If you always feel like you’re on the outside looking in when it comes to human connection, it can be incredibly lonely and isolating.
It’s not for lack of trying — maybe you really do try to “put yourself out there” and make a good impression, but for whatever reason, it’s just not happening. Whether you’re struggling to make friends or romantic connections, there’s a clear disconnect somewhere. Here’s why you might be struggling so much — the good news is that a lot of these things are in your control and easy to change.
1. You’re afraid of being vulnerable with people.
Opening up can be scary, but it’s necessary for forming deep connections. If you’re always keeping your guard up, people might find it hard to get to know the real you. Try sharing a bit more about yourself, even if it feels uncomfortable at first. You’ll be surprised at how positively people react to your newfound openness!
2. You’re too focused on your phone or social media.
It’s ironic, but our devices can sometimes make us less connected in real life. If you’re always glued to your screen (as many people are), you might be missing out on opportunities to chat with and connect to people. Try putting your phone away during social situations and focus on the people around you.
3. You have unresolved trust issues from past experiences.
Bad experiences in the past can make it hard to trust people in the present. If you’ve been hurt before, you might be subconsciously pushing people away to protect yourself. Recognising this pattern is the first step towards changing it.
4. You’re not really listening when other people are talking.
Good connections are built on mutual understanding. If you’re always thinking about what to say next or just zoning out instead of truly listening, people might feel unheard. Practise active listening by focusing on what people are saying and asking follow-up questions.
5. You have unrealistic expectations of relationships.
If you’re expecting instant deep connections or perfect friendships, you might be setting yourself up for disappointment. Real relationships take time to develop and aren’t always smooth sailing. Try to be patient and appreciate the gradual growth of connections.
6. You’re not putting yourself in social situations often enough.
Connections don’t usually happen by magic — you need to be around people to form them. If you’re always avoiding social situations, you’re limiting your opportunities to connect. Try saying yes to more invites or joining groups related to your interests.
7. You’re too focused on yourself during interactions.
While it’s important to share about yourself, conversations shouldn’t be one-sided. If you’re always steering the topic back to you, other people might find it hard to connect. You have to show interest in other people’s lives and experiences too, you know.
8. You struggle with low self-esteem or self-worth.
If you don’t value yourself, you might find it hard to believe that other people would want to connect with you. As a result, you end up avoiding social situations or not fully engaging when you’re in them. Working on your self-esteem can help you feel more worthy of connections.
9. You’re not being authentic in your interactions.
Trying to be someone you’re not is exhausting and prevents genuine connections. If you’re always wearing a mask or pretending to be different than you are, people might sense that something’s off. Let yourself be yourself, quirks and all.
10. You have trouble expressing your emotions.
Source: Unsplash Emotional connections are a key part of relationships. If you struggle to express how you feel or always keep your emotions bottled up, it can be hard for other people to understand and relate to you. Learn how to identify and share your feelings more openly.
11. You’re judging people too quickly on shallow things.
Source: Unsplash If you’re always looking for flaws in others or making snap judgements, you might be pushing people away before giving them a chance. Try to approach people with an open mind and look for the good in them instead. Wouldn’t you want to be given the benefit of the doubt?
12. You’re not making an effort to maintain relationships.
Source: Unsplash Connections need nurturing to grow. If you’re not reaching out to people, checking in on them, or making plans, relationships can fizzle out. Make a conscious effort to stay in touch with people you care about, even if that just means sending a quick message once in a while.
13. You’re dealing with unaddressed mental health issues.
Source: Unsplash Conditions like depression or anxiety can make it harder to connect with people. Plus, these issues can affect your energy levels, mood, and ability to engage socially. If you think this might be affecting you, consider speaking to your GP or a mental health professional.
14. You have a fear of rejection or abandonment.
Source: Unsplash If you’re always worried about being rejected or left behind, you might be unconsciously pushing people away to protect yourself. Remember that some level of risk is necessary for forming meaningful connections. Try to take small steps towards being more open.
15. You’re not giving yourself enough self-care or alone time.
Source: Unsplash Ironically, sometimes we need time alone to be able to connect better with other people. If you’re always rushing from one thing to another without time to recharge, you might not have the energy for meaningful interactions. Make sure you’re balancing social time with self-care.
