When someone’s in pain, whether physical or emotional, it’s hard to know the right thing to say.
Sometimes, even well-intentioned comments can make things worse, and that’s the last thing you want to do. While it might be better to stay silent and just offer your support, if you do feel compelled to come up with something encouraging, here are some things that are best left unsaid when someone’s going through a tough time.
1. “It could be worse.”
Saying this is never helpful — it minimises what the person is going through. Sure, things could always be worse, but that doesn’t make their current pain any less real or valid. It can make them feel like they’re not allowed to be upset about their situation. Instead of offering comfort, it often leaves people feeling dismissed and misunderstood.
2. “Everything happens for a reason.”
While some find comfort in this idea, for many, it’s not helpful to hear when they’re in the midst of suffering. It can feel like their pain is being brushed off as part of some grand plan. This can also make people feel like they’re wrong for being upset, as if they should just accept their pain as inevitable or meaningful.
3. “I know exactly how you feel.”
Even if you’ve been through something similar, everyone’s experience is unique. This statement can come across as dismissive of the individual nature of their pain. It shifts the focus away from their experience and onto yours. Instead of feeling understood, they might feel like their personal struggle is being overshadowed.
4. “Just think positive.”
Positive thinking has its place, but telling someone to “just think positive” when they’re in pain oversimplifies their struggle. It implies that their negative feelings are a choice, and that they could feel better if they just tried harder. This can add guilt to their already difficult situation, making them feel like they’re failing at managing their own pain.
5. “At least…”
Statements that start with “at least” often attempt to find a silver lining, but they can come across as dismissive. “At least you’re young,” “At least you have other children,” or “At least you still have your job” — these comments ignore the real pain the person is feeling. It’s an attempt to bright-side a situation that might not have a bright side yet.
6. “You should…”
Giving unsolicited advice, especially with the words “you should,” can be frustrating for someone in pain. It assumes they haven’t thought of solutions or aren’t doing enough to help themselves. This can make them feel inadequate or misunderstood, especially if they’re not in a place where they can act on advice.
7. “Don’t cry.”
Telling someone not to cry invalidates their emotional response. Crying is a natural reaction to pain and sadness, and it can be a healthy release. By telling someone not to cry, you’re essentially saying their emotional response is inappropriate or uncomfortable for you. It can make them feel like they need to hide their true feelings.
8. “Time heals all wounds.”
While time can help with healing, this dismisses the current pain the person is feeling. It can make their suffering feel trivial, as if they just need to wait it out. For someone in the depths of pain, the idea that they just need to let time pass can feel empty and unhelpful.
9. “You need to move on.”
Telling someone to move on ignores the complex process of dealing with pain or grief. It implies that they’re dwelling unnecessarily on their situation. Everyone processes pain at their own pace, and pushing someone to “move on” before they’re ready can be harmful and delay genuine healing.
10. “It’s God’s plan.”
Even for religious people, hearing that their pain is part of a divine plan isn’t always comforting. For non-religious people, it can be downright offensive. This can make people feel like their suffering is intentional or that they shouldn’t question it, which can be a heavy burden to bear.
11. “You’re so strong, you’ll get through this.”
While meant as a compliment, this can put pressure on the person to live up to an expectation of strength. It might make them feel like they can’t show vulnerability or ask for help. Sometimes, people in pain don’t feel strong, and that’s okay. Acknowledging their pain without expectations can be more comforting.
12. “I’m sure it’s not that bad.”
This directly invalidates someone’s experience. Pain is subjective, and what might not seem “that bad” to one person can be overwhelming to another. This comment can make the person feel like they’re overreacting or that their feelings aren’t legitimate, which can lead to them hiding their true emotions.
13. “Other people have it worse.”
Comparing someone’s pain to other people’s suffering isn’t helpful. Pain isn’t a competition, and the fact that some people might be worse off doesn’t make their current situation any easier. This can induce guilt and make them feel like they don’t have the right to be upset about their own situation.
14. “You’ll feel better soon.”
While often said with good intentions, this can feel dismissive. It puts a timeline on their pain that might not be realistic. For someone in the midst of suffering, especially with chronic conditions or grief, the idea of feeling better “soon” might seem impossible. It’s better to acknowledge their current pain without making promises about the future.
15. “It’s not a big deal.”
What might not seem like a big deal to one person can be significant to another. This minimises their feelings and experiences, and it can make them feel misunderstood and alone in their pain. Everyone has different thresholds for what affects them deeply, and it’s important to respect that.
16. “Just don’t think about it.”
Suggesting that someone simply not think about their pain oversimplifies their struggle. For many, the pain or problem they’re facing isn’t something they can just push out of their mind. This advice can make them feel like they’re failing if they can’t stop thinking about their situation, adding frustration to their already difficult experience.
