When you get into a relationship, you expect it to be a partnership of equals.
No one wants to feel like their they’re more of a surrogate mother or father than a romantic partner, and if the dynamic skews in that direction, it has to be dealt with ASAP. However, bringing this up to your partner can be tough. You don’t want them to feel attacked, but you literally can’t go on feeling like you’re raising a child (or possibly another, if you do have legitimate kids). Here’s how to handle the situation with compassion and care.
1. Choose the right time to talk.
It’s important to pick a good moment for this conversation when neither of you is stressed or rushed. Make sure you both have the time and mental space to talk things through calmly. This way, you’ll both be in the right mindset to discuss it openly.
2. Start with how you feel.
Rather than pointing out what your partner is doing wrong, begin by talking about how you feel. It keeps the conversation from feeling like an attack and encourages them to listen more openly. Sharing your emotions makes it easier to connect and understand each other.
3. Keep the accusatory language to a minimum.
Don’t talk in absolutes or start pointing the finger about everything they’re doing wrong because this can make your partner feel defensive. Choosing neutral language can prevent unnecessary tension and keep the conversation productive.
4. Highlight the partnership aspect.
Remind your partner that you value your relationship as a partnership. Let them know you want to share responsibilities more equally, so you both feel like you’re on the same team. Emphasising teamwork can help create a sense of collaboration instead of conflict.
5. Be specific about what’s bothering you.
Instead of speaking in general terms, be clear about the specific actions or behaviours that make you feel more like a parent. Whether it’s about housework, finances, or decision-making, identifying these points makes the conversation more productive. This gives them a better understanding of what you’re feeling and why.
6. Offer suggestions for change.
It’s helpful to suggest ways things could change. Whether it’s sharing more chores or dividing responsibilities differently, offering practical solutions shows that you’re invested in making things better rather than just pointing out the problems. This also shows that you’re focused on improving the relationship, not just highlighting flaws.
7. Keep the tone calm and respectful.
It’s easy for sensitive topics to lead to heated discussions, but keeping a calm tone can help prevent the conversation from escalating. Staying respectful and patient encourages a more open dialogue where both of you can express your feelings. A calm approach helps the conversation stay productive and less emotionally charged.
8. Acknowledge your own role.
Sometimes, we take on more responsibility without realising it. Acknowledge your own role in the dynamic and express that you want to work together to shift things. Taking responsibility for your part shows that you’re not just placing blame, but working towards a solution together.
9. Focus on the positive outcomes.
Talk about how making changes could improve your relationship and create a stronger partnership. Focusing on the benefits of working together can make the conversation feel more constructive and less like criticism. Showing how positive changes will benefit both of you makes it easier to agree on solutions.
10. Be patient and give them time to process.
Your partner might not fully understand or agree with your perspective right away. That’s okay. Give them some time to think about what you’ve said, and don’t expect immediate changes. Allowing time for reflection helps them approach the changes at their own pace.
11. Reassure them that you love and appreciate them.
It’s important to remind your partner that this conversation doesn’t mean you love or value them any less. Reassure them that you’re bringing this up because you care about the relationship and want it to be as healthy as possible. Reinforcing your commitment to them strengthens the bond even through tough conversations.
12. Encourage open communication.
Let your partner know that you’re open to hearing their thoughts as well. It’s a two-way conversation, and they may have their own perspective on the dynamic. Encouraging their input shows that you respect their feelings and want to work together.
13. Set clear boundaries moving forward.
After discussing the issue, it’s helpful to set clear boundaries for the future. Whether it’s about dividing tasks or making decisions together, having agreed-upon boundaries can prevent the same issue from arising again. Clear expectations help both of you know what to expect going forward.
14. Follow up and check in.
Once you’ve had the conversation, it’s important to check in later to see how things are going. Following up shows that you’re committed to making things better and that you care about maintaining a balanced partnership. Regular check-ins ensure the changes stick and help build a stronger connection.
