You’re not going to want to jump your partner’s bones every day.
Sure, it’s hot and heavy during the honeymoon period, but it’s normal for desire to go from an uncontrollable fire to a more measured smoulder over time. However, if you’re not feeling any desire whatsoever for your partner these days, there’s clearly something going on. Here are some possibly explanations for your (lack of) feelings.
1. You’re stuck in a routine rut.
Netflix and chill was fun… the first 100 times. But now your evenings are as predictable as a rerun. When life becomes a series of scripted moments, it’s hard for desire to find its cue. Shaking things up doesn’t mean skydiving (unless that’s your thing). Even small changes, like trying a new recipe together or taking a different route on your evening walk, can add a dash of novelty to your days.
2. You’re clinging to resentment over small things.
That dish they always leave in the sink. The way they never refill the ice tray. These tiny annoyances can pile up like dirty laundry, creating a barrier to intimacy. You might not even realise you’re holding on to these grudges, but they’re there, silently sabotaging your desire. Addressing these small issues head-on can clear the air and make room for more positive feelings.
3. You’re not prioritising self-care.
When was the last time you did something just for you? If you’re running on empty, it’s hard to have energy for desire. Self-care isn’t selfish — it’s necessary. Whether it’s reading a book, going for a run, or just taking a long bath, nurturing yourself can help you feel more connected to your own needs and desires.
4. You’re avoiding vulnerability.
Opening up can be scary, especially if you’ve been hurt before. But keeping your guard up all the time is exhausting and leaves little room for real connection. Letting your partner see your true self — fears, dreams, and all — can create a deeper bond that fuels desire.
5. You’re constantly connected… to your devices.
Scrolling through social media in bed might seem harmless, but it’s creating a digital wall between you and your partner. Those glowing screens are competing for your attention and winning. Try setting some tech-free zones or times in your day to reconnect with each other, face-to-face.
6. You’re not communicating your needs.
Mind-reading isn’t a skill most of us possess. If you’re not expressing what you want or need, your partner is left guessing. This can lead to missed connections and unfulfilled desires. Speaking up about your wants, both in and out of the bedroom, can lead to more satisfying encounters.
7. You’re stressed about finances.
Money worries can be a major mood killer. If you’re constantly stressing about bills or budgets, it’s hard to get in the mood for romance. While you can’t always change your financial situation overnight, having open conversations about money and working together on financial goals can help alleviate some of that stress.
8. You’re not getting enough quality sleep.
Feeling frisky is tough when you’re fighting to keep your eyes open. Lack of sleep doesn’t just make you tired — it can mess with your hormones and lower your libido. Prioritising good sleep hygiene (yes, that might mean kicking the dog out of the bed) can do wonders for your energy and desire.
9. You’re comparing your relationship to other people’s.
Thanks to social media, we’re constantly bombarded with highlight reels of other people’s relationships. This can leave you feeling like your own doesn’t measure up. Remember, what you see online is carefully curated — it’s not the full picture. Focus on what makes your relationship unique instead of trying to match someone else’s staged perfection.
10. You’re not making time for non-sexual touch.
When was the last time you held hands or cuddled without expectation? Non-sexual physical affection can help build intimacy and keep you connected. These small touches throughout the day can stoke the fires of desire, making intimate encounters feel more natural and spontaneous.
11. You’re dealing with unresolved past trauma.
Sometimes, the barriers to desire aren’t about your current relationship at all. Past experiences, especially traumatic ones, can impact your ability to connect intimately. If you suspect this might be the case, talking to a therapist can help you work through these issues and open up space for healthier intimacy.
12. You’re not laughing together enough.
Laughter is a powerful aphrodisiac. If your relationship has become all business and no play, desire can take a back seat. Finding ways to inject more humour and playfulness into your daily interactions can help lighten the mood and create an atmosphere where desire can flourish.
13. You’re neglecting your physical health.
It’s not about having a perfect body, but taking care of your physical health can impact your libido. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and staying hydrated can boost your energy and mood, making you more inclined to feel frisky. Plus, the endorphins from exercise can be a natural libido booster.
14. You’re not creating anticipation.
Remember the excitement of looking forward to a date when you first got together? Anticipation can be a powerful fuel for desire. Try planning special encounters in advance, or sending flirty texts throughout the day. Building anticipation can turn even ordinary moments into something exciting.
15. You’re not addressing underlying relationship issues.
Sometimes, a lack of desire is a symptom of deeper relationship problems. Unresolved conflicts, trust issues, or feeling unappreciated can all impact your libido. Tackling these underlying issues, perhaps with the help of a couples therapist, can help clear the path for desire to return.
16. You’ve forgotten to prioritise pleasure.
In the hustle of daily life, it’s easy to forget that pleasure is important. You might be so focused on responsibilities and to-do lists that you’ve lost touch with what feels good. Making time for activities that bring you joy and pleasure, both solo and with your partner, can help reignite that spark of desire.
