If you’ve been picking up on some weird distance between yourself and your grown-up kids lately, it might not be in your imagination.
Whether they have personal things going on in their lives right now or they’re simply trying to cut the cord a bit so they can establish their own lives independently of your influence, if they’re saying these things, they’re obviously trying to put some space between you. These things might hurt to hear, but it’s likely not personal, to try not to be too upset. If you have a close relationship with them, things will probably even out in the end.
1. “I’m just really busy right now.”
Classic deflection that pops up when kids start setting boundaries. Sure, everyone’s busy, but when this becomes their go-to response to every invite or call, something deeper’s usually up. It’s like a polite version of “please stop asking,” often used when they’re feeling overwhelmed by parental expectations. And let’s be honest — they probably are busy, just maybe not too busy for that weekend brunch with friends they just posted about.
2. “I need to check my calendar.”
Remember when they’d jump at the chance to come over for dinner? Now suddenly every visit requires consulting some mysterious schedule. It’s a stalling tactic that gives them breathing room to decide if they really want to commit. It’s the grown-up version of “I’ll ask Mum” — except this time, they’re the ones looking for an escape route.
3. “We’re trying to establish our own traditions.”
Ouch — this one often shows up around holidays and special occasions. While it sounds mature and reasonable on the surface, it’s usually code for “we don’t want to do things your way anymore.” They’re carving out their own space, but maybe aren’t comfortable saying outright that your annual family egg hunt isn’t their top priority anymore. It’s not just about traditions — it’s about control over their time and choices.
4. “I’m not asking for advice, just venting.”
Remember when they came to you for every little decision? Now they’re drawing clear lines between sharing and looking for guidance. This is basically a “keep out” sign for your wisdom, even when you can see the train wreck coming. They’re asserting their independence, even if it means learning things the hard way. Sometimes biting your tongue is the hardest part of parenting adults.
5. “Let me talk to my partner first.”
This isn’t just about checking schedules — it’s about shifting priorities. Your opinion used to be the deal-breaker, but now there’s a new sheriff in town. While it’s healthy for them to prioritise their relationship, it can sting when you realise you’re no longer the first person they consult. Welcome to the world of being a secondary character in their story.
6. “We’ll think about it.”
This vague promise is often their way of avoiding an immediate ‘no.’ It’s the grown-up equivalent of crossing their fingers behind their back — they’re technically not lying, but they’re definitely not planning to follow through. The “we” part is telling too — it’s a reminder that decisions are now made as a unit, not just between parent and child.
7. “That’s just how we do things now.”
Translation: your way isn’t the only way anymore. This usually comes out when you’ve questioned one of their choices, especially about parenting or lifestyle decisions. It’s a boundary statement wrapped in a casual comment, basically saying, “We’re not taking feedback on this.” The ‘now’ part stings because it highlights how things have changed.
8. “I forgot to respond to your message.”
In a world where everyone’s glued to their phones, this excuse is getting harder to believe. They saw it — they just didn’t prioritise responding. It’s their way of saying your messages are starting to feel overwhelming without having to admit it. When this becomes a pattern, they’re probably trying to reset communication expectations.
9. “You don’t need to check up on me.”
Your concerned “just checking in!” texts aren’t landing like they used to. What feels like love to you might feel like surveillance to them. This often comes after a string of well-intentioned but possibly overwhelming check-ins. They’re trying to say they’re not your little kid anymore, even if you still see them that way.
10. “We’ll have to catch up soon.”
The vagueness here is the key — no specific plans, just a floating promise of future connection. It’s the adult version of “maybe later” that parents often hear from teenagers. When this becomes their standard response to invitations or calls, they’re creating a polite buffer zone. The ‘soon’ rarely has a date attached to it.
11. “I’m still figuring things out.”
This is their way of saying, “Please don’t offer solutions.” While it might sound like an opening for advice, it’s actually a closure statement. They’re trying to handle their challenges independently, even if they’re not doing it perfectly. The subtext is, “I need space to make my own mistakes without commentary.”
12. “That’s not how I remember it.”
This isn’t just about different memories — it’s about establishing their own narrative of past events. When they start challenging shared memories, especially about their childhood, they’re often creating psychological distance. It’s part of forming their own identity separate from the family story you’ve always told.
13. “We’re doing what works for us.”
Usually heard when you’ve offered unsolicited advice about their lifestyle choices. It’s a gentle but firm shutdown that says they’re not interested in defending their decisions. The emphasis on “us” highlights that they’re building their own family unit now, with its own rules and ways of doing things.
14. “I’ll let you know when I know.”
This delay tactic keeps you at arm’s length while they figure out their next move. It’s often used when they’re making big life decisions they’re not ready to discuss. The message is clear — they’ll share information on their timeline, not yours. It’s their way of managing your expectations and involvement.
15. “Things are just different now.”
The ultimate catch-all phrase for when they’re creating distance but don’t want to get into specifics. It acknowledges change without inviting discussion about why or how. When this becomes a common response, they’re likely feeling pressured to maintain relationship patterns they’ve outgrown.
16. “I need some space.”
The most direct phrase on the list, but still tricky to hear. When they finally use these words, they’ve probably been trying to create distance in gentler ways for a while. It’s not necessarily about you — it’s about them figuring out who they are outside of being your child. Sometimes the kindest thing they can do is be honest about needing room to breathe.
