Childhood should be overflowing with hugs, high-fives, and “I’m proud of yous” from your parents, but if yours was a bit light on the feel-good front, you might be carrying some baggage. Here’s the straight-up truth about what that can look like once you grow up.
You’re the ultimate people-pleaser.
You bend over backward for everyone, even the office jerk. This likely stems from a need for external validation to fill the gap from childhood. Remember, self-worth shouldn’t come at the expense of your own needs. In fact, studies show that constantly seeking approval can lead to anxiety and low self-esteem, PsychCentral notes.
Abandonment anxiety is your middle name.
A simple weekend away sends you into a tailspin. This stems from a deep fear of being left behind, a feeling all too familiar from your childhood. Early attachment styles can impact our adult relationships. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby, suggests that our early interactions with caregivers shape how we connect with others later in life.
Love-bombs are your kryptonite.
Someone showers you with affection, and you run for the hills. Intense displays of love might feel foreign and scary after an emotionally distant upbringing. Remember, it’s okay to accept healthy expressions of affection. Give yourself permission to experience closeness and intimacy – it can be a beautiful thing.
“Needy” is a four-letter word.
You avoid asking for help like the plague. This self-reliance is a defence mechanism developed when you had to fend for yourself emotionally. Know that healthy relationships include a degree of interdependence, as Verywell Mind reminds us. We all have needs, and relying on others for support strengthens connections.
Compliments make you squirm.
Someone says you did a great job, and you deflect faster than Neo in “The Matrix” (people still love that film, right?!). This likely comes from a sense of unworthiness ingrained in childhood. Practice accepting compliments, challenge those negative self-beliefs. Studies show that self-compassion, or treating yourself with kindness, can be a powerful tool for building self-esteem, per Greater Good Magazine.
PDA makes you want to barf.
Couples holding hands? You roll your eyes so hard it hurts. This aversion to public displays of affection might mean you never witnessed healthy affection between adults. Remember, love and touch are natural; find a comfortable way to express those things in your own relationships.
You’re always the strong one.
Everyone leans on you, but no one leans on you back. That rock-solid image stems from suppressing your own needs for the sake of being there for others. It’s great to be reliable, but it’s draining if you’re always the giver, Psychology Today notes. Many people will take advantage of that for their own gains, and even those who are well-intentioned can end up taking far more than they give back.
“I love you” is like learning a foreign language.
It trips off other people’s tongues, but those words get stuck in your throat. Even if you feel them deeply in your heart, you find it hard to just spit out those three little words. Expressing vulnerability and deep emotion was likely not modelled for you as a child. Start small; expressing care and support is just as meaningful.
Physical touch is a no-go zone.
Hugs from friends feel invasive, and cuddling on the couch seems pointless. Physical touch is essential for our emotional well-being, releasing feel-good hormones, Healthline explains.
Jealousy is your shadow.
You can’t help but compare yourself to everyone—it’s a gnawing feeling that everyone else got the love and attention you craved. Remember, comparison is the thief of joy, as Theodore Roosevelt said. Focus on your own worth. You don’t have to live up to anyone else’s expectations, and you definitely shouldn’t be trying to emulate the things you see on social media. They’re not real!
Trust is a fairytale.
You’re sceptical of even the purest intentions, constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Betrayal, neglect, or inconsistency in childhood can create a deeply held mistrust of others. Healing takes time – start with small acts of trust.
You’re a master of deflection.
Deep conversations? Pass. Someone asks how you’re really doing? You change the subject faster than you’d ditch a bad date. This type of avoidance is a shield, protecting you from a vulnerability that never felt safe as a child.
Boundaries? What boundaries?
You let people walk all over you, or swing to the opposite extreme: an emotionally impenetrable fortress. Healthy boundaries weren’t modelled in your childhood, leaving you unsure of how to respect them in others or establish your own. Learning to set firm but kind boundaries can be incredibly empowering. It’s also vital to protect yourself!
Intense emotions = panic mode.
Anger, sadness, even pure joy — intense feelings send you spiralling. You never learned how to regulate those big emotions, leaving you feeling overwhelmed and often resorting to shutting down. Emotional regulation techniques can give you much-needed tools to manage these feelings constructively.
You’re a commitment-phobe professional.
Source: Unsplash Relationships feel like a trap, something to escape before it ends badly. Deep down, you’re terrified of being abandoned, so you abandon others first to feel in control. Understanding this pattern is vital; therapy can help you work through the fear and build healthier relationship patterns.
You’re an expert self-saboteur.
Source: Unsplash Just when things are going well, you find a way to blow it up. It’s an unconscious pattern rooted in that deep-seated feeling that you don’t deserve good things. Challenging these negative core beliefs about yourself is vital for interrupting these destructive cycles.
