Parenting can test even the most patient person in the world, especially since kids love nothing more than to push your every button.
While it’s tempting to scream and shout to get them back under control, that’s not the way to go — all it teaches them is to be scared of you, and that you’ll always react with anger rather than responding to their needs and wants. As tough as it is to keep your cool, here are some steps you can take to make sure you don’t explode.
1. Take a deep breath before responding.
When you feel your frustration rising, pause and take a deep breath. It’s a small but simple thing that can help reset your emotions and give you a moment to choose your response rather than react impulsively. If you need to regain your composure in the heat of the moment, this is the way to do it.
2. Use positive self-talk to stay calm.
Remind yourself that this tough moment is temporary. Tell yourself things like “I can handle this” or “This will pass” to keep perspective. Positive self-talk can boost your confidence and help you approach the situation more calmly and rationally (at least that’s the idea).
3. Identify your triggers and plan ahead.
Recognise which behaviours or situations tend to push your buttons the most. Once you’re aware of these triggers, you can find some strategies to manage them more effectively. Having a bit of foresight means you’ll get to respond more calmly when these situations inevitably arise.
4. Set clear, consistent boundaries.
Establish clear rules and consequences with your kids, and stick to them consistently. When children know what to expect, it can reduce conflict and testing behaviours. Consistency helps create a sense of security, even if they push against these boundaries.
5. Choose your battles wisely.
Not every issue needs to become a confrontation. Ask yourself if the behaviour really matters in the long run. Sometimes, letting small things slide can help preserve your energy for more important issues and reduce overall tension in the household.
6. Use laughter to break the tension.
When appropriate, try to lighten the mood with humour. A silly face or a playful comment can often break the cycle of negativity and help both you and your child reset. Just be careful not to use sarcasm or humour that might belittle your child’s feelings.
7. Practise empathy and active listening.
Try to understand the emotions behind your child’s behaviour. Often, challenging behaviours stem from unmet needs or unexpressed feelings. Take time to listen to your child and validate their emotions, even if you don’t agree with their actions.
8. Use “I” statements to express your feelings.
Instead of accusatory “you” statements, express your feelings using “I” statements. For example, say “I feel frustrated when tasks are left unfinished” rather than “You never clean up your mess.” It’s a less confrontational approach, and can help your child understand the impact of their actions.
9. Take a time out for yourself if needed.
If you feel yourself losing control, it’s okay to step away for a few minutes. Tell your child you need a moment to calm down. This not only helps you regain composure but also models healthy emotional regulation, which is always a good thing.
10. Focus on the behaviour, not the child.
When addressing issues, make it clear that it’s the behaviour you’re unhappy with, not the child themselves. This helps maintain their self-esteem while still addressing the problem. Use phrases like “I love you, but I don’t like this behaviour” to reinforce this distinction.
11. Offer choices to give children a sense of control.
When possible, give your child choices within acceptable boundaries. This can reduce power struggles and help children feel more in control. For example, “Would you like to put on your pyjamas before or after brushing your teeth?” Both options lead to the desired outcome.
12. Practise self-care regularly.
Make sure you’re taking care of your own physical and emotional needs. When you’re well-rested and feeling balanced, you’re better equipped to handle challenging parenting moments. Regular exercise, adequate sleep, and time for your own interests can make a big difference in your patience levels.
13. Use positive reinforcement for good behaviour.
Catch your child being good and praise them for it. A bit of positive reinforcement can encourage more of the behaviour you want to see. It also helps create a more positive atmosphere in the home, making it easier for you to keep your cool during challenging moments.
14. Anticipate and plan for challenging times.
If you know certain times of day or situations are particularly challenging for your child, plan ahead. For example, if bedtime is often difficult, start your routine earlier or introduce calming activities before bed. Having a plan can help you feel more in control and less likely to lose your temper.
15. Reflect on your own childhood experiences.
Source: Unsplash Consider how your own upbringing might be influencing your reactions. Understanding the root of your triggers can help you respond more thoughtfully. If certain behaviours push your buttons because of your past experiences, acknowledging this can help you approach the situation more objectively.
16. Apologise when you lose your cool.
If you do lose your temper, it’s important to apologise to your child afterwards. Explain that adults make mistakes too, and model how to take responsibility for your actions. This not only repairs your relationship but also teaches your child valuable lessons about emotional regulation and accountability.
