Generally speaking, the best way to deal with a narcissist is not to deal with them all.
However, sometimes we don’t have the option of avoiding them altogether, and simply sitting around and putting up with their bad behaviour isn’t an option either. You need to confront them, particularly if what they’re doing is aggressive, manipulative, or harmful to you in any way (and it’s likely all three). However, before you do, make sure you ask yourself these questions so you’re prepared for what’s to come.
1. Am I ready to face potential backlash?
Narcissists often react defensively when confronted. Consider if you’re prepared for possible anger, denial, or attempts to point the finger right back at you. Understanding this potential outcome can help you brace yourself for the conversation. Remember, their reaction is more about them than you, so try not to take it personally.
2. What do I actually want from this conversation?
Be clear about what you hope to achieve. Are you looking for an apology, a change in behaviour, or do you just want to express your feelings? Having a clear goal can help you stay focused during the discussion. It’s also important to be realistic about what outcomes are actually possible, given the nature of narcissism.
3. Do I have concrete examples to support my points?
Vague accusations are easily dismissed, so make sure you gather specific instances of problematic behaviour to reference. Doing so can help you articulate your concerns more effectively and provide a solid foundation for your argument. Writing these examples down beforehand can help you recall them clearly during the conversation.
4. Have I set clear boundaries for myself?
Decide in advance what you’re willing to tolerate during the conversation. Knowing your limits can help you maintain your composure and know when to step away if the conversation becomes unproductive or toxic. It’s also helpful to think about how you’ll communicate these boundaries clearly and firmly.
5. Am I in a stable emotional state?
Addressing a narcissist requires emotional strength, so make sure you’re not feeling particularly vulnerable or upset, as this could make you more susceptible to manipulation or emotional upset during the conversation. If you’re not in a good place emotionally, it might be smart to postpone the discussion until you feel more centred.
6. Do I have a support system in place?
Consider whether you have friends or family members who can offer emotional support before and after the conversation. Having a supportive network can help you process the interaction and maintain your mental and emotional health. You might even consider having a close friend on standby for a post-conversation debrief.
7. Am I prepared for the possibility that nothing will change?
Narcissists won’t usually acknowledge their faults or change their behaviour. Be realistic about the potential outcomes and consider if you’re prepared to accept that the person may not change despite your efforts. A bit of acceptance can be vital for your own peace of mind and future decision-making.
8. Have I considered the potential impact on our relationship?
Addressing narcissistic behaviour could alter your relationship dynamics. Think about whether you’re ready for potential changes, whether it’s increased tension or even the end of the relationship altogether. It’s important to weigh these potential outcomes against the cost of maintaining the status quo.
9. Do I understand the traits of narcissism well enough?
Make sure you have a solid understanding of narcissistic traits and behaviours because this knowledge can help you recognise manipulation tactics and respond more effectively during the conversation. Consider reading up on narcissism from reputable sources to educate yourself further.
10. Am I prepared to stay calm and composed?
Narcissists often try to provoke emotional reactions. Consider whether you can maintain your composure in the face of potential provocations, as staying calm can help you communicate more effectively. Practising relaxation techniques like deep breathing can be helpful in maintaining your cool. You don’t want to stoop to their level!
11. Have I practised what I want to say?
Rehearsing your main points can help you feel more confident and articulate during the actual conversation. Consider practising with a friend or even in front of a mirror to refine your delivery. Having a bit of rehearsal under your belt can also help you identify any areas where you might need to adjust your language or approach.
12. Am I using “I” statements instead of accusatory language?
Framing your concerns in terms of your feelings and experiences, rather than direct accusations, can be more effective. Check if you’re using phrases like “I feel” or “I’ve noticed” instead of “You always” or “You never”. Going about things in this way might help reduce defensiveness and keep the conversation more productive.
13. Do I have an exit strategy if the conversation becomes unproductive?
Plan how you’ll end the conversation if it turns hostile or unproductive. Having a prepared exit strategy can help you avoid getting drawn into circular arguments or emotional manipulation. Consider having a pre-planned phrase or excuse to gracefully bow out if needed.
14. Am I willing to listen to their perspective?
While it’s important to express your concerns, consider if you’re open to hearing their side. Being willing to listen, even if you disagree, can sometimes lead to more productive conversations. Remember, listening doesn’t mean you have to agree or accept their perspective.
15. Have I considered the timing and setting of this conversation?
Choose a time and place where you feel safe and comfortable. Avoid addressing sensitive issues when either of you is tired, stressed, or in a public setting where privacy might be an issue. The right environment can massively impact the tone and outcome of the conversation.
16. Am I prepared to enforce consequences if necessary?
Consider what actions you’re willing to take if the narcissistic behaviour continues. Are you prepared to limit contact, end the relationship, or take other steps to protect yourself? Having a clear plan for follow-through can give you confidence and clarity during the conversation.
17. Have I considered getting some guidance from a professional?
Dealing with narcissism can be complex. Think about whether consulting a therapist or counsellor might be beneficial, either to help you prepare for the conversation or to process the aftermath. Professional support can provide valuable strategies and insights for managing this challenging situation.
18. Am I doing this for the right reasons?
Reflect on your motivations for addressing the narcissist. Are you doing it for your own wellbeing and growth, or out of a desire for revenge or to “change” the person? Ensure your intentions are constructive and focused on your own healing. Clarity of purpose can help you stay grounded throughout the process.
