Watching a friend struggle in a toxic relationship can be really heartbreaking.
You don’t want to interfere, but you also can’t stand to see them settle for less than they deserve or be treated with zero empathy, too much disrespect, or even experience any form of abuse. You’re pretty sure you have to speak up, but how do you do it? Here are some tips to broach such a sensitive topic.
1. Choose the right time and place for the conversation.
Timing is crucial when discussing sensitive topics. Pick a moment when your friend is relaxed, and you have privacy, and definitely don’t bring it up when they’re stressed or in a rush. A quiet café or a walk in the park can provide a neutral, calm environment for this important chat.
2. Start with genuine concern rather than criticism.
Begin the conversation by pointing out how much you care about your friend and their well-being. Instead of jumping straight into criticising their partner, say something like, “I’ve noticed you seem a bit down lately, and I’m worried about you. Is everything okay?” This way, you open the door for them to share without feeling defensive.
3. Use “I” statements to share your observations.
Frame your concerns using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I’ve noticed you don’t seem as happy lately” or “I’m concerned when I see how your partner speaks to you.” It’s important to make it clear that these are your feelings/perceptions, rather than making definitive statements about their relationship.
4. Provide specific examples of behaviour that worry you.
Vague statements can be easily dismissed. Instead, reference specific incidents that have raised red flags. “I was uncomfortable when your partner yelled at you for being 5 minutes late to dinner” is more impactful than “Your partner seems controlling.” Concrete examples make it harder to brush off your concerns.
5. Listen actively without judgment.
Once you’ve opened the conversation, focus on listening. Your friend might be relieved to finally talk about their situation, so don’t interrupt or rush to offer solutions. Sometimes, being heard is the most valuable support you can provide. Show you’re listening through eye contact and supportive nodding.
6. Validate their feelings and experiences.
Acknowledge the complexity of their situation. Phrases like “That sounds really tough” or “It’s understandable you’re feeling confused” can help your friend feel supported. Don’t just dismiss their positive feelings about their partner, as relationships are rarely all bad.
7. Share resources rather than giving direct advice.
Source: Unsplash Instead of telling your friend what to do, offer information that could help them make their own decisions. You might say, “I read an article about healthy relationships recently. Would you like me to send it to you?” This way, you empower them to seek information without feeling pressured.
8. Offer practical support.
Source: Unsplash Let your friend know you’re there for them in tangible ways. Offer to go with them to appointments, help them create a safety plan, or simply be available for a chat anytime. Knowing they have practical support can make a huge difference in their ability to address the situation.
9. Respect their decisions, even if you disagree.
Source: Unsplash It’s frustrating when a friend stays in a toxic relationship, but pressuring them to leave can backfire. Make it clear that you’ll support them regardless of their choices. Say something like, “I’m here for you, whatever you decide to do.” This unconditional support can be a lifeline.
10. Maintain boundaries to protect your own wellbeing.
Source: Unsplash Supporting a friend in a toxic relationship can be emotionally draining. It’s okay to set boundaries. You might say, “I care about you, but I find it upsetting to hear the details of your arguments. Can we focus on how you’re feeling instead?” Taking care of yourself ensures you can continue to be there for your friend.
11. Keep the door open for future conversations.
Source: Unsplash Your friend might not be ready to address the issues in one conversation. Let them know they can always come back to you. A simple “I’m always here if you want to talk more about this” keeps the lines of communication open without applying pressure.
12. Encourage them to maintain other relationships and interests.
Source: Unsplash Toxic partners often isolate their victims from friends and hobbies. Encourage your friend to stay connected with their support network and continue pursuing their interests. Suggest things you can do together, reminding them of the joy and fulfilment outside their relationship.
13. Be patient and persistent in your support.
Source: Unsplash Change takes time, and your friend might need to hear your concerns multiple times before they’re ready to act. Don’t give up on them, even if it’s frustrating. Consistently showing up and reaffirming your support can make a world of difference in helping them recognise and address the toxic elements in their relationship.
