Narcissists don’t just control and manipulate their victims — they often use other people to do even more damage.
This role, often known as the “flying monkey” role, sees you basically doing the narcissist’s bidding, often treating someone terrible for no real reason other than that the narcissist told you to. The worst part is, you might not even realise you’re being used in this way. Here are some warning signs to look out for so you don’t unwittingly become a tool in a narcissist’s sick game.
1. You’re constantly defending their behaviour to other people.
If you notice you’re constantly justifying or explaining away their bad behaviour to other people, it’s a sign you’ve been pulled into their web. Whether it’s brushing off rude comments or downplaying their hurtful actions, defending them only enables their toxic behaviour. It’s easy to get caught up in the desire to avoid conflict, but it means you’re helping them avoid accountability.
2. You’re the one delivering the narcissist’s criticisms to other people.
Have you ever found yourself telling someone off or delivering harsh feedback, only to realise you’re saying things the narcissist put in your head? Narcissists often send their flying monkeys to do their dirty work, getting them to deliver criticisms or hurtful messages on their behalf. If you’re finding yourself being their mouthpiece, it’s time to take a step back and question why you’re involved.
3. You’ve started questioning the motives of people the narcissist doesn’t like.
Narcissists are skilled at making you see people through their distorted lens. If you’ve started viewing their enemies with suspicion, even though you have no personal reason to distrust them, it’s a sign you’re being influenced. The narcissist is likely feeding you a narrative that serves their own agenda, and you’re unknowingly acting as a soldier in their personal vendetta.
4. You’re the go-between for all the narcissist’s dramas and conflicts.
If you’re often caught in the middle of their disputes, relaying messages or getting involved in situations that have nothing to do with you, you’re acting as their flying monkey. Narcissists love using other people to stir the pot or create drama, and you may end up playing mediator or messenger for their conflicts, helping them keep the chaos going without realising it.
5. You start distancing yourself from people the narcissist has issues with.
When the narcissist has a problem with someone, do you start pulling away from that person too? This is a classic flying monkey move—siding with the narcissist by cutting ties with people who have done nothing to hurt you. By isolating yourself from anyone who isn’t in the narcissist’s good graces, you’re playing right into their hands and helping them control the social dynamics.
6. You share personal information about people with the narcissist.
Narcissists thrive on gathering information to use against people later, and if you’re regularly feeding them details about your friends or family, you’re doing their dirty work. You might think you’re just chatting or venting, but the narcissist is likely collecting these stories for their own purposes—using you as a tool to gather intel on people.
7. You feel responsible for helping them “take down” their enemies.
If the narcissist is targeting someone, and you’ve started feeling like it’s your duty to help expose or punish that person, you’ve officially become their flying monkey. Narcissists often recruit people to join in their campaigns against people, convincing them that their victim deserves what’s coming. If you’re finding yourself actively involved in their grudges, you’re doing their bidding.
8. You minimise the narcissist’s toxic behaviour to other people.
When friends or family point out the narcissist’s problematic actions, do you end up brushing it off? By downplaying their behaviour—saying things like “they didn’t mean it that way” or “that’s just how they are”—you’re enabling them to continue without facing consequences. You’ve become their shield, protecting them from criticism and making it harder for people to see the real harm they’re causing.
9. You gossip or spread rumours on their behalf.
If you’ve found yourself repeating negative things the narcissist has said about other people, especially when those people aren’t around to defend themselves, you’re acting as their flying monkey. Narcissists love to plant seeds of doubt and discord, and they often use people to spread rumours or create tension. Be mindful if you’re getting involved in this behaviour without really knowing why.
10. You go along with their smear campaigns.
When a narcissist decides someone needs to be taken down, they’ll often recruit people to join in on the smear campaign. If you’ve found yourself badmouthing someone who’s crossed them, even if you don’t have first-hand experience with the person, you’re being used. The narcissist is manipulating you into helping destroy someone’s reputation.
11. You feel pressured to agree with everything they say.
Narcissists don’t like dissent, and if you’ve found yourself agreeing with their opinions or going along with their version of events just to avoid conflict, it’s a sign you’ve been roped into their agenda. You’re helping them create an echo chamber where only their perspective is valid, which further enables their manipulative behaviour.
12. You’ve started enforcing their rules or expectations on other people.
If you’re stepping in to make sure people follow the narcissist’s rules—whether it’s within a friend group, workplace, or family—you’re acting as their enforcer. Narcissists often use flying monkeys to uphold their standards, even when those expectations are unreasonable. If you’re policing everyone on the narcissist’s behalf, you’re playing their game.
13. You feel like you need to keep secrets for them.
Narcissists often ask their flying monkeys to keep things under wraps—whether it’s about conflicts, personal information, or manipulative plans. If you find yourself keeping their secrets, especially when it’s making you uncomfortable or creating tension in your other relationships, you’re being used to protect their image.
14. You’re exhausted from constantly trying to prove your love and loyalty.
Narcissists often demand constant demonstrations of affection and loyalty. If you feel like you’re always trying to prove your commitment, yet it’s never enough, you’re likely caught in their web. This endless quest for validation is emotionally draining and can leave you feeling inadequate and insecure in the relationship.
15. You’re their emotional spokesperson.
If you’ve taken it upon yourself to explain the narcissist’s feelings or motivations to other people, you’ve slipped into the role of their emotional representative. Narcissists often avoid taking responsibility for how they affect people, and if you’re left explaining their side of the story, you’re enabling their avoidance of accountability.
16. You feel obligated to protect their reputation at all costs.
If you find yourself constantly jumping to their defence whenever someone criticises them, even if the criticism is warranted, you’re acting as their protector. Narcissists often rely on flying monkeys to maintain their image, using them to fend off any threats to their carefully crafted persona.
