Most parents have the best intentions when it comes to raising their kids well.
However, that doesn’t mean that sometimes, bad habits and emotional blind spots don’t create more harm than they realise. Parenting is tough, and while mistakes are normal, certain behaviours can have long-term effects on your child’s confidence, mental health, and overall happiness. If you’re wondering what might be considered toxic, here are some behaviours that could land you with that label.
1. You dismiss their feelings instead of validating them.
If your child tells you they’re upset and your response is “You’re being dramatic” or “It’s not a big deal,” you’re teaching them that their emotions don’t matter. Brushing off their feelings instead of acknowledging them can make them hesitant to express themselves in the future. No one expects a parent to have all the answers, but sometimes, a simple “I hear you” goes a long way. Kids need to feel like their emotions are safe to express, even if you don’t always understand them. Listening and validating doesn’t mean you have to agree — it just means showing them that their feelings are real and important.
2. You constantly compare them to other kids.
“Why can’t you be more like your brother?” or “Your friend always gets good grades — what’s your excuse?” might seem like harmless motivation, but to a child, it feels like they’ll never be good enough. Comparisons don’t inspire confidence; they create insecurity and resentment. Instead of pushing them forward, they might just give up altogether. Every child has their own strengths, struggles, and pace. Encouragement works a lot better than making them feel like they’re failing in a competition they never signed up for.
3. You make them responsible for your emotions.
If your child feels like they have to manage your stress, mood, or happiness, that’s an unfair emotional burden. Saying things like “You’re stressing me out” or “I had such a hard day, don’t make it worse” teaches them to prioritise your feelings over their own. This can create a pattern where they grow up feeling responsible for other people’s emotions. Parents are supposed to be the emotional anchors, not the other way around. Kids need the space to just be kids without feeling like they have to walk on eggshells around you.
4. You guilt-trip them instead of communicating properly.
Using guilt to control your child’s behaviour might get short-term results, but it also breeds resentment. Saying things like “After everything I do for you, this is how you treat me?” or “I guess I’m just a terrible parent” shifts the focus away from the actual issue. Instead of learning responsibility, they learn to manage your emotions instead. Healthy communication means explaining why something matters, not making them feel like a bad person for not meeting your expectations. Guilt shouldn’t be a parenting tool — it just makes them feel trapped.
5. You shut down their opinions because they’re “just a kid.”
Dismissing your child’s thoughts with “Because I said so” or “You don’t know what you’re talking about” teaches them that their voice doesn’t matter. While you don’t have to agree with them on everything, hearing them out helps them develop confidence and critical thinking skills. Shutting them down repeatedly can make them feel unheard and powerless. Kids don’t need to be in charge, but they do deserve to be part of the conversation. Giving them space to express themselves shows them that their thoughts have value.
6. You use threats instead of setting boundaries.
“If you don’t listen, I’ll leave you here” or “Keep acting up, and I’ll take away everything you love” might sound effective in the moment, but they create fear instead of respect. Empty threats also lose power over time; kids eventually realise you’re not actually going to follow through. Clear, consistent boundaries work better than dramatic ultimatums. Kids respond best to knowing what’s expected of them rather than constantly feeling like they’re one mistake away from disaster.
7. You make love feel conditional.
If your child feels like they only get affection when they behave perfectly, that’s a problem. Saying things like “I don’t even want to look at you right now” or withdrawing warmth when they mess up makes love feel like a reward, not a constant. Over time, this can make them anxious about seeking approval in all their relationships. Kids should know that even when they fail, your love is still there. Disappointment in their actions is fine, but making them feel unloved because of it isn’t.
8. You embarrass them instead of correcting them privately.
Correcting your child in front of other people, whether it’s siblings, friends, or strangers, can be humiliating. Saying things like “You always do this” or “What’s wrong with you?” in public makes them feel ashamed rather than guided. No one likes being called out in front of an audience, and kids are no different. Discipline works best when it’s done privately, in a way that makes them understand the lesson rather than just feel bad. Respecting their dignity teaches them to respect other people, too.
9. You never apologise when you’re wrong.
Parents make mistakes — it’s part of being human. But refusing to apologise teaches kids that admitting fault is a weakness. If you’ve snapped at them unfairly or overreacted, a simple “I’m sorry” goes a long way in showing them that accountability applies to everyone. Apologising doesn’t undermine your authority; it strengthens your relationship. It teaches kids that mistakes aren’t something to be ashamed of, as long as you take responsibility for them.
10. You try to control every part of their life.
Guidance is important, but there’s a fine line between being protective and being controlling. If your child feels like they can’t make any decisions for themselves, whether it’s what they wear, who they befriend, or what they enjoy, they might start rebelling just to reclaim some independence. Giving them space to make age-appropriate choices helps build confidence. Controlling every detail of their life only leads to resentment or a lack of decision-making skills later on.
11. You use shame instead of discipline.
Telling your child they’re lazy, useless, or disappointing doesn’t teach them to be better; it just makes them feel like they’ll never be enough. Discipline should be about correcting behaviour, not attacking their self-worth. A child who is constantly shamed will grow into an adult who struggles with confidence. Pointing out mistakes is fine, but it should always come with guidance on how to improve. If discipline leaves them feeling hopeless instead of motivated, it’s not discipline; it’s emotional damage.
12. You refuse to acknowledge their achievements.
If your child works hard at something, and you brush it off with “That’s what you’re supposed to do,” they’ll stop feeling like their efforts matter. Kids don’t need constant praise, but they do need to feel recognised when they achieve something meaningful to them. Celebrating their wins, no matter how small, builds their confidence and motivation. Feeling unappreciated, on the other hand, can make them stop trying altogether.
13. You force them to handle problems on their own.
Teaching independence is important, but making your child feel like they can’t come to you for help is damaging. If they’re struggling, and you constantly tell them to “figure it out,” they might start keeping things to themselves, even when they really need support. Being there for them doesn’t mean solving everything for them. It means letting them know that no matter what, they don’t have to face things alone.
14. You take your frustrations out on them.
Bad days happen, but taking out stress on your child teaches them that emotions are unpredictable and relationships are unstable. If they feel like they never know what mood you’ll be in, they might grow up walking on eggshells in all their relationships. Your kids shouldn’t bear the weight of adult problems. Managing your own stress in healthy ways sets a better example than lashing out.
15. You make them feel like they’ll never be good enough.
If no matter what they do, it’s never enough, they’ll start to believe that about themselves. Constant criticism without encouragement can make a child feel like they’ll never measure up. In the end, this can lead to deep insecurities and self-doubt. Every child needs guidance, but they also need to feel like they’re valued just as they are. If all they hear is what they’re doing wrong, they’ll struggle to believe in themselves as they grow.
