When you’re drawn to someone, it’s surprisingly easy to fall for who you want them to be instead of who they actually are. You highlight the sweet moments, downplay the bad signs, and convince yourself there’s something deeper, even when the truth keeps tapping you on the shoulder. If any of these sound familiar, there’s a good chance you’re romanticising someone who just isn’t right for you.
1. You spend more time imagining the relationship than actually enjoying it.
You catch yourself daydreaming about how things could be if they just changed, opened up, or put in more effort. But when you look at the actual time you spend with them, it’s more draining or confusing than fulfilling. That gap between fantasy and reality matters. If the relationship only feels good in your head, not in your day-to-day life, it’s a sign you’re holding onto a version of them that doesn’t exist.
2. You downplay things that actually hurt you.
Maybe they cancel plans last minute, make jokes at your expense, or brush off your needs, but you tell yourself, “They didn’t mean it,” or “It’s not that bad.” You start shrinking your discomfort to keep the hope alive. This is how emotional self-abandonment creeps in. If you keep justifying their behaviour at the cost of your own peace, you’re not in love. Instead, you’re trying to protect a version of them you want to believe in.
3. You fill in emotional gaps with assumptions.
They don’t always say how they feel, but you convince yourself they must care deep down. You interpret their silences as depth, their moodiness as mystery, and their inconsistency as inner struggle. When you’re romanticising someone, you do the emotional labour for them. You write a story that explains everything away instead of confronting what they’re actually showing you, or not showing you at all.
4. You’re hoping they’ll become someone they’re not.
There’s a future version of them you believe in: more open, more stable, more affectionate. And even though they haven’t shown signs of growth, you’re still holding out for the glow-up. That attachment to their “potential” can be blinding. It keeps you locked in a cycle of waiting, hoping, and bending while your needs remain unmet. If you love who they might become more than who they are now, it’s not love, it’s projection.
5. Your friends keep gently warning you.
The people who know and love you are raising concerns, even if they’re trying to be subtle about it. They’ve noticed the change in your energy, the over-explaining, or the way you defend this person without being asked. If the people in your life seem worried or hesitant when you talk about your relationship, don’t ignore it. They’re seeing what you might be too close, or too emotionally invested, to fully admit yet.
6. You interpret bare minimum effort as something meaningful.
They reply after days of silence, and you feel relieved. They give you a small compliment, and you replay it like a highlight reel. Any sign of attention feels like proof that they care deeply. When someone’s not giving much, your brain starts treating crumbs like a feast. If you’re romanticising them, even the tiniest gestures feel bigger than they are because you’re starved for emotional consistency.
7. You blame timing instead of compatibility.
“If only they weren’t so busy,” or “Maybe this just isn’t the right season for them.” You’re constantly rationalising their emotional unavailability as a timing issue, not a choice. This helps you hold on longer, but it also delays the reality check. If someone consistently can’t show up, it’s less about the clock and more about their willingness or capacity to actually meet you where you are.
8. You keep ignoring how anxious you feel around them.
You’re overthinking every text, reading between lines, and constantly checking your phone. You feel unsettled more than you feel secure, but you tell yourself it’s just “butterflies.” When your nervous system is always on edge around someone, that’s a red flag, not romantic tension. Real connection should feel grounding, not like you’re constantly bracing for disappointment.
9. You’ve started making excuses on their behalf.
They flake, get defensive, or act cold, and you immediately explain it away. “They’ve had a tough life,” “They don’t know how to express themselves,” or “They’re just not used to good relationships.” It’s good to be understanding. But if you’re constantly rationalising their lack of effort while sidelining your own emotional needs, you’re not seeing the situation clearly anymore. Instead, you’re protecting a fantasy.
10. You feel more invested than they do, and you know it.
You’re the one initiating conversations, checking in, and trying to deepen the connection. They respond, but rarely lead. And deep down, you can sense you care more than they do. That imbalance can be painful to admit, so romanticising becomes a way to cope. You convince yourself they’re “just guarded” or “need time,” even though their actions say otherwise.
11. You’ve stopped asking for what you actually want.
Instead of asking for consistency, affection, or effort, you stay quiet. You’ve started thinking your standards are too high or that you’ll push them away if you ask for more. Of course, shrinking is often a survival strategy, especially if you’ve been dismissed before. But when you stop expressing your needs just to keep someone around, you’re not being loved; you’re trying not to get left.
12. You cling to old moments as proof it’s still worth it.
You think about that one weekend when things felt perfect, or the one message that made you feel seen. You hold onto those highlights and use them as justification for sticking it out. However, if the good times are mostly memories, and not your current reality, they might just be snapshots of hope. Don’t mistake a few good chapters for a whole healthy story.
13. You feel like you’re constantly chasing emotional clarity.
You’re always trying to figure out where you stand. One moment they’re warm, the next they’re distant. You can’t get a straight answer, and it leaves you second-guessing your own instincts. When you’re romanticising someone, confusion gets dressed up as mystery. But clarity is a key ingredient in healthy love. If you’re constantly unsure, it’s not connection. Instead, it’s emotional roulette.
14. You tell yourself they’d be amazing, if only they healed.
You see their potential under all the mess. Maybe they’ve been through a lot, and you believe that with enough healing, they could be the kind of partner you deserve. The thing is, healing is their job, not your project. Loving someone’s potential is risky when their present behaviour keeps hurting you. Hope alone can’t hold up a relationship. It needs action.
15. You feel a sense of dread when you imagine the long term.
When you picture staying with them for years, part of you sinks. You imagine more of the same—waiting, hoping, feeling unsure—but you still tell yourself it could work if everything finally fell into place. That inner dread isn’t your imagination. It’s your intuition. And if your body feels heavier the longer you picture this relationship, it might be time to stop romanticising, and start protecting your peace.
