It’s really not that hard to be a good ally to LGBTQIA+ people.
If you have friends in your life who are part of this community, hopefully you’ve developed some more sensitivities about what’s appropriate to say and what isn’t. No matter how well-intentioned you might be or how close you are with them, there are certain things they never want to hear from their friends — and yes, that means you.
1. “Which one of you is the man/woman in the relationship?”
Source: Unsplash This question imposes heteronormative roles on same-sex relationships, and it’s based on outdated stereotypes and ignores the fact that many LGBTQIA+ relationships don’t conform to traditional gender roles. Each relationship is unique, and it’s best not to make assumptions about how partners divide responsibilities or express their identities. Plus, it’s not really any of your business!
2. “You don’t look gay/trans/etc.”
You can’t judge people by their appearances, and saying stuff like this perpetuates harmful stereotypes about how LGBTQIA+ people should look or behave. There’s no one way to “look” gay, trans, or any other identity. These comments can make people feel invalidated or pressured to conform to certain expectations. It’s important to remember that LGBTQIA+ people are diverse in their appearances and expressions.
3. “It’s just a phase.”
Dismissing someone’s identity as a temporary state is incredibly disrespectful, and it undermines the often difficult journey many LGBTQIA+ people go through to understand and accept themselves. Coming out requires a lot of courage and self-reflection, and suggesting it’s not genuine can be deeply hurtful.
4. “Have you tried not being gay/trans/etc.?”
People who say stuff like this obviously believe (wrongly) that being LGBTQIA+ is a choice or something that can be changed. Sexual orientation and gender identity are fundamental aspects of a person’s identity, not lifestyle choices. Suggesting otherwise can be offensive and may promote harmful ideas about conversion therapy (which the UK is still dragging its heels on banning, by the way).
5. “You’re too pretty to be a lesbian” or “You’re too handsome to be gay.”
These comments are not compliments; they reinforce stereotypes about LGBTQIA+ appearances and suggest that being attractive is incompatible with being gay or lesbian. It’s a backhanded compliment that undermines a person’s identity based on their looks.
6. “Who turned you gay?”
Are people really dense enough to believe that someone or something “causes” a person to be LGBTQIA+? Sexual orientation and gender identity are not the result of external influences or specific events. They are intrinsic aspects of a person’s identity that often become apparent over time.
7. “I’m fine with it as long as you don’t hit on me.”
This is both presumptuous and offensive. It assumes that LGBTQIA+ people are attracted to everyone of the same gender and can’t control their attractions. It also implies that being LGBTQIA+ is only acceptable under certain conditions. Your friends’ identities are not threats to you.
8. “You’re so brave for being out.”
While this might seem like a compliment, it can make LGBTQIA+ people feel othered or like their identity is seen as a burden. Being out should be as normal as being straight or cisgender. Instead of praising bravery, focus on creating an environment where being out feels safe and natural.
9. “What’s your ‘real’ name?” (to a trans person)
Asking a trans person about their birth name (often called their “deadname”) is invasive and disrespectful. A person’s chosen name is their real name. Focusing on their past identity can be hurtful and invalidating to their current identity.
10. “But you’ve dated people of the opposite gender before.”
Sexual orientation can be fluid, and past relationships don’t invalidate current identities. Many LGBTQIA+ people date people of different genders before fully understanding their identity. Questioning someone’s identity based on their dating history is inappropriate and can make them feel doubted or misunderstood.
11. “You just haven’t met the right person yet.”
This is particularly offensive to asexual or aromantic people, but it can be hurtful to anyone in the LGBTQIA+ community. It suggests that their identity is somehow incomplete or invalid until they have a certain type of relationship. Accept that your friend knows themselves best.
12. “How do you, you know, do it?”
Asking about someone’s intimate life is invasive, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. LGBTQIA+ people often face inappropriate questions about their intimate lives that wouldn’t be asked of cisgender or heterosexual people. Respect their privacy and don’t pry into personal matters unless they choose to discuss them.
13. “I would have never guessed!”
This reaction to someone coming out implies that there’s a certain way LGBTQIA+ people should look or act. It can make the person feel like they don’t fit into either straight/cisgender or LGBTQIA+ communities. Instead, respond with support and acceptance without commenting on how well they “pass” as straight or cisgender.
14. “Don’t you worry about AIDS?”
This question perpetuates harmful stereotypes about LGBTQIA+ people and HIV/AIDS. It’s based on outdated and incorrect information that stigmatises both LGBTQIA+ people and those living with HIV/AIDS. Sexual health is important for everyone, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity.
15. “I don’t see you as gay/trans/etc., I just see you as a person.”
While this might be intended as a supportive statement, it can feel invalidating. A person’s LGBTQIA+ identity is an important part of who they are. Saying you don’t “see” it suggests that you’re ignoring or dismissing a significant aspect of their life and experiences. Instead, acknowledge and respect their identity as part of the whole person they are.
