When you’re in a relationship, you and your partner are meant to be equals.
Sadly, sometimes couples fall into roles that are anything less than equitable. You may end up taking on the role of a replacement parent, especially if your partner is codependent, struggles with practical responsibilities, or simply because you’re used to being a caregiver. However, you need to be with someone who’s on your level and who can offer as much as they take. Here are some signs you’re parenting your partner (and it needs to stop).
1. You constantly remind them of their responsibilities.
Do you find yourself always reminding your partner to do the dishes, take out the rubbish, or pay the bills? While it might seem like you’re just being helpful, constantly nagging about responsibilities can make your partner feel like a child being told off. It’s important to trust that they can manage their own tasks without constant reminders.
2. You make decisions for them without asking.
Whether it’s choosing what to have for dinner or deciding on weekend plans, making decisions for your partner without consulting them first is a form of parenting. It’s crucial to involve them in decision-making processes, even for small things. This shows respect for their opinions and autonomy.
3. You criticise their appearance or clothing choices.
Offering unsolicited advice on what your partner should wear or how they should style their hair can be infantilising. Your partner is an adult capable of making their own choices about their appearance. Unless they specifically ask for your opinion, it’s best to keep these thoughts to yourself.
4. You monitor their eating habits.
Commenting on your partner’s food choices or portion sizes can make them feel like a child being supervised. Everyone has different nutritional needs and preferences. Unless there’s a serious health concern, trust that your partner can manage their own diet without your input.
5. You try to control their friendships.
Attempting to dictate who your partner can or can’t be friends with is a clear sign of parenting behaviour. Adults should be free to choose their own social circles. If you have concerns about a particular friend, discuss it openly rather than trying to enforce rules.
6. You manage their finances without their input.
Taking complete control of the finances, especially without your partner’s involvement, can create an unhealthy power dynamic. Even if one person is better with money, both partners should have a say in financial decisions and access to information about their shared finances.
7. You lecture them about their habits.
Constantly pointing out your partner’s bad habits or trying to ‘fix’ them can feel patronising. Whether it’s biting their nails or leaving wet towels on the bed, remember that nobody’s perfect. Unless the habit is genuinely harmful, try to accept these quirks as part of who they are.
8. You insist on knowing their whereabouts at all times.
While it’s normal to care about your partner’s safety, demanding constant updates on their location is overbearing. Trust is a crucial part of any adult relationship. Your partner shouldn’t feel like they need to check in with you as if you were their parent.
9. You dictate their schedule.
Trying to manage your partner’s time, telling them when to sleep, when to work, or how to spend their free time, is a form of control. Adults should be able to manage their own time. Offer support if they ask for it, but avoid trying to structure their day for them.
10. You give unsolicited career advice.
While it’s great to support your partner’s professional growth, constantly offering career advice they haven’t asked for can be condescending. Trust that they’re capable of managing their own career path. Be there to listen and offer support when they need it, but avoid trying to steer their professional life.
11. You expect them to ask permission for things.
If you find yourself annoyed when your partner makes plans or purchases without consulting you first, you might be falling into a parental role. In a healthy partnership, both people should feel free to make decisions independently, as long as they’re not breaking agreed-upon boundaries.
12. You dismiss their emotions as overreactions.
Telling your partner to “calm down” or dismissing their feelings as an overreaction is invalidating and patronising. Everyone has a right to their emotions, even if you don’t understand them. Instead of downplaying their feelings, try to listen and empathise.
13. You take over tasks because “it’s easier if I do it”.
Constantly taking over tasks because you think you can do them better or faster is a subtle form of parenting. This behaviour can make your partner feel incompetent. Even if it takes longer, let them handle their own responsibilities. It’s the only way they’ll improve and feel more confident.
14. You keep score of their mistakes.
Bringing up past mistakes during arguments or keeping a mental tally of your partner’s slip-ups is unfair and immature. People in healthy relationships forgive and move on, rather than holding on to resentment or using past errors as ammunition.
15. You reward or punish their behaviour.
Using rewards or punishments to influence your partner’s behaviour is treating them like a child. Whether it’s withholding affection when they do something you dislike or offering treats for good behaviour, this creates an unhealthy dynamic. Adult relationships should be based on mutual respect and open communication, not a system of rewards and punishments.
