Other people’s relationships can be messy, complicated, or just plain confusing from the outside.
When you care about someone, it’s natural to want to say something—offer advice, give your opinion, or call out a red flag. However, unless you’re actually invited into that inner circle, even well-meaning comments can land the wrong way. Some phrases can come off as judgemental, insensitive, or even condescending without meaning to. They can damage trust, embarrass the person you’re trying to support, or push them further into isolation. Here are some things you should really think twice about saying because once they’re out there, they tend to stick.
1. “I don’t know how you put up with them.”
Source: Unsplash This sounds like empathy, but it often hits like judgement. It implies they’re making a mistake by staying, and that you’re quietly keeping a tally of every red flag you’ve seen. Even if you’re frustrated on their behalf, this phrase puts them on the defensive and makes them feel like they have to justify why they’re still in the relationship.
If they’re not ready to leave, or if they love their partner despite the flaws, your words can drive a wedge between you. Try to remember they see sides of the relationship you don’t. If they’re struggling, what they probably need most is someone they can vent to without feeling judged.
2. “You could do so much better.”
It might be meant as a confidence boost, but it often comes across as “You’ve made a terrible choice.” It changes the conversation from support to comparison, and not always in a helpful way. It can also come with the unintended side effect of making them question themselves more than the relationship.
When someone hears this, it can spark shame. Instead of feeling empowered, they may feel foolish, weak, or like everyone’s watching them make a mistake. If you really want to lift them up, focus on what they deserve rather than tearing their partner down.
3. “You’re still with them?”
This phrase is loaded with shock and subtle criticism. It sounds like you’re baffled that they haven’t walked away, and it invites them to either defend their relationship or feel embarrassed for staying. Even if it’s coming from a place of concern, it rarely feels that way on the receiving end.
Sometimes people stay because they’re hopeful, working through things, or simply not ready to go. What they need is space to figure it out, not a reminder that other people are doubting their choices. Curiosity is fine; judgement isn’t.
4. “They’re not good enough for you.”
This feels like loyalty, but it can come off as arrogance. You’re assuming your standard should be their benchmark, and it subtly devalues the person they’re choosing to invest in. Even if their partner has flaws, that doesn’t mean your friend can’t see good in them.
This comment is bound to trigger defensiveness. Your friend may double down on defending their partner, not because everything’s perfect, but because they feel attacked. The better route is to ask how they feel in the relationship, not tell them what you think of it.
5. “I liked your ex better.”
No one wants to hear that their past was better than their present. This type of comment doesn’t just hurt, it confuses. Even if it’s based on your own experience with the ex, it has very little to do with their emotional truth today. What you’re saying is, “I miss a version of you that you’ve moved on from.” It invalidates their growth and implies they’ve made the wrong turn. If you have concerns, this isn’t the way to bring them up.
6. “They don’t seem like your type.”
People evolve. Their needs change. And sometimes, who someone chooses after heartbreak or self-reflection looks very different from who they used to be with. That’s not a bad thing; it’s often a sign of growth. Pointing out that their partner isn’t “their type” suggests you’ve boxed them into one identity. It might also unintentionally shame them for changing. Let them surprise you. You might not fully understand the dynamic, but that doesn’t make it invalid.
7. “They’re lucky to have you” (with a side of sarcasm).
This can be a lovely compliment—but tone matters. When said sincerely, it can feel affirming, but if there’s even a trace of passive-aggression, it stops being kind and starts sounding like, “They don’t deserve you.” Be careful not to wrap judgement in compliments. If your message is really about imbalance or concern, say that directly. Otherwise, it just feels like a backhanded way of expressing disapproval.
8. “When are you going to break up already?”
Whether it’s said jokingly or not, this comment is brutal. It turns the relationship into a slow-moving train wreck that people are watching from a distance, and that’s not supportive. It adds pressure and humiliation, especially if the person is already in a fragile space. If you’ve heard complaints or watched drama unfold, your role isn’t to call out their timeline; it’s to stay grounded if they need someone who won’t make them feel foolish.
9. “I would never let someone treat me like that.”
This sounds empowering, but it’s often more about shaming. It implies the person is weak or blind, and it rarely invites honest conversation. Most people already know when something feels off. They don’t need to be reminded; they need space to process.
Instead of drawing a hard line in the sand, try asking how they feel about what happened. Giving them space to come to their own conclusions is much more powerful than holding a mirror to what you would do.
10. “Are you sure they’re not cheating?”
Throwing this suspicion into the air is like dropping a match in a dry field. Unless someone specifically asks for your take, it can create chaos and paranoia. Even if you think you see signs, tread carefully. If you’re genuinely worried, ask gentle questions that open space for reflection. Leading with accusation or suspicion only increases stress—and may push them further into denial or secrecy if something *is* wrong.
11. “I could never be with someone like that.”
This kind of phrasing creates a comparison where you come out on top. It’s not about your boundaries; it’s about disapproving of theirs. It can make someone feel foolish for what they’re accepting or choosing. Instead of centring yourself, turn the focus back to them. Ask how they’re feeling, what they need, or what’s working for them. Your values aren’t the only ones that matter in this story.
12. “They seem a bit controlling, don’t you think?”
This one is tricky. You might be seeing real red flags—but phrasing it like this can come off as accusatory or put them in a corner. People in controlling relationships often feel ashamed or protective, and hearing judgement doesn’t always help.
If you’re concerned, ask how they feel in the relationship. Say things like, “Do you feel like you can fully be yourself?” That opens up a space where they can speak honestly, rather than having to defend someone they’re not ready to walk away from.
13. “You two are so weird together.”
Even if it’s meant playfully, it lands as: “You’re mismatched.” Comments like this feed doubt and insecurity, especially if the relationship is new or already under stress. People want to feel supported, not made fun of. If they’re happy and there’s no harm being done, why point out what looks “off” to you? Weird might be wonderful in their world, and they shouldn’t have to apologise for that.
14. “They don’t look like your usual type.”
Referencing someone’s appearance, background, or lifestyle in contrast to past partners subtly implies they’ve downgraded or made a strange choice. Even if you’re just curious, it often feels like veiled judgement. People aren’t required to have a type, and evolving doesn’t need to be justified. What matters most is how that person treats them, not how closely they match previous patterns.
15. “I give it six months.”
Predicting the end of someone’s relationship is never helpful. Even if you’re joking, it plants doubt. It turns a private bond into something that’s being measured by outsiders, and that kind of scrutiny adds pressure where it’s not needed. If things don’t work out, they’ll remember what you said. If it does work out, they might hold back from sharing the good parts with you. Either way, that prediction builds distance, not connection.
