If you always feel like you’re putting on a show because you’re more worried about what other people think than being true to yourself, that’s a problem.
People-pleasing is an easy trap to fall into, but it leaves you feeling empty and exhausted. Here are some signs you spend more time thinking about what everyone else thinks about you than being your authentic self.
1. You keep your real feelings and opinions under wrap.
Maybe you keep quiet instead of disagreeing with someone in a meeting, or you nod along with a friend’s opinion even if you don’t genuinely feel the same way. While a little diplomacy is important, constantly censoring your true thoughts might be a sign you’re afraid of being judged or disliked if people knew what you really believed.
2. You change your personality depending on who you’re with.
Do you find yourself acting differently around different groups of people? Perhaps you’re loud and outgoing with one crowd, but quiet and reserved with another. It’s natural to adapt to different social situations, but if you feel like a completely different person with each group, you might be prioritising fitting in over being yourself.
3. You apologise excessively, even for small things.
If you find yourself saying “sorry” for things that don’t warrant an apology, you’re way too concerned with other people’s approval. Maybe you apologise for expressing an opinion, for asking a question, or even for existing in someone’s space. That’s because you don’t want to offend anyone or be seen as a bother. However, you have just as much right to take up space as anyone else.
4. You struggle to say no to requests or invites.
Do you always agree to plans or commitments you don’t really want to make? Maybe you’re afraid of disappointing people or worried they won’t like you if you turn them down, but this can lead to overcommitting and feeling resentful. Learning to say no is a vital part of being authentic and respecting your own needs and boundaries. It’s okay to prioritise your own time and energy sometimes.
5. You downplay your achievements so you don’t make people feel bad.
When something good happens in your life, do you find yourself minimising it or not mentioning it at all? You might be worried about seeming braggy or making people feel inferior. While it’s good to be sensitive to other people’s feelings, constantly downplaying your wins keeps you from fully celebrating your accomplishments and can even lead to imposter syndrome. It’s okay to be proud of your achievements.
6. You pretend to like things you don’t actually enjoy.
Have you ever faked interest in a hobby or pretended to enjoy a type of music just to fit in with a group? Sure, it’s great to try new things, but consistently pretending to like stuff you don’t can leave you feeling inauthentic. It’s exhausting to keep up a facade of enjoyment, and it keeps you from connecting with people over things you genuinely love.
7. You avoid confrontation at all costs.
If you find yourself agreeing to things you don’t want or letting issues fester because you’re terrified of conflict, you might be prioritising being liked over being authentic. Of course, confrontation can be uncomfortable, but avoiding it altogether can lead to resentment and unresolved issues.
8. You often feel exhausted after socialising.
Do you feel drained after spending time with other people, even if you enjoyed yourself? This might be because you’re expending a lot of energy trying to be who you think other people want you to be. Constantly monitoring your behaviour and adjusting your personality to please other people is mentally and emotionally taxing. When you’re being your authentic self, social interactions should generally leave you feeling energised, not depleted.
9. You’re overly concerned with your appearance.
While it’s normal to want to look presentable, if you’re constantly worried about your appearance or spend excessive time and money on your looks, it might be a sign you’re too focused on other people’s approval. This could manifest as always wearing makeup, even at home, or feeling anxious if you leave the house without being “put together”. Remember, your worth isn’t determined by how you look.
10. You often feel like you’re “performing” rather than just being.
If you always feel like you’re “on stage” in social situations, constantly monitoring your words and actions, it’s a sign you might be prioritising other people’s perceptions over your own authenticity. This feeling of performing can be exhausting and prevent you from relaxing and truly enjoying social interactions. Being yourself should feel natural, not like you’re following a script.
11. You have a hard time making decisions without consulting other people.
Source: Unsplash Do you always ask other people for their opinions before making choices, even for small decisions? It’s good to get input on important things, but if you can’t decide what to wear or what to eat without asking for advice, you might be too dependent on other people’s approval. Trusting your own judgement is an important part of being authentic.
12. You feel guilty when you prioritise your own needs.
If taking time for self-care or saying no to something makes you feel selfish or guilty, it could be a sign you’re too focused on pleasing other people. It’s important to remember that taking care of yourself isn’t selfish — it’s necessary. You can’t pour from an empty cup, as they say.
13. You agree with other people, even when you don’t really.
Source: Unsplash Do you nod along and say “yes” even when you disagree? Automatically agreeing might come from a desire to avoid conflict or to be seen as agreeable. However, constantly suppressing your true thoughts and feelings can lead to a sense of disconnection from yourself and prevent genuine connections with other people. It’s okay to respectfully disagree sometimes.
14. You’re overly sensitive to criticism.
Source: Unsplash If even mild criticism feels like a personal attack, it might be because you’re too invested in other people’s opinions of you. When we’re authentic, we can accept constructive feedback without it shattering our self-image. Being overly sensitive to criticism can prevent personal growth and lead to defensive behaviour that pushes people away.
15. You often feel like you’re living someone else’s life.
Source: Unsplash If you regularly have the sensation that you’re not living your own life — like you’re following a script written by other people — it’s a strong sign that you’re prioritising other people’s expectations over your own desires and values. This feeling of disconnection from your own life can lead to a sense of emptiness or dissatisfaction. Your life should reflect your own values, interests, and goals, not just what you think other people expect of you.
16. You struggle to identify your own feelings or needs.
Source: Unsplash If you struggle to pinpoint how you’re feeling or what you need in a given situation, it might be because you’re too focused on other people’s feelings and needs. When we’re constantly attuned to other people, we can lose touch with ourselves. Check in with yourself sometimes! Your feelings and needs are just as valid and important as anyone else’s.
