The aftermath of a toxic relationship can leave you shattered and scrambling to pick up the pieces.
You’ve done the hard part by getting out alive, but now you’re left with the damage your former partner did to you, and moving past that can be tough. It may feel like there’s nowhere to go from here, but you have your whole life ahead of you, and it’ll be so much better than the one you had before. Here’s how to slowly but surely rebuild yourself after leaving a toxic ex behind.
1. Give yourself permission to grieve.
First things first: it’s okay to feel rubbish. Even if the relationship was toxic, it’s normal to be distraught over the fact that it’s ended. Let yourself feel sad, angry, or whatever comes up. Bottling it all up won’t do you any favours in the long run. Have a good cry if you need to — no judgement here.
2. Cut off contact, seriously.
Source: Unsplash This might seem obvious, but it’s worth saying. You MUST cut ties with your ex — no “friendly” chats, no social media stalking. It’s like ripping off a plaster — it hurts at first, but it’s the quickest way to heal. Block their number if you have to, and definitely stop following them on social media. You need a clean break to move forward.
3. Surround yourself with supportive people.
Now’s the time to lean on your mates. Spend time with people who lift you up, not drag you down. If your toxic ex isolated you from friends and family, reach out and reconnect. You might be surprised how understanding people can be. And sure, there will be sometimes when you just want to sit alone and cry, but try not to wallow too much. Force yourself to get up and go out, even when it’s tough.
4. Rediscover your own interests.
Remember that hobby you gave up because your ex thought it was silly? Dust it off and dive back in, or try something completely new. The point is to do things that make you happy, just because you want to. It’s time to put yourself first for a change. It’ll feel unnatural at first, but you’ll get used to it.
5. Work on your self-esteem.
Toxic relationships can do a number on your self-worth, so start building it back up. Make a list of your good qualities. Celebrate your small victories. Be kind to yourself. You’ll want to cringe for a while, but keep at it. In the words of Cheryl Cole in that old L’Oréal advert, you’re worth it — even if you don’t always feel like it right now.
6. Set healthy boundaries.
Chances are, your boundaries took a beating in that toxic relationship, so it’s time to rebuild those fences. Figure out what you’re comfortable with and what’s not okay. It’s alright to say no, to have opinions, and to take up space. Practise enforcing your boundaries in small ways every day.
7. Consider going to therapy or talking with a counsellor.
There’s no shame in talking to a licensed mental health professional (and the NHS website has a great talking therapy locator if you need it). A good therapist can help you process what happened and give you tools to move forward. If therapy’s not your thing, consider support groups. Sometimes it helps to talk to people who’ve been there.
8. Focus on your physical health.
Your body’s been through the wringer too. Get some exercise, even if it’s just a walk around the block. Eat some veggies. Get enough sleep. Taking care of your body can help you feel more in control and boost your mood. Plus, those exercise endorphins are no joke.
9. Learn to trust your gut again.
Toxic relationships can mess with your intuition. Start small — make decisions about little things and see how they feel. Also, pay attention to how people make you feel. If something feels off, it probably is. Trust that feeling. Your gut instinct is smarter than you might think, and it could save you from ending up in a similar situation to the one you’ve been in.
10. Forgive yourself.
This is a big one. Stop beating yourself up for staying too long or not seeing the red flags. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time. Forgive yourself for any mistakes — you’re human, and you’re learning. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend in your situation.
11. Redefine your idea of love.
After a toxic relationship, your idea of love might be a bit skewed. Take some time to think about what healthy love looks like to you. Make a list if it helps. Remember, real love shouldn’t hurt or make you feel small. It should lift you up and make you feel secure.
12. Take it slow with new relationships.
When you’re ready to dip your toe back in the dating pool, take it slow. There’s no rush. Be upfront about your boundaries and what you’re looking for. And remember, it’s okay to be single for a while. Better to be happily single than miserable in a relationship.
13. Practise a bit of self-care regularly.
Source: Unsplash Self-care isn’t just bubble baths and face masks (though those are nice too). It’s about consistently doing things that nourish your soul. Maybe it’s reading a good book, going for a run, or calling a friend. Whatever makes you feel good and recharged, make time for it regularly.
14. Reclaim your independence.
If your ex made you dependent on them, it’s time to take back your independence. Learn to do things on your own. Pay your own bills, make your own decisions. It might be scary at first, but it’s also incredibly empowering. You’ve got this.
15. Focus on the future, not the past.
Source: Unsplash It’s easy to get stuck replaying the past, but try to shift your focus to the future. Set some goals for yourself, big or small. Where do you want to be in a year? Five years? Start taking steps towards that future. You’ve got a clean slate — make the most of it.
16. Celebrate your progress.
Source: Unsplash Rebuilding your life takes time, and some days will be harder than others. However, make sure to celebrate your progress, no matter how small. Did you enforce a boundary today? Brilliant. Did you go a whole day without thinking about your ex? That’s worth celebrating. You’re moving forward, one step at a time. Be proud of how far you’ve come. You’re amazing!
