You shouldn’t have to police every word that comes out of your mouth, but it pays to be thoughtful about the way you communicate.
If you’re not careful, you could end up coming off as aggressive, confrontational, or just plain difficult in ways that won’t be doing you any favours.
1. “That’s not how we do things here.”
This phrase, while seemingly harmless, can sound dismissive and closed-minded. It implies a rigid adherence to tradition and a reluctance to consider new ideas or approaches. Instead, try saying something like, “We’ve typically done it this way, but I’m open to exploring other options.” This shows a willingness to adapt and consider alternative perspectives, creating a more collaborative and innovative environment.
2. “I told you so.”
Ah, the classic “I told you so.” While it might feel satisfying in the moment, it’s ultimately unproductive and can damage relationships. It comes across as smug and condescending, rubbing salt in the wound of someone’s mistake. Instead, offer support and encouragement: “It’s okay, we all make mistakes. Let’s figure out how to move forward.” This encourages a sense of understanding and teamwork, rather than creating resentment and division.
3. “You should have known better.”
This phrase places blame and judgment on the other person, making them feel inadequate and defensive. It’s rarely helpful and can hinder open communication. Instead, focus on finding solutions and learning from the experience: “Let’s discuss what happened and how we can prevent it in the future.” This approach promotes growth and collaboration, rather than dwelling on past mistakes.
4. “It’s your fault.”
Pointing fingers and assigning blame rarely leads to positive outcomes. It creates a hostile environment and discourages people from taking responsibility. Instead, focus on understanding the situation and finding solutions: “Let’s work together to figure out what went wrong and how we can fix it.” This approach promotes accountability and encourages teamwork, rather than creating a culture of blame.
5. “You’re overreacting.”
Telling someone they’re overreacting invalidates their feelings and dismisses their concerns. It’s a guaranteed way to shut down communication and create resentment. Instead, try to understand their perspective and validate their emotions: “I can see that you’re upset. Tell me more about what’s bothering you.” This shows empathy and creates a safe space for them to express themselves openly.
6. “That’s not what I meant.”
While this phrase might be true, it can also be perceived as dismissive and defensive. It suggests that the other person is misinterpreting your words or intentions, rather than acknowledging that your communication might have been unclear. Instead, try clarifying your message and taking responsibility for any miscommunication: “I apologise if my words came across the wrong way. Let me rephrase that…” This shows a willingness to take ownership of your communication and ensures that your message is understood clearly.
7. “I don’t have time for this.”
This phrase conveys a lack of interest and respect for the other person’s time and concerns. It can make them feel unimportant and dismissed. Instead, try to find a more suitable time to address the issue: “I’m a bit busy right now, but can we talk about this later today?” This shows consideration for their needs and a willingness to prioritise their concerns, even if you can’t address them immediately.
8. “You’re being difficult.”
Labelling someone as “difficult” is not only unhelpful, but also inflammatory. It shuts down communication and creates a negative dynamic. Instead, try to understand the root of their resistance or disagreement: “I sense some hesitation. Can you tell me more about your concerns?” This approach invites open dialogue and allows you to address the underlying issues, rather than simply dismissing the person as difficult.
9. “You’re just being dramatic.”
Similar to “You’re overreacting”, this phrase minimises someone’s emotions and experiences. It suggests their feelings are exaggerated or unwarranted, which can be hurtful and invalidating. Instead, try to validate their emotions and offer support: “I understand this is a big deal for you. Let’s talk about how we can address it together.” This shows empathy and a willingness to work through the issue collaboratively.
10. “That’s a stupid idea.”
This phrase is blunt, dismissive, and can crush someone’s enthusiasm and creativity. It’s important to remember that even seemingly “stupid” ideas can sometimes lead to breakthroughs or spark new ways of thinking. Instead, try offering constructive feedback: “I see what you’re trying to achieve, but maybe we could approach it from a different angle.” This encourages further exploration and maintains a positive atmosphere.
11. “Do it my way or the highway.”
This ultimatum leaves no room for compromise or collaboration. It creates a power struggle and can lead to resentment and resistance. Instead, try to find a middle ground: “I have a suggestion, but I’m open to hearing your ideas too. Let’s find a solution that works for both of us.” This gives people a feeling of shared ownership and encourages creative problem-solving.
12. “I’m not arguing with you.”
This phrase often precedes a continuation of the argument, making it seem disingenuous and frustrating. It’s better to acknowledge the disagreement and try to find a resolution: “I understand we have different perspectives on this. Can we discuss it further and try to find a compromise?” This shows a willingness to engage in healthy debate and find a mutually agreeable solution.
13. “You’re so lazy/incompetent/selfish…”
Labelling someone with negative adjectives is hurtful and unproductive. It focuses on their perceived flaws rather than the specific behaviour or situation at hand. Instead, address the issue directly and offer constructive feedback: “I noticed that the report was late. Can we talk about what happened and how we can ensure it’s on time next time?” This approach focuses on the problem, not the person, and encourages improvement rather than dwelling on negativity.
14. “I don’t care.”
This phrase, even if said in a moment of frustration, can be deeply hurtful and dismissive. It suggests a lack of empathy and concern for the other person’s feelings. Instead, try to express your own needs or boundaries in a more respectful way: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we talk about this later when I’m in a better headspace?” This acknowledges their concerns while also communicating your own needs.
15. “Just deal with it.”
This phrase is dismissive and unhelpful. It suggests that the other person’s problem is insignificant or that they should be able to handle it on their own without support. Instead, offer empathy and a willingness to help: “I understand this is challenging. How can I support you?” This shows that you care and are willing to be there for them, even if you can’t solve the problem entirely.
16. “Why can’t you be more like [someone else]?”
Comparisons are rarely helpful and can create feelings of inadequacy and resentment. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses, and comparing someone to another person undermines their individuality. Instead, focus on their unique qualities and encourage their personal growth: “I appreciate your strengths and believe in your ability to overcome this challenge.” This approach boosts confidence and self-belief, rather than creating unnecessary competition.
