If you’re constantly drawn to people who you know you can never be with, there’s something going on there.
Sure, you can’t help who you fall for, but it’s more than coincidental if someone already being in a relationship (or having no interest in being in one) seems to be a precursor to you being interested. So, why does it happen? There are several possible explanations, and the sooner you understand your reasoning, the sooner you can deal with it and develop healthier dating patterns.
1. The thrill of the chase gets you going.
There’s something exciting about pursuing someone who’s hard to get. It’s like a real-life romantic comedy, and you’re the star. The anticipation, the ‘will they, won’t they’ drama – it’s all part of the appeal. The chase can be addictive, giving you a rush that keeps you coming back for more. But remember, real life isn’t a movie, and the credits don’t always roll on a happy ending.
2. You’re scared of real intimacy.
Falling for someone unavailable might be your subconscious way of avoiding true closeness. When you’re attracted to someone you can’t have, you’re safe from the vulnerability that comes with a real relationship. It’s a sneaky way to keep your heart protected while still feeling the buzz of attraction, but this safety net might be holding you back from experiencing genuine connection.
3. You’re trying to prove your worth.
Sometimes, the appeal of an unavailable person lies in the challenge. You might think that if you can win them over, it proves how awesome you are. It’s like a twisted form of self-validation. But here’s the thing: your worth isn’t determined by your ability to attract someone who’s off-limits. You’re valuable just as you are, no conquest required.
4. You’re recreating old patterns.
Our childhood experiences shape our adult relationships more than we realise. If you had a parent or caregiver who was emotionally distant, you might unconsciously be drawn to similar dynamics in your romantic life. It’s familiar territory, even if it’s not healthy. Recognising these patterns is the first step to breaking them.
5. You’re not ready for a real relationship.
Let’s be real: relationships take work. By focusing on someone unavailable, you might be avoiding the responsibilities and compromises that come with a genuine partnership. It’s a way to enjoy the idea of love without dealing with the day-to-day realities. But if you’re doing this, it might be time to ask yourself what you’re really afraid of.
6. The fantasy is better than reality.
When someone’s unavailable, it’s easy to build them up in your mind as the perfect partner. You don’t have to deal with their flaws or annoying habits. The relationship exists in your imagination, where everything’s rosy. But real love happens in the messy, imperfect real world, not in your daydreams.
7. You enjoy the drama.
Source: Unsplash Let’s face it, forbidden love is dramatic. The ups and downs, the secret meetings, the ‘what ifs’ – it’s all very exciting. If your life feels a bit dull, an attraction to someone unavailable might be spicing things up. But is the drama really worth the emotional toll?
8. You’re afraid of commitment.
Source: Unsplash Falling for someone you can’t have is a great way to avoid commitment. You get to experience romantic feelings without the risk of actually having to follow through. It’s a safety net for those who are scared of diving into a real relationship. But at some point, you might need to face those fears head-on.
9. You have low self-esteem.
Source: Unsplash Sometimes, being attracted to unavailable people stems from not feeling worthy of a healthy, reciprocal relationship. You might subconsciously believe you don’t deserve someone who’s fully present and available. This is a tough cycle to break, but recognising it is the first step towards building healthier relationships – starting with the one you have with yourself.
10. You’re addicted to the highs and lows.
Source: Unsplash Relationships with unavailable people are often like emotional roller coasters. The rare moments of connection feel incredibly high because they’re so scarce. This contrast can be addictive. But constant ups and downs are exhausting in the long run. A steady, reliable connection might seem boring at first, but it’s much healthier in the long term.
11. You’re avoiding your own life issues.
Focusing on an unattainable person can be a great distraction from your own problems. Instead of dealing with your career stress or family drama, you’re busy obsessing over someone you can’t have. It’s a form of escapism. But remember, those issues will still be there when the fantasy fades.
12. You like feeling in control.
Paradoxically, pursuing someone unavailable can make you feel in control. You’re the one doing the chasing, setting the pace. There’s less risk of being blindsided or hurt because deep down, you know it’s not going anywhere. But this illusion of control might be preventing you from experiencing the beautiful unpredictability of a real relationship.
13. You’re attracted to the ‘broken bird’ syndrome.
Maybe you’re drawn to people who seem to need fixing. The unavailable person might have a troubled past or complex issues that make you want to swoop in and save the day. This desire to be the hero can be strong, but remember: it’s not your job to fix anyone, and people only change if they want to.
14. You’re confusing intensity with intimacy.
The rollercoaster of emotions that comes with wanting someone unavailable can feel a lot like love. The longing, the brief moments of connection – it’s all very intense. But intensity isn’t the same as true intimacy. Real closeness develops over time, through shared experiences and mutual vulnerability. Don’t let the drama of an unavailable attraction fool you into thinking it’s deeper than it is.
