly. You can’t win every argument, so focus on what really matters.
3. Try to see things from their perspective.
It’s frustrating when your parents seem stuck in their ways, but put yourself in their shoes for a moment. They’ve been doing things their way for decades. Change is scary at any age, let alone when you’re in your twilight years. A bit of empathy can go a long way.
4. Use the “sandwich” technique when suggesting changes.
Start with a positive, slip in the suggestion, and end with another positive. For example, “Dad, I love how independent you are. I wonder if we could look at some safer ways to keep the gutters clean? It would give me peace of mind, and you could still keep the house in top shape.” It’s all about the packaging.
5. Bring in reinforcements when needed.
Sometimes, your parents might be more willing to listen to someone else. If you’re banging your head against a brick wall, try getting their doctor, a family friend, or another relative to have a word. Just don’t make your parents feel like you’re ganging up on them.
6. Give them choices instead of commands.
Nobody likes being told what to do, especially not your parents who’ve been calling the shots for years. Instead of saying “You need to stop driving,” try “Would you prefer if I drove you to your appointments, or should we look into a taxi service?” Giving them options helps them feel in control.
7. Pick the right time for tricky conversations.
Don’t try to have a serious chat when everyone’s tired or stressed. Choose a time when you’re both relaxed and have plenty of time to talk things through. And for goodness’ sake, don’t bring up sensitive topics at family gatherings. That’s a recipe for disaster.
8. Use humour to lighten the mood.
A bit of gentle teasing can work wonders. If your mum’s being particularly stubborn, try saying something like, “Blimey, I wonder where I got my stubborn streak from?” with a wink. Just make sure your jokes are kind-hearted and not patronising.
9. Don’t treat them like children.
Your parents are adults with a lifetime of experience. Talking down to them or treating them like kids will only make them dig their heels in more. Respect their dignity and treat them as the adults they are, even when it’s challenging.
10. Look for compromises.
If your dad insists on mowing the lawn despite his bad back, maybe you can agree he’ll use a ride-on mower instead of pushing one. Or if your mum won’t give up cooking, perhaps she’ll agree to use a meal prep service for some of her meals. It’s about finding middle ground.
11. Acknowledge their feelings.
When your parents resist change, it’s often because they’re scared or frustrated. Recognise those feelings. Say something like, “I know this is hard, Mum. It must be really frustrating to need help with things you’ve always done yourself.” A little understanding can go a long way.
12. Be patient and persistent.
Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your parents won’t change overnight. Keep gently suggesting safer or healthier options. Sometimes, it takes a while for an idea to sink in. Don’t give up, but don’t nag either. It’s a delicate balance.
13. Take care of yourself too.
Dealing with stubborn parents can be exhausting. Make sure you’re looking after yourself as well. Take breaks, do things you enjoy, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. You can’t pour from an empty cup, as they say.
14. Use technology to your advantage.
If your parents are resistant to things like medical alert systems, try framing it as a cool new gadget instead of a necessity. “Look at this nifty smartwatch, Dad. It can track your steps and call for help if you need it.” Sometimes, it’s all in how you present it.
15. Know when to call in the professionals.
If your parents’ stubbornness is putting their health or safety at serious risk, it might be time to bring in a professional. A geriatric care manager or social worker can provide valuable advice and might be seen as a more neutral party.
16. Remember, it’s okay to set boundaries.
You’re trying to help, but you’re not responsible for every aspect of your parents’ lives. It’s okay to say no sometimes or to set limits on what you can do. Your mental health matters too, and setting boundaries can actually improve your relationship in the long run.
17. Focus on the positives.
Amidst all the frustration, don’t forget to appreciate the time you have with your parents. Share memories, laugh about old times, and create new ones. At the end of the day, that’s what really matters.
