You might think you’d have noticed that your partner has a personality disorder before marrying them, but that’s not necessarily true.
While not common, personality disorders can develop later in life. Or, maybe your partner always showed subtle signs of a personality disorder that have got worse over the years due to trauma or other life circumstances. Whatever the case, it’s important to know what you’re dealing with so that you can help your spouse get the help they need to live the happiest, healthiest life possible (and preserve your marriage).
1. They have extreme mood swings.
One minute they’re on top of the world, the next they’re in the depths of despair, and these rapid mood changes seem to happen without any obvious trigger. You’re basically living on an emotional rollercoaster, never knowing what to expect from one moment to the next. So much unpredictability can leave you feeling constantly on edge, unsure of how to act or what to say to avoid triggering another mood shift.
2. They’re overly jealous and possessive.
Their jealousy goes beyond normal concern. They might accuse you of cheating without any evidence or try to control who you spend time with, which can make you feel suffocated and constantly on edge, always trying to prove your loyalty. Over time, so much intense jealousy can isolate you from friends and family, as you try to avoid situations that might trigger their suspicions.
3. They have a hard time maintaining relationships.
You’ve noticed they don’t have many long-term friends or family connections. They might have a history of falling out with people or burning bridges over seemingly minor issues, and this pattern extends beyond romantic relationships to all areas of their life. You may end up becoming their sole source of social interaction and emotional support, which can be exhausting and overwhelming.
4. They lack empathy.
When you’re upset or going through a tough time, they seem unable to understand or share your feelings. They might even get annoyed at you for being emotional, and it can make you feel incredibly lonely, even when you’re together. You may start to hide your true feelings to avoid their dismissive or irritated responses, leading to a breakdown in emotional intimacy.
5. They have an unstable sense of self.
Their interests, values, and even personality seem to shift dramatically over time. You feel like you’re living with a different person from one day to the next. Their instability can leave you feeling confused and uncertain about who they really are. It may also make it hard to plan for the future or make long-term decisions together, as their goals and desires seem to be constantly changing.
6. They’re overly dependent on you.
They rely on you for everything, from making decisions to managing their emotions. This level of dependency can be exhausting, making you feel more like a parent than a partner. You end up constantly walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting them. This dynamic can lead to resentment on your part and a loss of respect for them, as you struggle to maintain a balanced, adult relationship.
7. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance.
They believe they’re special and superior to others. This inflated self-image often leads to them expecting constant praise and admiration. You might feel like nothing you do is ever good enough to meet their high standards. Their grandiosity can also lead to conflicts in social situations, as other people will likely be put off by their arrogant behaviour.
8. They struggle with anger management.
Their anger seems disproportionate to the situation and can come out of nowhere. Maybe they have outbursts a lot or prolonged periods of seething rage. Either way, living with this constant threat of anger can be incredibly stressful and frightening. You might even start changing your behaviour and suppressing your own needs to avoid triggering their anger, which can lead to a loss of your own identity over time.
9. They engage in risky or impulsive behaviour.
Whether it’s reckless driving, substance abuse, or excessive spending, they seem to act without considering the consequences. Their impulsivity can lead to financial problems, legal issues, or health concerns that affect both of you. You might feel like you’re constantly cleaning up their messes or dealing with the fallout from their impulsive decisions, which can be emotionally and financially draining.
10. They have an intense fear of abandonment.
They panic at the thought of being alone or you leaving them, and this fear might lead to clingy behaviour or dramatic reactions when you need to spend time apart. You might feel guilty for wanting to do things independently. Their intense fear of abandonment can also manifest in manipulative behaviours, such as threatening self-harm if you try to leave, trapping you in a cycle of guilt and obligation.
11. They frequently lie or exaggerate.
You’ve caught them in lies, big and small, and they seem to embellish stories to make themselves look better. They don’t realise that their dishonesty erodes trust in your relationship and leaves you questioning everything they say. Over time, you become hypervigilant, always looking for signs of deceit, which can be exhausting and damaging to your own mental health.
12. They lack accountability.
They never seem to take responsibility for their actions or mistakes. It’s always someone else’s fault, often yours. So much constant blame-shifting can leave you feeling guilty and questioning your own judgement. As a result, you end up apologising for things that aren’t your fault just to keep the peace, leading to a distorted sense of reality and self-doubt.
13. They have a pattern of unstable relationships.
Their past romantic relationships have been chaotic or short-lived, and they tend to talk badly about all of their exes. It’s a pattern that makes you wonder about the stability of your own relationship with them. You may find yourself constantly trying to prove that you’re different from their exes, putting immense pressure on yourself to maintain the relationship at all costs.
14. They’re hypersensitive to criticism.
Even the slightest perceived criticism sends them into a tailspin — they might react with rage or withdraw completely. Unfortunately, their hypersensitivity makes it hard to have honest conversations about your relationship. Over time, you might start to suppress your own thoughts and feelings to avoid their reactions. That’s a one-way ticket to a breakdown in communication and emotional intimacy.
15. They have a chronic feeling of emptiness.
They often express feeling empty or unfulfilled, regardless of what’s happening in their life. Because of this, they’re always looking for constant stimulation or dramatic changes to feel alive, and you end up exhausted from trying to fill the void for them. You’re constantly planning activities or providing emotional support that never seems to be enough.
16. They struggle with maintaining a stable job.
Their work history is filled with short-term jobs and conflicts with coworkers or bosses, and the fact that they’re so unstable can lead to financial stress and put pressure on you to be the stable provider. You end up constantly worrying about job security and financial stability, which can create resentment and anxiety in the relationship.
17. They have black-and-white thinking.
In their world, people and situations are all good or all bad, with no middle ground. Such extreme thinking can lead to dramatic shifts in how they see you and everyone else in their life, often swinging from idealisation to devaluation. You may feel like you’re walking on a tightrope, never sure if you’ll be seen as perfect or worthless on any given day, which can be emotionally exhausting and destabilising.
18. They have difficulty with object constancy.
When you’re not physically present, they seem to forget your positive qualities or the good times you’ve shared, so they end up treating you badly when you’re apart or reuniting. You might feel like you have to constantly remind them of your love and commitment, as if your relationship resets every time you’re not together, which can be emotionally draining and create insecurity.
19. They show a lack of remorse.
Even when their actions clearly hurt you, they struggle to show genuine remorse or make amends. Their lack of accountability can leave you feeling unvalued and unheard in the relationship. Over time, this can lead to a build-up of unresolved hurts and resentments, and that makes it really hard to maintain emotional closeness and trust.
