Abuse isn’t always as obvious as screaming matches, physical aggression, or gaslighting.
Sometimes, behaviours that seem normal or even caring can actually be forms of control or manipulation. The good thing is that if you know what you’re looking for, you can nip them in the bud the minute they appear by getting away from the person in question. Don’t ever put up with these abusive practises from a partner — you deserve so much better.
1. Constantly checking your phone or social media
Source: Unsplash While it might seem like they’re just interested in your life, constantly monitoring what you’re doing and who you’re talking to is a form of control. It invades your privacy and shows a lack of trust. Also, it can escalate to demanding passwords or limiting your contact with other people. Healthy relationships are built on trust, not surveillance.
2. Always giving unsolicited advice
It may appear helpful, but constantly giving unsolicited advice can be a way of undermining your confidence and decision-making abilities. If someone always thinks they know better than you about your own life, it’s a form of intellectual dominance. Respect in a relationship means trusting the other person’s judgement.
3. Always making ‘jokes’ at your expense
Humour should bring happiness, not hurt. If someone consistently makes you the butt of their jokes, especially about sensitive topics, it’s a form of emotional abuse. They might defend it as ‘just teasing’, but if it hurts you, and they continue despite your objections, it’s not innocent fun.
4. Being overly helpful to the point of taking over
While helping can be kind, someone who insists on doing everything for you can be subtly trying to control you. It might seem caring, but it can lead to dependency and erode your self-reliance. A supportive partner encourages your independence, not your reliance on them.
5. Guilt-tripping you for spending time with other people
It might seem like they just miss you, but making you feel guilty for having a life outside the relationship is manipulative. Comments like ‘I guess your friends are more important than me’ are attempts to isolate you from the other people in your life who care about you. Healthy relationships encourage outside friendships and interests.
6. Dismissing your feelings as an overreaction
Phrases like ‘You’re too sensitive’ or ‘Can’t you take a joke?’ might seem like attempts to lighten the mood, but they invalidate your emotions. This is gaslighting — a form of emotional abuse that makes you question your own feelings and judgement. Don’t let this happen to you.
7. Making grand gestures after arguments
Source: Unsplash Big apologies or lavish gifts after a fight might seem romantic, but they can be part of a cycle of abuse. If these gestures are followed by a return to hurtful behaviour, it’s a manipulation tactic to keep you in the relationship despite ongoing issues.
8. Insisting on always knowing your whereabouts
While it might be framed as concern for your safety, constantly needing to know where you are and who you’re with is controlling behaviour. It limits your freedom and privacy. In a healthy relationship, occasional check-ins are fine, but constant tracking is not.
9. Comparing you to other people in negative ways
Comments like ‘Why can’t you be more like X?’ might seem like encouragement, but they’re actually trying to knock your self-esteem. This kind of behaviour creates insecurity and can be a way of maintaining control in the relationship. A supportive partner appreciates you for who you are.
10. Making unilateral decisions about things that affect both of you
If someone consistently makes decisions that affect both of you without consulting you, it’s a form of control. Even if they claim it’s to ‘surprise’ you or ‘take care of things’, it’s denying you agency in your own life. Healthy relationships involve shared decision-making, end of story.
11. Using your insecurities against you
A partner who often brings up your vulnerabilities, even in a seemingly joking manner, is being emotionally abusive. If they use phrases like ‘No one else would put up with your [insert insecurity]’, it’s a tactic to lower your self-esteem and make you feel dependent on them.
12. Keeping score in the relationship
While it might seem fair to keep track of who does what, constantly bringing up past favours or mistakes is manipulative. Saying things like ‘After all I’ve done for you…’ is a common occurrence meant to make you feel guilty and more willing to let them take the lead. Healthy relationships aren’t transactional.
13. Being overly possessive or jealous
Extreme jealousy might be framed as a sign of love, but it’s actually about control. If someone gets upset when you interact with other people or accuses you of being unfaithful without cause, it’s abusive behaviour. Trust and respect for your autonomy are vital in healthy relationships.
14. Always changing plans at the last minute
While flexibility is important, consistently changing plans at the last minute can be a way of asserting control and keeping you off-balance. If this happens often, especially if it’s one-sided, it shows a lack of respect for your time and feelings.
15. Using the silent treatment as punishment
Holding back affection or communication might not seem as bad as yelling, but it’s a form of emotional manipulation. The silent treatment is a way of punishing you and making you anxious to regain their approval. Healthy communication involves addressing issues, not shutting down.
16. Pressuring you to change your appearance
Suggestions about your appearance might seem like helpful advice, but constant pressure to change how you look is controlling behaviour. Whether it’s about your weight, clothes, or hairstyle, your body is your own. A supportive partner accepts you as you are.
