So much of the conventional wisdom about boosting confidence is misguided at best and flat-out wrong at worst.
The truth is, real confidence doesn’t come from quick fixes, shiny toys or other people’s approval. It’s an inside job, and chasing after these things in hopes that they’ll transform you into a self-assured powerhouse is a waste of time. Here are some things that won’t help you become any more self-assured, so don’t bother.
1. Losing weight or getting ripped
Source: Unsplash Sure, improving your physical body can provide a temporary high, but if your self-worth is tied to your appearance, you’ll always be one skipped gym session or cheat meal away from feeling terrible about yourself again. If you want confidence that’s real and actually lasts, that comes from self-acceptance and refusing to base your worth on something as changeable as your body. Focus on health and what your body can do, not an arbitrary ideal of how it “should” look.
2. Accomplishing that next big goal
Source: Unsplash You think hitting that milestone — the promotion, the business success, the dream partner — will finally make you feel confident and complete, but it’s a moving target. As soon as you reach it, your brain will identify the next level up to strive for. Don’t make your confidence conditional on achievement. Detach your self-worth from external outcomes and take pride in your effort, growth and resilience, regardless of results.
3. Having the perfect witty comeback
Source: Unsplash You kick yourself for not having a snappy reply at the ready when someone makes a cutting comment, but real confidence means not needing to have the last word. It’s being secure enough to let an insult roll off your back without getting sucked into verbal sparring to prove yourself. Confident people know their worth isn’t determined by their ability to outwit everyone. They speak their truth when it matters, and let the rest go.
4. Getting designer clothes or status symbols
Chasing after name brands and luxury items to impress people is a pointless endeavour. It might turn a few heads and attract some envious looks, but it won’t make you genuinely confident. People can sense if you’re trying too hard, especially when you’re at a £20,000 a year but rocking a “Gucci” shirt, “Louis Vuitton” bag, and “Louboutin” shoes. Real confidence shines through regardless of what you’re wearing or driving. It comes from knowing your worth, and from having strong character and integrity. Those are the things that will get you lasting respect and admiration.
5. Doing a bunch of “confidence-building” exercises
Source: Unsplash Things like power posing or reciting affirmations in the mirror might make you feel a little bolder temporarily, but if you still deeply doubt yourself, you’re just slapping a flimsy bandage over a gaping wound. Confidence is built through facing your fears, expanding your comfort zone and proving to yourself that you’re capable. It comes from taking action that lines up with your values, even when it scares you. There are no quick hacks or shortcuts.
6. Having a big, loud personality
Source: Unsplash You assume confident people are the extroverted ones who are constantly hamming it up and being the life of the party, but you can be quietly confident too (and you probably should). Confidence isn’t about showing off or trying to be the centre of attention. It’s about being secure in who you are without needing constant external validation. It means being at peace with your authentic self, even if that self is understated, soft-spoken or introverted. Don’t equate confidence with a certain personality type.
7. Getting everyone to like you
Source: Unsplash You think if you could just get universal approval and acceptance, then you’d feel truly confident. But you can’t please everyone, and trying to is a losing battle. No matter what you do, some people just won’t be your cup of tea. Confident people know this and don’t let it phase them. They focus on staying true to themselves and connecting with their tribe. They don’t need to be liked by everyone to feel secure in who they are.
