Your adult children remember everything you’ve said to them.
Every word, every criticism, every piece of unsolicited advice. They’re not kids anymore, but your words still impact them deeply. This list exposes the harsh truths about what you’ve said that they can’t forget. It’s time to face the music and understand how your words have shaped your relationship with your grown children.
1. “I’m just being honest.”
You think you’re doing them a favour by being blunt, but you’re just being cruel. Your “honesty” is often unnecessary criticism disguised as tough love. Your children don’t need your unfiltered opinions on their appearance, career choices, or relationships. They need your support and understanding. Next time, ask yourself if your “honesty” is truly helpful or just hurtful.
2. “When are you going to give me grandchildren?”
This question is invasive and presumptuous. Your children’s reproductive choices are none of your business. They might be struggling with infertility, not ready for parenthood, or simply choosing not to have children. Your constant inquiries about grandchildren put undue pressure on them and make them feel like they’re disappointing you. Their value isn’t tied to their ability or desire to produce offspring.
3. “You’re too sensitive.”
Dismissing your children’s emotions is a quick way to damage your relationship. When you tell them they’re too sensitive, you’re invalidating their feelings and experiences. This phrase suggests that their emotional responses are wrong or exaggerated. Instead of criticising their sensitivity, try to understand why they feel the way they do. Empathy goes a long way in maintaining a healthy parent-child relationship.
4. “I sacrificed everything for you.”
While you may have made sacrifices for your children, reminding them of this constantly is manipulative. It creates a sense of guilt and indebtedness that can strain your relationship. Your decision to have children and make sacrifices was yours alone. Your children didn’t ask to be born, and they don’t owe you for doing what parents are supposed to do. Appreciate their gratitude when it’s given, but don’t demand it.
5. “Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother?”
Comparisons between siblings are harmful and create lasting resentment. Each of your children is unique, with their own strengths and weaknesses. When you compare them to their siblings, you’re implying that one child is better than the other. This fuels sibling rivalry and damages self-esteem. Celebrate each child’s individuality instead of pitting them against each other.
6. “You’re wasting your potential.”
Your definition of success might not align with your child’s. When you tell them they’re wasting their potential, you’re projecting your own expectations onto them. This undermines their choices and implies that their current path is worthless. Your adult children need to find their own way in life, even if it’s different from what you envisioned for them. Support their journey instead of criticising it.
7. “I told you so.”
These four words can destroy trust and openness in your relationship. When your adult child makes a mistake or faces a setback, they need your support, not your smugness. Saying “I told you so” doesn’t teach them anything; it only makes them less likely to confide in you in the future. Instead of gloating, offer comfort and help them learn from the experience.
8. “You’re just like your father/mother.”
Source: Unsplash Using this phrase as an insult is doubly hurtful. Not only are you criticising your child, but you’re also disparaging their other parent. This is especially damaging if you’re divorced or separated. Your adult children shouldn’t be caught in the middle of your relationship issues. Avoid using comparisons to their other parent as a weapon, even if you think you’re right.
9. “When I was your age…”
The world has changed dramatically since you were young. Comparing your experiences to your children’s ignores the unique challenges they face today. The job market, economy, and social landscape are vastly different. Your children are navigating a world you never had to. Instead of drawing comparisons, try to understand their current reality and offer relevant advice if asked.
10. “You’re getting fat.”
Comments about your adult child’s weight or appearance are never appropriate. These remarks can trigger body image issues and eating disorders. Your children’s bodies are their own, and they don’t need your commentary on their physical appearance. If you’re genuinely concerned about their health, approach the topic with sensitivity and focus on overall well-being rather than weight or looks.
11. “You’re not trying hard enough.”
This statement assumes you know everything about your child’s efforts and circumstances. It’s dismissive of their struggles and implies laziness. Your adult children may be dealing with challenges you’re unaware of, such as mental health issues, workplace discrimination, or personal setbacks. Instead of accusing them of not trying, ask how you can support them in achieving their goals.
12. “Money doesn’t grow on trees.”
Your adult children understand the value of money. Using this cliché when they’re struggling financially is patronising and unhelpful. If they’re asking for financial help, they likely feel vulnerable and ashamed already. Instead of lecturing them, have an open discussion about their financial situation. Offer practical advice or assistance if you can, without strings attached.
13. “You’re not doing it right.”
Criticising your adult children’s methods, especially when it comes to parenting their own kids, is a quick way to create resentment. They’re adults now, capable of making their own decisions. Your way isn’t the only way, and times have changed. Offer advice only when asked, and respect their choices even if they differ from yours. Trust that you’ve raised them to be competent adults.
14. “I’m not getting any younger.”
Using your age or mortality to guilt your children into visiting more often or making life decisions is manipulative. Your adult children have their own lives and responsibilities. While they love you, they can’t revolve their entire existence around you. Express your desire to spend time together without resorting to emotional blackmail. Quality time is more important than quantity.
15. “You should be grateful.”
Demanding gratitude defeats its purpose. Your children may be grateful for many things you’ve done, but constantly reminding them of it creates resentment. Gratitude should be freely given, not coerced. Focus on building a positive relationship with your adult children based on mutual respect and understanding, rather than keeping score of past deeds.
16. “What will people think?”
Prioritising other people’s opinions over your child’s happiness sends a clear message that you care more about appearances than their well-being. Your adult children need to live authentically, not according to societal expectations or your desire to maintain a certain image. Support their choices and stand by them, regardless of what other people might think.
17. “You’re making a big mistake.”
Even if you genuinely believe your child is making a mistake, telling them outright is rarely helpful. They’re adults, capable of making their own decisions and learning from their own experiences. Express your concerns calmly and respectfully if asked, but ultimately, let them make their own choices. Be there to support them, whether things work out or not.
18. “I wish you were more like…”
Wishing your child was different is a profound rejection of who they are. Whether you’re comparing them to other people or to an idealised version of themselves, this statement is deeply hurtful. Accept and love your adult children for who they are, not who you wish they were. Celebrate their unique qualities and support their personal growth on their own terms.
