You’re not a malicious person, and you’d never intentionally hurt anyone, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
You always try to do right by people, but your idea of “right” may not match up with theirs, and that can lead to some unintended hurt. Here are some ways you might do damage without even realising it. Try not to beat yourself up about it too much, though — you’re only human, and the people in your life likely know your heart is in the right place.
1. You give unsolicited advice.
You might think you’re being helpful by offering solutions, but not everyone wants advice. Sometimes people just need to vent or have their feelings validated. Jumping in with suggestions can make them feel like you’re not really listening or that you think they can’t handle their own problems. Unless someone specifically asks for your opinion, it’s often better to just lend an ear.
2. You try to cheer people up by downplaying their problems.
Saying things like “It could be worse” or “At least you have…” might seem like a way to help someone see the bright side, but it can actually make them feel like their struggles aren’t valid. It’s okay to acknowledge that a situation is tough without trying to find a silver lining. Sometimes people just need to feel heard and understood.
3. You share someone else’s personal information.
You might not realise how sensitive certain information is to people. What seems like harmless gossip to you could be deeply personal or embarrassing for someone else. Even if you’re just trying to help or connect with people, sharing private details without permission can be a huge breach of trust. Always think twice before discussing someone else’s business.
4. You push your own solutions onto other people.
What worked for you might not work for everyone. Insisting that someone try your diet, exercise routine, or self-help technique can come across as pushy and dismissive of their unique situation. It’s great to share what’s helped you, but remember that everyone’s journey is different. Offer suggestions gently, and respect their decision if they’re not interested.
5. You try to fix people’s feelings.
It’s natural to want to make someone feel better when they’re upset. But sometimes, trying to cheer someone up or talk them out of their emotions can make them feel invalidated. It’s okay for people to feel sad, angry, or frustrated. Instead of trying to change their mood, try acknowledging their feelings and asking how you can support them.
6. You make comparisons to minimise someone’s experience.
Saying things like “I know exactly how you feel, when I…” might seem like a way to relate, but it can come across as one-upping or dismissing their unique experience. Everyone’s struggles are personal and valid. Instead of comparing, try phrases like “That sounds really tough. Do you want to talk more about it?”
7. You push people out of their comfort zone.
While growth often happens outside our comfort zones, pushing someone too hard can backfire. What you see as encouragement might feel like pressure to them. It’s great to support people in challenging themselves, but respect their boundaries. Let them set the pace for their own growth and be there to support them when they’re ready.
8. You offer help without asking if it’s needed.
Jumping in to help without asking first can sometimes make people feel incompetent or like you don’t trust them to handle things. Even if you have good intentions, it’s important to ask before offering assistance. A simple “Would you like some help with that?” goes a long way in respecting someone’s autonomy.
9. You give compliments about appearance to boost confidence.
While compliments can be nice, focusing too much on someone’s looks, especially when they’re feeling down about other things, can send the message that their worth is tied to their appearance. Instead, try complimenting their skills, efforts, or character traits. These kinds of compliments can be more meaningful and empowering.
10. You try to relate by sharing your own similar experiences.
When someone’s sharing a problem, immediately jumping in with your own story can make it seem like you’re not really listening. While you might be trying to show understanding, it can come across as hijacking the conversation. Try to focus on their experience first, and ask if they’d like to hear about your similar situation before sharing.
11. You assume you know what’s best for people.
It’s easy to think we know what’s right for our friends or family, especially if we’ve been in similar situations. But making decisions for other people or constantly telling them what they “should” do can be disempowering. Trust that people are capable of making their own choices, even if you don’t always agree with them.
12. You use tough love to motivate people.
Sometimes we think being harsh or critical will push people to do better. But tough love can often do more harm than good, damaging self-esteem and relationships. Encouragement and support are usually more effective motivators than criticism. Try focusing on positive reinforcement instead of pointing out flaws.
13. You overshare to make people feel comfortable.
Sharing personal stories can be a great way to connect, but oversharing, especially early in a relationship, can make people feel uncomfortable. What you see as openness might feel like too much too soon for other people. Be mindful of boundaries and reciprocity in your conversations.
14. You make jokes to lighten the mood.
Humour can be a great way to defuse tension, but timing is crucial. Making jokes when someone is sharing something serious or emotional can come across as dismissive or insensitive. Read the room and make sure your attempts at lightening the mood are appropriate for the situation.
15. You try to protect people by withholding information.
Sometimes we keep things from people to avoid hurting them. But withholding important information, even with good intentions, can backfire. It can break trust and make people feel infantilised. In most cases, honesty is the best policy, even if the truth might be temporarily painful.
