Supporting someone who’s dealing with childhood trauma in their adult life is tough.
You don’t know what to say or do to make things better, but you also don’t want to make it worse by getting it wrong. Really, the best you can do is be there for them and make sure they know you’re in their corner. Here’s how to do that in a way that’s respectful of their experiences and boundaries, but that proves to them that they have a friend and an ally in you.
1. Listen without judgement.
Source: Unsplash Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just listen. Let them share their experiences without trying to fix things or offer advice. Show them you’re there to hear their story, no matter how hard it might be. Your presence and willingness to listen can be incredibly comforting and validating for someone who’s struggled to have their voice heard.
2. Believe their experiences.
It takes a lot of courage to open up about a painful past. When someone shares their story with you, believe them. Don’t try to minimise their experiences or suggest they might be misremembering things. Your belief in their story can be a great way to negate the self-doubt many survivors of childhood trauma struggle with.
3. Don’t ever compare your struggles with theirs.
Everyone’s experiences are unique, so saying things like “Well, at least you didn’t…” or “It could have been worse.” Comments like this can make people feel like their pain isn’t valid. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and the impact their experiences have had on them, without trying to measure it against other people’s suffering, even your own.
4. Be patient with their healing process.
Source: Unsplash Healing from childhood trauma isn’t a linear process. There will be good days and bad days. Be patient and understanding, even if it seems like they’re taking steps backwards sometimes. Remember that healing is often two steps forward, one step back, and that’s completely normal.
5. Encourage them to set boundaries.
People who had tough childhoods often struggle with setting healthy boundaries as adults. Encourage them to figure out what makes them uncomfortable, and support them in saying no to things that don’t serve them. This might involve practising with them, or backing them up when they do set a boundary with other people. The more they do it, the easier it will become.
6. Help them find healthy coping mechanisms.
Sometimes, people develop unhealthy ways of coping with their past. Without judgement, help them explore healthier alternatives like journaling, exercise, or creative outlets that might work for them. You could even offer to try out some of these activities together, working on growth and discovery together.
7. Celebrate their progress, even when there’s not much of it.
Recovery is often about small steps forward. Recognise and celebrate these little victories with them. It could be as simple as them standing up for themselves in a situation where they usually wouldn’t. Your recognition can help reinforce their progress and boost their confidence to keep moving forward.
8. Don’t push them to forgive.
Forgiveness is a personal choice and not always necessary for healing. If they’re not ready to forgive the person/people who hurt them, don’t push it. Focus on helping them move forward, with or without forgiveness. Healing is about them feeling better, not about making peace with those who caused harm.
9. Respect their privacy.
If they’ve opened up to you, it’s a sign of trust. Respect that by keeping their experiences confidential unless they’ve given you permission to share. Let them be in control of their own story. Doing this can help them feel safe and in control, which is crucial for those who’ve had their boundaries violated in the past.
10. Offer practical support if they need it.
Sometimes, concrete help can make a big difference. This might mean helping them find a therapist, going with them to appointments, or just being there to distract them on tough days. Even small gestures, like bringing over a meal or helping with chores when they’re feeling overwhelmed, can be incredibly meaningful.
11. Don’t try to be their saviour.
It’s important to remember that you can’t “fix” their past or heal them yourself. Your role is to support and encourage, not to be responsible for their healing. They need to lead their own journey. Being a supportive presence is often more helpful than trying to solve all their problems.
12. Educate yourself about childhood trauma.
Understanding the effects of childhood trauma can help you be a better support. Read up on the subject, but remember that everyone’s experiences and reactions are different. A bit of knowledge can help you respond more sensitively and avoid unintentionally hurtful comments or actions.
13. Be consistent and reliable.
Source: Unsplash People with traumatic childhoods often struggle with trust. By being consistently there for them, you can help them build trust in relationships. If you make a promise, keep it. Your reliability can provide a sense of safety and stability that they might have lacked growing up.
14. Encourage self-care.
Source: Unsplash Self-care might not come naturally to someone who didn’t have good examples growing up. Encourage them to put themselves and their needs first, and maybe even join them in self-care activities. This could involve anything from taking a relaxing bath (maybe don’t offer to join them on this unless it’s your partner!) to setting aside time for hobbies they enjoy.
15. Don’t take their reactions personally.
Source: Unsplash Sometimes, past trauma can lead to reactions that seem out of proportion. Try not to take it personally if they lash out or withdraw. Instead, give them space and remain a steady, calm presence. Understanding that these reactions often stem from past hurt rather than anything you’ve done can help you respond with empathy rather than defensiveness.
16. Help them recognise their strengths.
Source: Unsplash Growing up in a tough environment often requires developing unique strengths and coping skills. Help them recognise these positive qualities they’ve developed despite (or because of) their experiences. Focusing on their resilience and strengths can be a powerful counterbalance to the negative self-image many trauma survivors struggle with.
17. Be aware and mindful of possible triggers.
Source: Unsplash Certain situations, words, or even smells can trigger painful memories. If you notice something seems to upset them, ask them about it, but don’t be pushy or intrusive.. Being aware of their triggers can help you create a safe environment. Over time, you can work together to develop strategies for managing these triggers when they crop up.
18. Take care of yourself, too.
Source: Unsplash Supporting someone through trauma can be emotionally draining. Make sure you’re looking after your own mental health, too. It’s okay to set your own boundaries and take breaks when you need them. If you want to be able to support other people, you have to look after yourself, too.
