It’s incredibly painful when the adult children you spent decades dedicating your life to suddenly cut you off.
However, this rarely happens out of nowhere, and it’s unlikely that your behaviour hasn’t played a part in it. As tough as it might be to admit, if you’re guilty of any of these things — and I mean on a regular basis, not just a once-off — then your kids were right to shut down contact. That’s not to say you can’t get it back, but you’ll need to make some serious changes.
1. You can’t respect their boundaries.
If you’re constantly overstepping the lines your children have drawn, whether it’s dropping by unannounced or offering unsolicited advice, you’re showing a lack of respect for their autonomy. Healthy relationships require boundaries, and if you can’t honour theirs, they might feel the need to create distance to protect themselves.
2. You’re always the victim in your stories.
Do you find yourself constantly playing the martyr role? If every conversation turns into a pity party about how hard you’ve had it or how much you’ve sacrificed, it can be emotionally draining for your children. They might choose to step back to preserve their own mental health.
3. You criticise their life choices relentlessly.
Whether it’s their career, partner, parenting style, or lifestyle choices, constant criticism can be wearing. If you can’t find anything positive to say about their decisions, they might decide that limiting contact is the best way to live their life without constant judgment.
4. You refuse to acknowledge past mistakes.
Nobody’s perfect, and parenting is tough. But if you can’t admit when you’ve messed up or apologise for the ways you’ve hurt them in the past, it can prevent healing and growth in your relationship. Your children might distance themselves if they feel their pain is being invalidated or ignored.
5. You try to control them through guilt or money.
Using guilt trips or financial leverage to manipulate your adult children’s behaviour is a quick way to push them away. If they feel like your love or support comes with strings attached, they might choose to cut those strings entirely.
6. You don’t respect their partner or children.
If you’re constantly criticising or undermining your child’s chosen family, don’t be surprised if they limit your access to them. Disrespecting their partner or how they’re raising their own kids is a guaranteed way to create distance.
7. You refuse to adapt to their adulthood.
Still treating your 30-year-old like they’re 13? If you can’t adjust your behaviour and expectations to match their adult status, they might feel suffocated and need to step back to assert their independence.
8. You dismiss their feelings.
Phrases like “You’re too sensitive” or “You shouldn’t feel that way” invalidate your children’s emotional experiences. If you consistently brush off their feelings, they might decide it’s healthier to share those feelings with people who will respect them.
9. You compare them to other people in less than flattering ways.
Constantly measuring your child against their siblings, cousins, or your friends’ children can breed resentment. If they feel they can never measure up in your eyes, they might choose to remove themselves from the competition altogether.
10. You overshare their personal information.
If you’re spilling your adult child’s secrets or sharing personal details without their consent, you’re violating their trust. They might decide that the only way to maintain their privacy is to limit what you know about their life.
11. You demand their time without consideration.
Expecting your adult children to drop everything for you whenever you want, without respect for their own commitments and responsibilities, is unreasonable. If you guilt-trip them for not being available on your schedule, they might reduce contact to regain control of their time.
12. You play favourites among your children.
Obvious favouritism or pitting siblings against each other can create lasting damage. If your child feels they’re always getting the short end of the stick, they might decide to step away from the family dynamic altogether.
13. You refuse to respect their religious or political views.
As adults, your children have the right to form their own beliefs and opinions. If you’re constantly belittling or arguing about their views, especially on sensitive topics like religion or politics, they might choose to avoid these conflicts by limiting contact.
14. You expect them to parent you.
While it’s natural for family roles to shift as we age, expecting your adult children to take on full emotional or financial responsibility for you prematurely can be overwhelming. If they feel like they’ve become the parent in the relationship too soon, they might need to step back.
15. You’re overly dependent on them for your happiness.
If you’ve made your child responsible for your mental and emotional health, it’s an unfair burden. Phrases like “You’re all I have” or “I’d be lost without you” can create guilt and resentment. They might distance themselves to establish a healthier dynamic.
16. You don’t make an effort to know them as adults.
Are you still relating to the child they were, rather than the adult they’ve become? If you show no interest in getting to know their adult personality, interests, and life, they might feel there’s no point in maintaining a close relationship.
17. You use silent treatment or other manipulation tactics.
Emotional manipulation, like giving the silent treatment or threatening to disinherit them, is toxic behaviour. If this is your go-to method for dealing with conflicts, don’t be surprised if they choose to opt out of the game entirely.
18. You bad-mouth them to other family members.
Spreading negative stories or complaints about your adult child to other relatives is a breach of trust. If they feel you’re turning family against them or creating a negative narrative, they might decide to step away from the whole family dynamic.
19. You deny or downplay abuse or trauma.
If there was abuse or significant trauma in their childhood, and you refuse to acknowledge it or minimise its impact, your child might need to distance themselves for their own healing process. In fact, their therapist has probably told them to do so!
20. You refuse to get any form of help for mental health or addiction issues.
If you’re struggling with untreated mental health problems or addictions that affect your behaviour, your adult children might need to create distance for their own sake. Refusing to get help or acknowledge these issues can push them away as they try to protect themselves and their own families.
