Dealing with a narcissist is difficult enough when you’re doing their bidding — when you start setting boundaries, things get even worse.
Narcissists have to be in control and everything and everyone in their lives, so when you put a stop letting them call the shots and start standing up for yourself, they really don’t like it. Here are some possible reactions you might get from them once you take the reins.
1. They’ll throw a huge tantrum.
Narcissists aren’t used to hearing “no”. When you set a boundary, they might react like a toddler who’s been told they can’t have sweets before dinner. Expect loud protests, dramatic gestures, and maybe even some foot-stomping. It’s important to remember that this behaviour is about control, not about your boundary being unfair.
2. They’ll try to make you feel guilty.
Get ready for a guilt trip. They’ll remind you of all they’ve done for you and how ungrateful you’re being. They might even bring up ancient history to make you question your decision. Stay strong and remind yourself that healthy relationships don’t rely on scorekeeping.
3. They’ll play the victim card.
Suddenly, they’re the most misunderstood person in the world. They’ll paint themselves as the victim of your cruel boundaries, hoping you’ll feel bad and back down. Remember, setting healthy boundaries doesn’t make you the bad guy, no matter how much they try to convince you otherwise.
4. They’ll try to charm their way around your boundaries.
If tantrums and guilt don’t work, they might switch to charm mode. They’ll shower you with compliments and affection, hoping you’ll forget all about those pesky boundaries. Don’t be fooled by this sudden change in tactics — it’s just another attempt to manipulate you.
5. They’ll test your resolve repeatedly.
Narcissists are persistent. They’ll keep pushing your boundaries, hoping you’ll eventually give in. It’s like they’re checking if the electric fence is still on, just in case you’ve turned it off. Consistency is key here — each time you stand firm, you’re reinforcing that your boundaries are non-negotiable.
6. They’ll try to turn other people against you.
Expect some behind-the-scenes drama. They might tell friends and family how unreasonable you’re being, hoping to gather allies and pressure you into dropping your boundaries. This is a classic divide-and-conquer strategy, so be prepared to stand your ground even if other people don’t understand at first.
7. They’ll accuse you of being selfish.
The irony is lost on them. They’ll claim you’re the selfish one for daring to have needs and boundaries. In their world, considering yourself is a cardinal sin (unless they’re doing it). Remind yourself that taking care of your own needs is not selfish — it’s essential for your well-being.
8. They’ll threaten to leave or cut you off.
When all else fails, they might resort to threats. They’ll warn you that if you keep this up, they’ll walk away. It’s a bluff designed to make you panic and give in. Remember, if someone is willing to leave because you have boundaries, they might be doing you a favour.
9. They’ll pretend not to understand your boundaries.
Suddenly, they can’t grasp simple concepts. They’ll act confused about your boundaries, hoping you’ll get frustrated and give up trying to explain. Don’t fall for this act — they understand perfectly well, they just don’t like what they’re hearing.
10. They’ll try to negotiate your boundaries.
To a narcissist, your boundaries are up for debate. They’ll try to bargain, as if your personal limits are a market stall where everything’s negotiable. Stand firm and remember that your boundaries are not up for discussion — they’re a statement, not an opening offer.
11. They’ll give you the silent treatment.
If nothing else works, they might go radio silent. It’s their way of punishing you, hoping the lack of communication will make you cave and reach out first. Use this time to reinforce your resolve and remember why you set these boundaries in the first place.
12. They’ll try to redefine your boundaries for you.
Watch out for sneaky redefinitions. They might agree to your boundary, but then try to twist its meaning to suit their needs. It’s like agreeing not to eat your cake, then claiming licking the icing doesn’t count. Be clear and specific about what your boundaries mean to avoid this kind of manipulation.
13. They’ll suddenly become extra needy.
Prepare for an onslaught of emergencies and crises. They’ll try to make you feel needed, hoping you’ll drop your boundaries to help them out. Remember that you’re not responsible for solving all their problems, especially if it means compromising your own well-being.
14. They’ll try to wear you down with persistence.
Narcissists can be like a broken record, repeating the same arguments over and over. They’re hoping that if they keep at it long enough, you’ll give in just for some peace and quiet. Stay strong and consider limiting your exposure to their repeated attempts if necessary.
15. They’ll try to find loopholes in your boundaries.
If you’re not specific enough, they’ll look for ways around your boundaries. They’ll push the limits, testing to see what they can get away with without technically breaking the rules. Be prepared to clarify and reinforce your boundaries as needed, closing any loopholes they might try to exploit.
16. They’ll try to make you doubt yourself.
Get ready for some gaslighting. They might try to convince you that you’re being unreasonable or that you’re remembering things wrong. The goal is to make you question your own judgement. Trust your instincts and, if possible, keep a record of your interactions to combat this tactic.
17. They’ll promise to change (but don’t hold your breath).
When all else fails, they might promise to turn over a new leaf. They’ll swear they understand and will do better. Just remember, actions speak louder than words. Real change takes time and consistent effort, so don’t let your guard down based on promises alone.
18. They’ll grudgingly comply (while planning their next move).
Sometimes, they’ll seem to accept your boundaries. But don’t be fooled — they’re likely just regrouping and planning how to undermine you next time. Stay vigilant and keep those boundaries firm. Remember, maintaining boundaries is an ongoing process, not a one-time event.
