Parenting doesn’t end when kids grow up, of course, but some parents struggle to adapt as their children become adults.
Even with the best of intentions, you might end up doings things without thinking that really hurt your kids’ feelings and make them not want to be around you. If you’re guilty of any of the following, you might want to rein in your behaviour before you lose your children for good.
1. Giving advice they never asked for
Constantly giving unwanted advice undermines your adult child’s confidence and decision-making abilities. They’ve grown up and likely want to figure things out on their own. Your role now is to be a sounding board when asked, not a constant advisor. Trust that you’ve raised them to make their own choices. If they want your input, they’ll ask for it. Otherwise, step back and let them navigate their own path.
2. Criticising how they raise their own kids
If your adult child has kids, criticising their parenting choices is a fast track to conflict. Parenting norms change, and what worked for you might not be the best approach now. Your child is trying to figure out their own parenting style. Constant criticism can make them doubt themselves and resent your involvement. Instead, offer support and praise for their efforts. If they ask for advice, give it gently and without judgment.
3. Comparing them to their siblings or other family members
Source: Unsplash Comparing adult children to their siblings or cousins is just as harmful as it was when they were young. It breeds resentment, damages self-esteem, and can create rifts between family members. Each of your children is unique, with their own strengths and challenges. Appreciate their individual journeys instead of measuring them against each other. Celebrate their personal achievements without reference to anyone else’s.
4. Guilt-tripping them for not visiting or calling you enough
Manipulating your adult children with guilt over the frequency of their visits or calls is counterproductive. They have their own lives, responsibilities, and possibly families to manage. This behaviour ignores the realities of their busy lives and puts unfair pressure on them. Instead of complaining, try to make your interactions quality time. Be understanding of their schedules, and make an effort to reach out yourself. It’s about mutual effort, not obligation.
5. Belittling what they do for a living
Belittling or dismissing your adult child’s career choices can create a significant rift. The job market has changed, and many fulfilling careers exist now that didn’t before. Your child has likely put thought into their professional path. They need your support, not your doubt. Instead of focusing on your expectations, consider the passion and effort they’re putting into their work. Show interest in what they do, even if you don’t fully understand it.
6. Overstepping boundaries with grandchildren
Source: Unsplash If your adult child has kids, respecting their parenting boundaries is crucial. Overstepping, whether it’s ignoring rules they’ve set or making decisions without their input, undermines their authority as parents. It can lead to tension and reduced access to your grandchildren. Remember, your role is to support, not to take over. Follow their lead, ask about their preferences, and enjoy being a grandparent without trying to be the parent.
7. Prying into their personal life
Asking intrusive questions about your adult child’s personal life, especially their romantic relationships or family planning, can be extremely uncomfortable for them. They’re entitled to privacy and may not want to share every detail with you. Respect their boundaries. Let them share information when they’re ready. Focus on maintaining a positive relationship where they feel comfortable talking to you, rather than interrogating them.
8. Expecting them to drop everything for you
Expecting your adult child to be at your beck and call ignores their other responsibilities and commitments. They have jobs, possibly their own families, and other obligations. Demanding immediate attention for non-emergencies can be frustrating and unrealistic. Respect their time and schedule. For non-urgent matters, give them notice if you need help or want to spend time together. You need to understand that they have a life outside of being your child.
9. Criticising their appearance
Comments about your adult child’s weight, clothing choices, or general appearance can be hurtful and damaging to their self-esteem. They’re adults capable of making their own decisions about how they look. Constant criticism can lead to insecurity and resentment. Instead of focusing on their appearance, appreciate their other qualities. If they ask for your opinion, be kind and constructive, not critical.
10. Holding on to outdated versions of them
Source: Unsplash Refusing to see your child as the adult they’ve become can be frustrating for them. Constantly referencing their childhood behaviours or treating them like they’re still young ignores their growth and experiences. Make an effort to know and appreciate the adult they are now. Ask about their current interests, opinions, and goals. Show them that you see and value who they’ve become, not just who they were.
11. Making assumptions about their finances
Assuming you know about your adult child’s financial situation, or offering unsolicited financial advice can be perceived as intrusive and condescending. The economic landscape has changed, and they may be dealing with financial realities very different from what you experienced. Unless they ask for help, avoid prying into their finances or telling them how to manage their money. If they do seek advice, offer it without judgment.
12. Brushing off their feelings
Source: Unsplash Telling your adult child they’re overreacting or that they shouldn’t feel a certain way invalidates their emotions. Everyone has the right to their feelings, regardless of age. When they express emotions, listen without judgment. Offer support and understanding, even if you don’t agree with their perspective. Acknowledging their feelings shows respect and can strengthen your relationship.
13. Trying to control their life choices
Attempting to control your adult child’s major life decisions, like where they live or who they date, is overstepping. They need to make their own choices and learn from their own experiences. Offer your perspective if asked, but remember that the final decision is theirs. Support their right to live their life as they see fit, even if their choices differ from what you would prefer.
14. Playing favourites among siblings
Showing preferential treatment to one adult child over another can cause lasting damage to family relationships. It breeds resentment not only towards you, but between siblings as well. Be mindful of how you distribute your time, attention, and resources among your children. Recognise and appreciate each child’s unique qualities and contributions to the family. Strive for fairness and open communication to address any perceived imbalances.
15. Refusing to apologise when you screw up
Refusing to admit when you’re wrong or apologise for hurtful behaviour can seriously damage your relationship with your adult child. Nobody’s perfect, and acknowledging your mistakes shows emotional maturity and respect for your child’s feelings. If you realise you’ve overstepped or said something hurtful, apologise sincerely. It sets a positive example and can strengthen your bond.
16. Disrespecting their partner
Source: Pexels Being rude or disrespectful to your adult child’s chosen partner can create a significant rift in your relationship. Unless there are serious concerns about abuse or harm, it’s important to be welcoming and respectful to the person your child has chosen to be with. Make an effort to get to know their partner. Focus on how they treat your child and make them happy, rather than on your personal preferences.
17. Holding their past mistakes against them
Constantly bringing up past mistakes or poor decisions your adult child has made is unfair and counterproductive. People grow and change. Refusing to move on from their previous screw-ups ignores the progress they’ve made and the lessons they’ve learned. Focus on who they are now, not who they were. If they’ve moved past a difficult phase, let it go. Encourage their growth instead of dwelling on past missteps.
18. Expecting them to parent you
Relying too heavily on your adult child for emotional support or expecting them to solve your problems puts them in an uncomfortable position. While it’s okay to have a close relationship, remember that you’re the parent. They shouldn’t feel responsible for your happiness or well-being. Maintain your own support systems and interests. Seek professional help if you’re struggling. Allow your child to be your child, not your caretaker or therapist.
