When someone is being a jerk to you, the advice you’ll get from most people is just to “be the bigger person” and let it go.
However, that completely dismisses your (very valid) feelings of being angry, frustrated, hurt, etc. Sometimes turning the other cheek isn’t actually the best way to go, and even if it is, it’d be nice if people would listen to what you have to stay instead of immediately brushing off your emotions about being treated unkindly or unfairly. When this happens to you, here are some things you can say in response.
1. “I appreciate the advice, but my feelings are valid.”
This is a really balanced way to stand your ground without being confrontational. You get what they’re saying and why they’re saying that, but you’re also not going to dismiss your feelings for the sake of taking the high road. They should be willing to hear you out instead of ignoring the situation. That, or stay out of it.
2. “Being the bigger person doesn’t mean ignoring my own needs.”
This challenges the common misconception that being the bigger person always means sacrificing your own mental and emotional health. It emphasises that self-care and self-respect are important aspects of maturity. By saying this, you’re reframing the conversation to focus on the importance of addressing your needs and feelings, rather than suppressing them for the sake of appearing ‘bigger’ or more mature.
3. “I’m choosing to address this issue rather than avoid it.”
Sometimes it’s good to reframe your actions as a proactive choice rather than a failure to be the bigger person. After all, it’s often true that confronting issues head-on can sometimes be the more mature approach. By using this phrase, you’re saying that dealing with conflicts or expressing your feelings isn’t necessarily a sign of immaturity, but rather a step towards resolution and personal growth.
4. “Can we discuss why you feel I should ignore my feelings in this situation?”
This question turns the conversation back to the person giving the advice, encouraging them to reflect on why they’re suggesting you bottle up or downplay your emotions. They may not even realise that they’re doing this, so this can make them think a bit harder about what they’re saying and the implications of their so-called guidance.
5. “I believe addressing this issue is the responsible thing to do.”
This positions your choice to express your feelings or address a problem as a mature and responsible action. It challenges the notion that avoiding conflict is always the high road. When you point out how responsible you’re actually being by approaching things this way, you’re making it clear that dealing with issues directly can be a form of emotional maturity and personal accountability.
6. “Being the bigger person doesn’t always mean staying silent.”
This challenges the idea that maturity always equates to silence or passivity, especially because sometimes, speaking up is the more grown-up thing to do. It’s good to point out that true maturity can involve addressing issues directly and honestly, rather than always backing down or keeping quiet for the sake of peace.
7. “I respect myself too much to dismiss my own feelings.”
Source: Unsplash What a way to make your self-respect and the importance of honouring your own emotions clear. Valuing your feelings is an act of self-care and maturity, and this statement makes that clear. You know that acknowledging and respecting your own feelings is non-negotiable for your mental health and your personal growth, and that’s exactly what you’re doing.
8. “Let’s find a solution that respects everyone’s feelings, including mine.”
Source: Unsplash A good one for professional situations, this shifts the conversation towards finding a mutually respectful solution. It acknowledges that while being considerate of other people is important, your feelings shouldn’t be sidelined in the process. By suggesting this approach, you’re advocating for a more balanced resolution that takes everyone’s emotions into account. Fair’s fair!
9. “I’m choosing to be honest about how I feel.”
Source: Unsplash Expressing your feeling is an act of honesty and integrity, rather than a failure to be the bigger person, and this is a way of saying so. It suggests that being truthful about your emotions is a mature and courageous act. Open communication about feelings is a valuable aspect of personal and interpersonal growth, and it’d be great if everyone subscribed to that idea.
10. “Can we explore a way to resolve this that doesn’t involve dismissing my concerns?”
Source: Unsplash This question invites the other person to work with you in finding a solution that addresses the issue without ignoring your feelings. You’re willing to find a resolution while maintaining the importance of your perspective. When you ask this, you’re encouraging a more constructive approach to the situation, one that respects your emotions while still aiming for a positive outcome.
11. “I believe facing this issue head-on is the mature approach.”
Source: Unsplash Why not challenge the notion that avoidance or silence is always the most mature reaction? It positions addressing the problem directly as a sign of emotional maturity and courage. You’re redefining what it means to be ‘the bigger person’, especially since true maturity involves confronting issues rather than sidestepping them.
12. “My goal is to resolve this, not to prove who’s bigger.”
Source: Unsplash This shifts the focus from a contest of maturity to the actual resolution of the issue at hand. It emphasises your commitment to finding a genuine solution, rather than just appearing to be more mature. It’s a good way of redirecting the conversation towards productive problem-solving and away from unhelpful comparisons of who’s being ‘bigger’.
13. “I’m choosing to set healthy boundaries, which is part of being mature.”
Source: Unsplash This reframes the act of expressing your feelings or standing up for yourself as an important aspect of setting healthy boundaries. It suggests that true maturity involves knowing when to assert oneself. It’s a good way of educating the other person about the importance of boundaries in mature relationships and personal growth.
14. “Let’s focus on understanding each other rather than dismissing feelings.”
This is a more empathetic approach to the situation because it shifts the conversation from suppressing emotions to mutual understanding. By suggesting this, you’re promoting a more constructive conversation that values both people’s perspectives and feelings, which is often a more mature way to handle conflicts or misunderstandings.
15. “I respect your opinion, but I need to honour my own feelings too.”
Source: Unsplash This acknowledges the other person’s viewpoint while firmly asserting your right to your own emotions. It strikes a balance between respect for others and self-respect. You’re demonstrating that maturity involves both considering other people’s perspectives and valuing your own emotional needs, and frankly, that’s pretty big of you.
