Dealing with ageing parents can be tough in the best of circumstances, but when they’re getting moodier as well as older, it’s even harder.
There could be any number of reasons they’re so grumpy these days. Maybe they’re struggling with the physical changes that come along with ageing, or they’re angry about their lives coming closer to their inevitable end, just to name a few examples. Instead of getting angry with them, here’s how to cope and interact with them in ways that won’t make a bad situation worse.
1. Try to understand where they’re coming from.
As our parents age, they’re dealing with a lot of changes. Their bodies might not work like they used to, as I mentioned, and that can be frustrating. Try to put yourself in their shoes and think about how you’d feel if you were losing some of your independence. It might help you be more patient when they’re having a grumpy moment.
2. Don’t take it personally.
When your mum or dad snaps at you over something small, it’s easy to feel hurt, but remember, their bad mood probably isn’t about you. They might be dealing with pain, worrying about their health, or feeling upset about changes in their life. Try not to let their grumpiness get under your skin.
3. Set some boundaries for yourself.
It’s important to be there for your parents, but you need to take care of yourself too. If their mood is bringing you down, it’s okay to limit your time with them or take breaks. Maybe instead of long visits, you could do shorter, more frequent check-ins. This way, you can be there for them without burning yourself out.
4. Keep them engaged in activities they enjoy.
Sometimes, grumpiness comes from boredom or feeling useless. Try to find activities that your parents still enjoy and can manage. It could be something as simple as doing a crossword puzzle together or watching their favourite TV show. For my mum, it’s playing Scrabble on an afternoon. Keeping their minds active and giving them something to look forward to can really help lift their spirits.
5. Encourage them to stay connected with friends.
Social connections are important at any age, but they can be especially important for older people. If your parents are isolating themselves, try to encourage them to stay in touch with friends or join community groups. Having a chat with a friend or participating in a group activity can do wonders for their mood.
6. Don’t argue about every little thing.
When your parent is being a bit moody, it’s tempting to correct them or argue back. However, sometimes it’s better to let the small stuff slide. Pick your battles and save your energy for the things that really matter. If they’re complaining about something minor, a simple “I hear you” might be enough to move the conversation along.
7. Look after their physical health.
Sometimes, grumpiness can be a sign of underlying health issues. Make sure your parents are getting regular check-ups and taking any prescribed medications. Poor sleep, chronic pain, or undiagnosed conditions can all contribute to a bad mood. Helping them stay on top of their health might improve their outlook.
8. Consider changes to their living situation.
If your parents are struggling to maintain their home or feeling isolated, it might be time to talk about other living options. This could mean moving closer to family, getting some in-home help, or considering a care home or retirement community. Having the right support and environment can make a big difference to their mood and quality of life.
9. Practise patience and compassion.
Dealing with grumpy parents can test your patience, but try to approach them with compassion. Remember that they’re likely frustrated with their own limitations and changes. Taking a deep breath and responding calmly, even when they’re not, can help calm tense situations and maintain your relationship.
10. Share the responsibility with siblings or other family members.
If you have siblings or other family members who can help, don’t be afraid to ask for support. Caring for ageing parents shouldn’t fall entirely on one person’s shoulders. Taking turns or dividing responsibilities can give you a break and provide your parents with different types of interactions and support.
11. Encourage them to try new things.
Sometimes, a change of routine can work wonders. Encourage your parents to try new hobbies or learn new skills. It could be something as simple as starting a small garden or learning to use a tablet. New experiences can give them a sense of purpose and achievement, which might help improve their mood.
12. Listen to their concerns without always trying to fix things.
Often, your parents might just need someone to listen to them. You don’t always have to have a solution or try to cheer them up. Sometimes, simply acknowledging their feelings and letting them express themselves can be incredibly helpful. It shows them that you care and understand, even if you can’t change the situation.
13. Help them find a sense of purpose.
Retirement can leave some people feeling a bit lost. If your parents are struggling with this, try to help them find new ways to feel useful and valued. This could be through volunteering, mentoring younger people, or getting involved in community projects. Having a sense of purpose can majorly improve their outlook on life.
14. Don’t infantilise them.
It’s easy to fall into the trap of treating our ageing parents like children, especially when they’re being difficult, but this can make them feel disrespected and more irritable. Try to treat them as the adults they are, involving them in decisions and respecting their autonomy as much as possible. This can help maintain their dignity and potentially improve their mood.
15. Take care of your own mental health.
Dealing with grumpy parents can take a toll on your own mental health. Make sure you’re looking after yourself, too. This might mean talking to a friend, taking time for your own hobbies, or even speaking to a therapist. You’ll be in a much better position to help your parents if you’re in a good place yourself.
16. Cherish the good moments.
Amidst the challenges, try to appreciate the good times when they come. Whether it’s sharing a laugh over an old family story or enjoying a quiet moment together, these positive interactions are precious. Focusing on these moments can help balance out the more difficult times and remind you of the love that underlies your relationship.
