If you’re someone who’s always bending over backward to make everyone happy, only to end up exhausted and frustrated yourself, something’s gotta give.
People-pleasing can completely take over your life, making you neglect your own wants and needs in favour of everyone else’s. The good news is that you don’t have to live like that. The bad news is that it’s going to take some hard work to break those bad habits. Here’s how to start giving yourself more of a starring role in your life bit by bit. You deserve it, you know!
1. You need to recognise that you can’t please everyone.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s impossible to make everyone happy all the time. Once you accept this truth, you’ll feel a weight lift off your shoulders. Even the most likeable people in the world have their critics, so you’re in good company. Do what’s right for you, no matter what anyone else thinks.
2. Start to set boundaries — they’re vital for your mental health.
Start saying ‘no’ to things you don’t want to do or don’t have time for. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but it gets easier with practice. Your time and energy are precious resources, and it’s okay to be selective about how you use them.
3. Know that your own needs and wants matter too.
Make a list of things that are important to you and prioritise them. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself; it’s necessary. Think of it like putting on your own oxygen mask first on a plane — you can’t help other people if you’re running on empty.
4. Don’t let other people’s opinions define your worth.
Remind yourself that your value doesn’t depend on what other people think of you. Your worth comes from within, not from external validation. It’s liberating to realise that you don’t need everyone’s approval to be a good, worthwhile person.
5. Start to be okay with disappointing people sometimes.
Letting people down occasionally doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. Most reasonable people understand that you can’t always meet their expectations. And if they don’t, well, that’s their issue to deal with, not yours.
6. Embrace the idea that being authentic is more important than being liked.
Start expressing your true thoughts and feelings, even if they might not be popular. It’s scary at first, but being genuine attracts the right people into your life. Plus, it’s exhausting to maintain a facade all the time — being yourself is much more sustainable.
7. Learn to trust your own judgement.
Start making decisions based on what you think is right, not what other people expect. It takes practice, but trusting your own instincts leads to more satisfaction in the long run. You know yourself better than anyone else, so have faith in your ability to make good choices.
8. Understand that perfectionism and people-pleasing often go hand in hand.
Try to let go of the need to do everything perfectly. Good enough is often, well, good enough. Striving for perfection in everything you do is a guaranteed way to burn out and disappoint yourself. Remember, progress is more important than perfection.
9. Surround yourself with supportive people.
Spend more time with people who accept you as you are, not those who demand you change to suit them. These positive relationships will boost your confidence and make it easier to stand your ground. True friends will respect your boundaries and appreciate your authenticity.
10. Learn to handle criticism constructively — it’s a valuable skill.
Not everyone will like your decisions, and that’s okay. Learn to differentiate between constructive feedback and unnecessary negativity. Constructive criticism can help you grow, but you don’t need to take every negative comment to heart. It’s all about finding that balance.
11. Recognise that your time and energy are limited resources.
Start thinking of your time and energy as valuable commodities. Would you give away money to everyone who asked? Probably not. Apply the same principle to your time and energy. It’s okay to be selective about where you invest these precious resources.
12. Do a bit of self-reflection — it can help you understand your people-pleasing tendencies.
Take some time to think about why you feel the need to please other people. Is it fear of rejection? Low self-esteem? Understanding the root cause can help you address it more effectively. This self-awareness is a crucial step in changing your behaviour.
13. Celebrate your small victories.
Every time you set a boundary or prioritise your own needs, give yourself a pat on the back. These small wins add up over time. Recognising your progress, no matter how small, can motivate you to keep going on this journey of self-assertion.
14. Remember that ‘no’ is a complete sentence.
You don’t always need to explain or justify your decisions to other people. A simple ‘no’ can be powerful and freeing. Of course, there are times when an explanation is appropriate, but don’t feel obligated to always provide one. Your decisions are valid on their own.
15. Know that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it.
Breaking the people-pleasing habit can be tough, and it’s okay to ask for support. Whether it’s talking to a friend or going to therapy or counselling, don’t be afraid to reach out. Remember, asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness — it’s a sign of strength and self-awareness.
16. Believe that your happiness matters just as much as everyone else’s.
Make your own happiness a priority. It’s not selfish; it’s necessary for a fulfilling life. When you’re happier, you’re in a better position to positively impact other people’s lives, too. Think of it as a win-win situation — by taking care of yourself, you’re better equipped to help people when you choose to do so.
