Co-parenting after a separation can be really tough, especially when your toxic ex is influencing your child’s perception of you.
While mature, respectful people would never interfere in their kids’ relationship with their other parent, some use their children as a weapon to get back at their ex, and that’s never okay. Recognising these warning signs early can help you address the situation and maintain a healthy relationship with your child.
1. Your child suddenly becomes distant or cold towards you.
Source: Unsplash If your once-affectionate child becomes aloof or withdraws from you without apparent reason, it could be a sign of parental alienation. Their change in behaviour might be sudden and inexplicable, leaving you feeling confused and hurt.
2. Your child uses adult language or phrases that sound rehearsed.
When your child starts using words or expressions that seem beyond their years or understanding, it might mean they’ve been getting coaching from your ex. These phrases often sound rehearsed and may be critical of you or your actions. If it doesn’t sound like them, it probably didn’t come from them.
3. Your child knows details about your divorce or personal life they shouldn’t.
If your child brings up information about your separation or personal matters that you haven’t shared, your ex might be oversharing inappropriate details. Your ex’s behaviour can burden the child and change the way they see you in ways that are unfair and potentially not even true.
4. Your child refuses to spend time with you or your family.
A sudden reluctance or outright refusal to visit you or participate in activities with your side of the family could be a red flag. It might extend to not wanting to talk on the phone or engage in any form of communication with you, which proves there’s a serious problem.
5. Your child expresses unreasonable anger or hatred towards you.
If your child shows extreme negative emotions towards you that seem disproportionate or unjustified, it might mean they’re being manipulated by their other parent. These feelings often come without a clear trigger or reason that you can identify.
6. Your child only speaks negatively about you and positively about your ex.
When your child consistently portrays you in a negative light while idealising your ex, it could be a sign of parental alienation. Their black-and-white thinking often lacks nuance and doesn’t reflect the reality of your relationship. Getting them to see that, however, is a whole other challenge.
7. Your child shows no guilt or remorse for hurting your feelings.
If your child seems indifferent to your emotional reactions or deliberately says hurtful things without remorse, it might be because they’re being encouraged to disregard your feelings. Their lack of empathy is often uncharacteristic of your child’s usual behaviour, which makes it even more devastating.
8. Your child’s memories of past events seem changed or rewritten.
When your child’s recollection of past experiences with you suddenly changes, becoming more negative or even completely untrue, it could be a sign of manipulation. These altered memories often paint you in an unfavourable light, contradicting what actually happened.
9. Your child refuses to keep gifts or mementos from you.
If your child consistently rejects or returns gifts from you, or refuses to keep photos or mementos of your time together, it might be because they’re being influenced against you. Sometimes it goes so far as them not wanting any reminders of you in their space.
10. Your child suddenly questions your love for them.
When your child begins to doubt your affection or asks if you truly love them, it could be a sign that someone is planting seeds of doubt. These questions often come out of nowhere and may be accompanied by accusations of abandonment or neglect.
11. Your child becomes overly protective or defensive of your ex.
If your child starts to defend your ex excessively or becomes upset when you disagree with or criticise your ex, it might indicate parental alienation. This behaviour often involves the child taking on an inappropriate role as your ex’s protector.
12. Your child’s behaviour changes dramatically when your ex is present.
Notice if your child acts differently towards you when your ex is around, becoming more hostile or dismissive. Their Jekyll and Hyde behaviour can be a clear sign that your child feels pressure to ‘choose sides’ in your presence.
13. Your child repeats false information about you or your past.
When your child starts stating untrue things about you or your history as if they were facts, it could indicate they’re being fed misinformation. These false narratives often align with your ex’s perspective and can be damaging to your relationship.
14. Your child refuses to communicate with you when with your ex.
If your child consistently fails to respond to your calls or messages when they’re with your ex, it might be a sign of interference. Acting this way might mean that your ex is discouraging or preventing communication between you and your child.
15. Your child expresses fear or anxiety about spending time with you.
When your child suddenly becomes anxious or fearful about visits or time with you, it could be a result of negative influence. Their fear often seems irrational or inconsistent with your actual interactions and history together.
16. Your child starts calling your new partner by a derogatory name.
If your child begins using insulting or disrespectful terms for your new partner, it might be because they’re mimicking language heard from your ex. They show a lack of respect that’s likely been modelled or encouraged by someone else, especially since you know they’re not usually like that, and you certainly never raised them to be that way.
