“Say what you mean and mean what you say” is, I think, truly the best policy in life.
However, some people find it really hard to be direct, and instead make passive-aggressive comments that are not only totally transparent, they’re really annoying for the people hearing them. If any of these phrases are part of your vocabulary, swap them out for something a bit less veiled and a bit more straightforward. It shouldn’t be that hard!
1. “I’m just saying.”
This often follows a critical or hurtful comment, and it’s used to deflect responsibility for the speaker’s words, implying that they’re simply stating facts rather than expressing an opinion. In reality, it’s a way of making pointed remarks while trying to avoid accountability for them. If you’re “just saying”, well… just say?
2. “No offence, but…”
Anything that comes after this phrase is likely to be offensive, but this is a pre-emptive attempt to soften the blow of a harsh statement. The funny thing is, it doesn’t actually make the comment any less hurtful. If you use this phrase, it might be worth reconsidering what you’re about to say.
3. “Fine, whatever.”
This dismissive response is often used when someone is anything but fine with a situation. It shuts down communication and expresses frustration without directly addressing the issue. Instead of acting like a petulant teenager, it’s better to explain your feelings or concerns openly.
4. “I’m not angry.”
When said in a tense situation, this often means the exact opposite. It’s a way of letting someone know that you’re really unhappy without directly confronting the issue. If you’re upset, it’s more productive to acknowledge your feelings and discuss them calmly, rather than denying them.
5. “If you say so.”
This clearly implies doubt or disagreement without directly stating it — it’s a way of expressing scepticism or disapproval while avoiding an outright confrontation. Instead of saying this, it’s better to voice your concerns or ask for clarification if you’re unsure about something.
6. “I’ll just do it myself.”
While it might seem like you’re being helpful, this basically implies that other people are incompetent or unreliable, and it can make them feel undervalued or criticised. If you’re concerned about how a task is being done, it’s better to offer some help or discuss your expectations clearly.
7. “You’re so sensitive.”
This is a classic way of dismissing someone’s feelings and blaming them for being hurt by your words or actions. You’re saying this to avoid responsibility for potentially hurting someone. Instead of brushing someone off by saying this, try to understand why they’re upset and address the issue directly.
8. “I’m surprised you managed to do that.”
While it might sound like a compliment, this actually implies low expectations. It suggests that you didn’t think the person was capable of the task in question. If you want to praise someone, do so without the backhanded element.
9. “I thought you knew.”
This often shifts blame onto the other person for not having information they should have had, and that can make them feel foolish or out of the loop. Why not just take responsibility for any miscommunication and focus on sharing information more effectively in the future? It’s really not that difficult.
10. “I was only joking.”
This is usually used to backtrack after saying something hurtful. It puts the onus on the other person for not understanding the ‘joke’ rather than taking responsibility for an inappropriate comment. If you’ve said something that’s upset someone, it’s better to apologise sincerely.
11. “You always/never do this.”
Absolute statements like these are rarely accurate and often used to express frustration. Instead, they can make the other person feel attacked and defensive. Swap out the sweeping generalisations moving forward, and try to address specific instances and behaviours that are causing issues.
12. “I don’t want to bother you, but…”
This usually precedes a request that will, in fact, bother the other person. You’re acknowledging the fact that you know you’re about to inconvenience someone, while still going ahead with it. If you need to ask for something, it’s better to do so directly and sincerely.
13. “As I said before…”
While it might seem like you’re simply restating a point, this can come across as condescending, especially because it implies that the other person wasn’t listening or understanding. If you need to repeat information, try to do so without making anyone feel inadequate.
14. “Per my last email…”
Ah, this old gem — it’s a classic response when someone has missed or ignored information you previously communicated. It’s definitely frustrating, but this level of passive-aggressiveness can come across as frustrated and impatient. Instead, try rephrasing the information without the passive-aggressive preface, especially in professional situations.
15. “I’m not telling you what to do, but…”
You’re saying this, but you know you’re about to do exactly that — tell someone what to do. It’s a way of giving unsolicited advice while trying to avoid seeming bossy. If you have a suggestion, it’s better to offer it directly or ask if the person would like your input.
16. “Thanks in advance.”
While this might seem polite, it can actually be presumptuous. It assumes the other person will do what you’re asking of them before they’ve agreed to do so. Don’t presume — just ask for what you need and thank the person if and when they complete the task.
17. “It must be nice…”
This is a poorly veiled way of showing your jealousy or resentment rather than genuine happiness for someone else’s good fortune, and it can make the other person feel guilty about their success or advantages. If you’re feeling jealous, it’s better to acknowledge those feelings privately rather than making snide comments.
18. “You do you.”
While this might seem supportive on the surface, it’s usually used to express disapproval of someone’s choices, and it can come across as dismissive and judgemental. If you disagree with someone’s decision, it’s better to have an open conversation about your concerns rather than using this passive-aggressive phrase.
