Consistency is key for kids — it’s how they feel safe and secure while growing up.
That’s why children who grow up with inconsistency — whether in regard to rules, punishments, or even affection — can be so damaging, leaving a lasting effect long into adulthood. Here are some traits people who’ve experienced this sort of upbringing are likely to experience.
1. They struggle with trusting people.
People raised by inconsistent parents often find it hard to trust other people fully. The unpredictable nature of their childhood environment taught them that people, even those closest to them, can be unreliable. Their wariness extends into adult relationships, making it challenging to form deep, trusting bonds with friends, partners, or colleagues.
2. They find setting and maintaining boundaries nearly impossible.
Without consistent examples of healthy boundaries in childhood, these people may struggle to establish and enforce their own limits. They might oscillate between being overly permissive and excessively rigid, mirroring the inconsistent boundaries they experienced growing up. This can lead to trouble in personal and professional relationships.
3. They often seek validation from external sources.
Growing up with inconsistent parenting can lead to an insecure sense of self. As adults, these people may constantly chase approval and validation from other people, struggling to trust their own judgement or feel confident in their decisions. Their incessant need for external affirmation can make them vulnerable to manipulation or unhealthy relationships.
4. They may develop anxiety or hypervigilance.
The unpredictability of their childhood environment often leads to heightened anxiety in adulthood. They may be constantly on edge, anticipating sudden changes or disappointments. The saddest part is that hypervigilance can be exhausting and may interfere with their ability to relax or enjoy the present moment.
5. They struggle with emotional regulation.
Without consistent modelling of healthy emotional expression, they may have trouble managing their own emotions. They might experience intense mood swings, struggle to calm themselves when upset, or have trouble identifying and expressing their feelings appropriately. This can lead to challenges in both personal and professional relationships.
6. They often have a fear of abandonment.
The inconsistent presence or support from parents can instil a deep-seated fear of abandonment. As adults, they might become overly clingy in relationships or push people away preemptively to avoid being left. Such a deep-seated fear can make it hard to maintain healthy, balanced relationships.
7. They may develop perfectionist tendencies.
In an attempt to gain consistent approval or avoid unpredictable reactions, they often develop perfectionist traits. They may set unrealistically high standards for themselves, fearing that anything less than perfect will lead to rejection or disappointment. Needless to say, their perfectionism can lead to chronic stress and burnout.
8. They often struggle with decision-making.
Growing up in an environment where reactions to their choices were unpredictable, they may develop decision paralysis. They might agonise over even small decisions, fearing negative consequences. Their indecisiveness can really hold them back in life, both personally and professionally.
9. They may waffle when it comes to forming a stable self-identity.
Inconsistent parenting can lead to a fragmented sense of self. They might struggle to define their own values, preferences, and goals, instead adapting to please people or avoid conflict. Their lack of a stable identity can lead to feelings of emptiness or confusion about their place in the world.
10. They often engage in people-pleasing behaviours.
To navigate the unpredictable reactions of inconsistent parents, many develop a habit of people-pleasing. As adults, they may prioritise other people’s needs and wants over their own, often to their own detriment. This can lead to resentment, burnout, and a loss of personal authenticity.
11. They may struggle with commitment.
The inconsistency in their childhood can make long-term commitments feel daunting. Whether in relationships, careers, or personal goals, they might find it hard to fully invest themselves, always anticipating potential disappointment or sudden changes. As a result, they might stop short of fully embracing opportunities for growth and connection.
12. They often have a heightened sensitivity to criticism.
Growing up with unpredictable feedback can make them particularly sensitive to criticism. Even constructive feedback might be taken as a personal attack, triggering intense emotional reactions. Their sensitivity often limits personal growth and professional development, as they struggle to accept and learn from feedback.
13. They may develop codependent tendencies.
Source: Unsplash The inconsistent nurturing in childhood can lead to codependent behaviours in adulthood. They might form relationships where they excessively rely on other people for approval and self-worth, or conversely, where they feel responsible for managing everyone else’s emotions. This can result in unbalanced, unhealthy relationship dynamics.
14. They often struggle with self-care and self-compassion.
Source: Unsplash Without consistent modelling of self-care, they may neglect their own needs. They might push themselves too hard, ignore signs of burnout, or struggle to treat themselves with kindness. Their lack of self-compassion can lead to chronic stress, mental health issues, and more.
15. They may doubt their own judgement and perceptions.
Inconsistent parenting can lead to a phenomenon known as ‘gaslighting’, where children learn to doubt their own experiences. As adults, they might struggle to trust their own perceptions or memories, often second-guessing themselves. Living with so much self-doubt can make it challenging to assert themselves or make confident decisions.
16. They often have a complicated relationship with authority figures.
The unpredictable nature of their childhood authority figures can lead to challenges with authority in adulthood. They might oscillate between being overly compliant and rebellious, struggling to find a balanced, healthy approach to dealing with superiors at work or other authority figures in their lives.
17. They may struggle with maintaining consistent habits or routines.
Without a consistent structure in childhood, they might find it challenging to establish and maintain regular habits or routines as adults. They may struggle with time management, procrastination, or following through on long-term goals. The inconsistency can impact various areas of life, from personal health to professional success.
