Coming out is a deeply personal and often hard experience for LGBTQIA+ people.
Unfortunately, some people make this process even more difficult through their words and actions. Whether intentional or not, these behaviours can cause pain, confusion, and stress to people who are just trying to live authentically. Here’s a look at some of the ways people unknowingly or deliberately complicate the coming out journey.
1. They make casual homophobic or transphobic comments.
Even seemingly harmless jokes or offhand remarks can create an unwelcoming environment. These comments send the message that it’s not safe to be open about their identity, making the person considering coming out feel anxious and uncertain.
2. They assume everyone is straight and cisgender.
When people constantly talk about future opposite-sex partners or make gendered assumptions, it puts pressure on LGBTQIA+ people to either correct them or stay silent. This heteronormative attitude makes it harder for someone to broach the subject of their true identity.
3. They gossip about other people’s sexuality or gender identity.
Speculating about someone else’s orientation or gender behind their back creates a culture of judgement and intrusion. It makes LGBTQIA+ people fear that their privacy won’t be respected if they do choose to come out.
4. They react dramatically to LGBTQIA+ characters in the media.
Expressing shock, disgust, or excessive focus on LGBTQIA+ representation in films, TV shows, or books sends a clear message that queer identities are seen as abnormal or controversial. This reaction can make someone question whether it’s safe to be themselves.
5. They pressure people to date or express interest in the opposite sex.
Constantly asking about girlfriends, boyfriends, or trying to set someone up on dates can be extremely uncomfortable for LGBTQIA+ people who aren’t out. It forces them to either lie or face uncomfortable questions they might not be ready to answer.
6. They use religious beliefs to condemn LGBTQIA+ identities.
Expressing that being LGBTQIA+ is sinful or against God’s will creates an environment of shame and fear. It can cause immense internal conflict for LGBTQIA+ people who are religious or have religious families.
7. They dismiss LGBTQIA+ identities as a ‘phase’ or ‘trend’.
Suggesting that being LGBTQIA+ is just a fad or something people will ‘grow out of’ invalidates people’s experiences and identities. It makes it harder for someone to feel confident in coming out, fearing they won’t be taken seriously.
8. They express disappointment about LGBTQIA+ people not having biological children.
Lamenting about the lack of grandchildren or continuing the family line puts undue pressure on LGBTQIA+ people. It implies that their worth is tied to traditional family structures, making it harder to come out and disappoint these expectations.
9. They use outdated or offensive terminology.
Using slurs or outdated terms, even if not intended maliciously, creates an unwelcoming atmosphere. It signals a lack of understanding or respect for LGBTQIA+ people, making it scarier to come out.
10. They make a big deal out of gender non-conformity.
Reacting strongly to people who don’t conform to gender norms in clothing or behaviour puts pressure on LGBTQIA+ people to hide parts of themselves. It can make the prospect of coming out and fully expressing oneself seem daunting.
11. They share personal information without permission.
If people are known to spread private information, it can make LGBTQIA+ people hesitant to come out. The fear of losing control over who knows about their identity can be paralysing.
12. They express discomfort with public displays of affection from LGBTQIA+ couples.
Reacting negatively to same-sex couples holding hands or kissing in public while accepting the same from straight couples creates a double standard. It sends the message that LGBTQIA+ love is somehow inappropriate or should be hidden.
13. They make assumptions about someone’s identity based on stereotypes.
Assuming someone’s sexual orientation or gender identity based on their interests, appearance, or mannerisms can be harmful. It puts people in boxes and makes it harder for them to express their true selves if they don’t fit those assumptions.
14. They question the need for LGBTQIA+ representation and rights.
Source: Unsplash Dismissing the importance of LGBTQIA+ visibility in media, politics, or everyday life makes people feel unseen and unvalued. It can make coming out seem pointless or even dangerous if one’s rights aren’t seen as important.
15. They use ‘gay’ as an insult or negative descriptor.
Using ‘gay’ to describe something bad or undesirable reinforces negative associations with LGBTQIA+ identities. It creates an environment where being gay is seen as something to be ashamed of, making coming out more daunting.
16. They express shock or disbelief when someone comes out.
Reacting with surprise or disbelief when someone does come out can make them feel like they don’t fit the ‘mould’ of what an LGBTQIA+ person should be. It can make people hesitant to come out because they’re scared that their identity will be questioned or doubted.
17. They pressure people to come out before they’re ready.
Pushing someone to reveal their identity before they feel comfortable can be extremely harmful. It takes away their agency in the coming out process and can lead to negative consequences if they’re not in a safe situation to be open.
18. They treat LGBTQIA+ identities as a taboo subject.
Avoiding discussions about LGBTQIA+ topics or treating them as inappropriate for certain settings (like family gatherings) sends the message that these identities are shameful or controversial. It makes it harder for people to bring up their own identity.
19. They make comparisons to other marginalised groups.
Suggesting that LGBTQIA+ people don’t face real discrimination compared to other groups minimises their struggles. It can make people feel guilty about coming out or asking for support, thinking their problems aren’t ‘serious’ enough.
20. They claim to be accepting but act differently.
People who say they’re allies but then act uncomfortable or distant around LGBTQIA+ people create confusion and mistrust. This inconsistency makes it harder for people to predict how other people will react to their coming out, increasing anxiety about the process.
