Families come in all shapes and sizes, and parenting is a pretty personal journey that looks different for everyone.
For parents of only children, unsolicited comments about their family planning can be frustrating, hurtful, and downright intrusive. Whether it’s by choice or circumstance, having one child is just as valid as having multiple. If you find yourself talking to parents of an only child, here are some phrases you should avoid.
1. “Don’t you want to give them a sibling?”
This assumes that parents can easily choose to have another child, which isn’t always the case. It also implies that only children are somehow lacking without siblings. Many factors go into family planning, including fertility issues, financial constraints, or simply personal preference. Instead of questioning their choices, try focusing on the positive aspects of their family dynamic.
2. “They’ll be so lonely!”
Only children are perfectly capable of forming meaningful relationships outside their immediate family. They often develop strong friendships, bonds with cousins, or connections with peers. Suggesting that they’ll be lonely perpetuates a harmful stereotype. Many only children grow up to be well-adjusted, social adults. If you’re concerned about socialisation, ask about the child’s friends or activities instead.
3. “You’re not a real parent until you have more than one.”
This is not only offensive but also completely untrue. Parenting is challenging regardless of the number of children. Parents of only children face unique challenges and joys, just as parents of multiple children do. Being a “real” parent is about love, dedication, and care, not about quantity. Recognise and respect the effort they put into raising their child.
4. “Who will take care of you when you’re older?”
Having children should never be viewed as an insurance policy for old age. Saying this puts unfair pressure on both the parents and the child. Many only children grow up to be caring, attentive adults who support their parents. Moreover, having multiple children doesn’t guarantee care in old age. Instead of making such assumptions, appreciate the strong bond that often develops between only children and their parents.
5. “They’ll grow up to be selfish.”
This harmful stereotype has been debunked by numerous studies. Only children can be just as generous and considerate as those with siblings. Selfishness is more about upbringing and values than birth order. Instead of making sweeping generalisations, observe the child’s actual behaviour. You might be surprised by their capacity for sharing and empathy.
6. “You’ll change your mind about having more.”
This comment dismisses the thought and care that parents have likely put into their decision. It assumes they haven’t fully considered their choices, which can be patronising. Family planning is a personal matter, and it’s not up for public debate. Instead of predicting their future decisions, respect their current choices and focus on their present family dynamics.
7. “It must be so easy with just one.”
Parenting is never “easy”, regardless of the number of children, and saying this minimises the challenges and hard work involved in raising a child. Each child, whether an only child or one of many, has unique needs and demands. Instead of making assumptions about their parenting experience, ask open-ended questions about their joys and challenges.
8. “Aren’t you worried about spoiling them?”
Anyone who asks this is assuming that only children are inherently prone to being spoiled, which isn’t true. Spoiling is more about parenting style than family size. Many parents of only children are conscious of this stereotype and work hard to instil values of gratitude and consideration. Instead of making assumptions, observe how the parents handle discipline and rewards.
9. “They need a sibling to learn how to share.”
Children can learn to share and cooperate in many settings, not just with siblings. Play dates, school, and other social interactions provide ample opportunities for only children to develop these skills. This underestimates both the child’s capacity to learn and the parents’ ability to teach important social skills. Instead, ask about how the child interacts with friends or cousins.
10. “You’re missing out on the real parenting experience.”
This is both hurtful and false. Every parenting experience is unique and valid, regardless of family size. Parents of only children experience a full range of challenges, joys, and growth opportunities. Their journey is no less “real” or meaningful than that of parents with multiple children. Appreciate the depth of their parenting experience rather than comparing it to anyone else’s.
11. “Don’t you think that’s unfair to the child?”
Source: Pexels Asking this relies on the assumption that being an only child is inherently disadvantageous, which isn’t true. Many only children thrive and appreciate the undivided attention and resources they receive. What’s truly unfair is judging a family’s structure without understanding their unique circumstances. Instead of questioning their choices, focus on the positive aspects of their family dynamic.
12. “You’ll regret not having more when you’re older.”
Source: Unsplash Predicting someone’s future feelings is presumptuous and can be hurtful. Parents of only children have usually given careful thought to their family planning decisions. This comment dismisses their current happiness and can create unnecessary doubt. Instead of speculating about future regrets, appreciate the joy and fulfilment they find in their current family situation.
13. “Don’t you want your family name to continue?”
Source: Unsplash This outdated notion puts undue pressure on both the parents and the child. A family’s legacy is about more than just a name — it’s about values, memories, and impact. Only children are just as capable of carrying on family traditions and legacies as children with siblings. Instead of focusing on names, ask about the family’s traditions or values they hope to pass on.
14. “You’re lucky you only have to pay for one child’s education.”
While it’s true that raising one child can be less expensive than raising multiple children, this comment oversimplifies the financial aspects of parenting. Many parents of only children invest heavily in their child’s education and extracurricular activities. Moreover, financial considerations are often just one factor in family planning decisions. Instead of making assumptions about their finances, focus on the child’s interests and activities.
15. “Didn’t you have a happy childhood with your siblings?”
This assumes that the parents’ childhood experiences should dictate their family planning choices. It also implies that a childhood without siblings can’t be happy, which is far from true. Many factors influence the decision to have one child, and it’s not always about replicating one’s own childhood. Instead of drawing comparisons, ask about the joys they experience in their current family dynamic.
