We often think we can spot a narcissist from a mile away, but the truth is, narcissistic traits can be shockingly subtle and hard to pick up on at first.
These behaviours might even seem charming or confident initially, which is why it’s so important to be aware of them so you can protect yourself from emotional manipulation and make sure you’re only entertaining healthy relationships.
1. They’re always the hero or victim in their stories.
Pay attention to how they talk about their experiences. Narcissists tend to cast themselves as either the flawless hero who saved the day or the innocent victim who was wronged by everyone else. There’s rarely any middle ground or acknowledgment of their own mistakes or shortcomings in their narratives.
2. They use subtle put-downs disguised as jokes.
Narcissists often mask their criticism or insults as harmless banter. If you find yourself frequently feeling hurt by their “jokes” but are told you’re being too sensitive, it might be a sign of narcissistic behaviour. Doing this allows them to undermine people while maintaining plausible deniability.
3. They’re good at making you doubt your judgement and your memory.
It’s a subtle form of gaslighting that can be hard to spot. A narcissist might consistently question your memory of events, twist your words, or deny things they’ve said or done. Over time, this can make you doubt your own judgement and reality, giving them more control over the narrative.
4. They’re overly concerned with their appearance or status symbols.
While many people care about looking good, narcissists take it to another level. They might be obsessed with designer labels, luxury cars, or other status symbols. They’re often preoccupied with how other people see them, and go to great lengths to maintain a certain image.
5. They have an uncanny ability to read and exploit your insecurities.
Narcissists are often highly perceptive when it comes to other people’s vulnerabilities. They might initially seem supportive or understanding about your insecurities, but later use this knowledge to manipulate or control you. Be wary if someone seems to push your emotional buttons with surprising accuracy.
6. They’re charming and generous… when it serves them.
At first, a narcissist might sweep you off your feet with their charm and generosity. However, you’ll notice that this behaviour is inconsistent and often comes with strings attached. Their kindness is a tool to get what they want, not a genuine expression of care.
7. They find it hard to respect your boundaries.
Narcissists often view boundaries as challenges to be overcome rather than limits to be respected. They might push your boundaries in small ways at first, gradually escalating over time. If you find yourself constantly explaining and re-explaining your boundaries, you might be dealing with a narcissist.
8. They’re quick to take credit but slow to accept blame.
In group projects or shared endeavours, pay attention to how they distribute credit and blame. Narcissists are often quick to claim credit for successes, even if their contribution was minimal. Conversely, they’ll go to great lengths to avoid taking responsibility for failures or mistakes.
9. They have an inflated sense of their own importance in your life.
A narcissist might act as if your world revolves around them. They may get upset if you make plans without them or have other important relationships. They often believe they’re irreplaceable in your life and may try to isolate you from other support systems.
10. They use guilt as a weapon.
Narcissists are really good at making people feel guilty. They might make exaggerated sacrifices for you and then hold these over your head, or they’ll make you feel guilty for having needs or setting boundaries. This guilt becomes a tool to control your behaviour and keep you in line.
11. They have a pattern of unstable or intense relationships.
Look at their relationship history. Narcissists often have a string of short, intense relationships or friendships that end dramatically. They might speak very highly of someone one day and then vilify them the next. This instability extends to romantic relationships, friendships, and even professional connections.
12. They struggle with genuine empathy.
While they might be good at faking empathy when it serves them, narcissists struggle with genuine emotional connection. You might notice that their responses to your feelings seem scripted or shallow. They may quickly turn conversations about your emotions back to themselves.
13. They have an excessive need for admiration.
Narcissists thrive on praise and admiration. While it’s normal to enjoy compliments, they seem to need constant validation. They might fish for compliments, boast about their achievements, or become visibly upset when they’re not the centre of attention.
14. They display signs of entitlement.
Narcissists often believe they deserve special treatment. This might manifest as expecting people to bend rules for them, feeling resentful when they don’t get their way, or believing they should have things without working for them. They may become angry or sullen when they perceive they’re not getting the preferential treatment they “deserve”.
15. They use emotional withdrawal as punishment.
When a narcissist doesn’t get their way, they might resort to the silent treatment or emotional withdrawal. This tactic is designed to make you anxious and eager to please them to regain their attention. It’s a form of emotional manipulation that can be particularly damaging in close relationships.
