If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, you know how infuriating and draining it can be.
Narcissists have an insatiable need for attention, validation, and control. The problem is, you might be unintentionally fuelling their ego without even realising it. It’s time to wise up and stop giving them the satisfaction. Here are 15 mistakes you need to quit making pronto if you want to starve a narcissist’s ego and reclaim your own power.
1. Arguing with them and trying to prove your point
Source: Unsplash When you argue with a narcissist, you’re playing right into their hands. They thrive on conflict and will twist your words, gaslight you, and do whatever it takes to “win” the argument. Even if you have irrefutable facts on your side, a narcissist will never concede. They’re not interested in the truth, only in asserting their superiority. Save your breath and walk away instead of wasting your energy trying to reason with the unreasonable.
2. Seeking their approval or validation
Source: Unsplash Narcissists use approval and validation as weapons. They’ll withhold it to keep you insecure and working harder to “earn” their praise. Or they’ll bestow it intermittently, keeping you hooked and hungry for more. But here’s the thing — you don’t need a narcissist’s approval. It will always come with strings attached. Focus on validating yourself instead of looking to them to define your worth. Their opinion of you doesn’t matter.
3. Sharing personal information they can use against you
Be very careful about opening up to a narcissist or sharing any personal information, insecurities, or vulnerabilities. They will store it away to later weaponise against you. Narcissists have no qualms about hitting below the belt and exploiting your deepest fears and sensitive spots to maintain the upper hand. Keep your cards close to your chest and put up a firewall between you and the narcissist. The less ammunition you give them, the better.
4. Accepting the blame and apologising to keep the peace
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are allergic to accountability. They’ll point the finger at everyone else before admitting fault. Don’t let them offload the blame onto you. Resist the urge to apologise just to smooth things over, even if the narcissist is pitching a fit because you’re “making” them act a certain way. You are not responsible for their actions or happiness. That’s on them. Hold your ground and refuse to be their scapegoat.
5. Enabling their bad behaviour and making excuses for them
Source: Unsplash It’s tempting to make excuses for a narcissist’s bad behaviour, especially if it’s someone close to you, like a family member or partner. You may find yourself saying things like “That’s just how he is” or “She’s going through a tough time.” But making excuses only enables the narcissist to keep acting out without consequences. It sends the message that their behaviour is acceptable. Stop covering for them and start holding them accountable.
6. Trying to change or fix them
Source: Unsplash You can’t change a narcissist. Period. They have to want to change for themselves, and most narcissists see nothing wrong with their egocentric worldview. They like the way they are. Trying to force them to be different, more caring, or more humble will only lead to frustration. You’ll end up banging your head against a wall. Accept that this is who they are and decide if it’s something you’re willing to live with or not. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment by thinking your love can change them.
7. Believing their excuses, empty promises, and lies
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are master manipulators and smooth talkers. They’ll spin a web of excuses, half-truths, and blatant lies to get what they want and paint themselves in the best light. Don’t fall for it. Look at their actions, not their words. If they’re constantly making empty promises, shifting blame, and refusing to take responsibility, that tells you everything you need to know. A narcissist’s word is meaningless. Ignore their excuses and empty platitudes and focus on what they actually do.
8. Competing with them and trying to outdo or outshine them
Narcissists see everything as a competition. They always have to be the best, the most interesting, the most talented. Trying to outdo them or prove that you’re better than them in some way will just add fuel to the fire. Even if you are more accomplished or successful, flaunting it in front of a narcissist will only make them resent you and up the ante. Don’t play their competitive game. Opt out and let them win their imaginary contests. Your energy is better spent elsewhere.
9. Feeding their need for drama and attention
Narcissists are emotional vampires who feed on drama and histrionics. They’re never happier than when they’re at the centre of a chaotic whirlwind, basking in the spotlight. Every crisis is an opportunity for them to play the hero or the victim and suck up more attention. Don’t indulge their theatrics. Refuse to be a captive audience to their never-ending drama. Attention is like oxygen to narcissists, so don’t give them the satisfaction. Disengage and starve them of the drama they crave.
10. Expecting reciprocity and getting disappointed
Source: Unsplash If you do nice things for a narcissist expecting that they’ll return the favour, think again. Narcissists are takers, not givers. They’re happy to let you bend over backwards to please them, but when it comes time to reciprocate, they’ll suddenly be busy or incapable. Don’t expect a narcissist to be there for you the way you are for them. It’s a one-way street. Invest your time and energy into relationships that aren’t so lopsided and transactional.
11. Overexplaining yourself and trying to justify your feelings
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are experts at invalidating other people’s feelings and experiences. They’ll dismissively tell you that you’re overreacting or being too sensitive. Don’t fall into the trap of over-explaining yourself or trying to justify your emotions. You don’t owe them a PowerPoint presentation on why your feelings are valid. Your feelings are valid, period. A narcissist won’t care about the nuances or reasons behind your emotions. They just want you to shut up and not bother them with your “irrational” feelings.
12. Keeping the narcissist’s secrets or covering up their misdeeds
Source: Unsplash Narcissists often expect the people around them to keep their secrets and present a united front, even if the narcissist is in the wrong. They may try to swear you to secrecy about their misdeeds or unsavoury behaviour. But keeping a narcissist’s secrets just makes you complicit. It traps you in a web of deceit and prevents the narcissist from experiencing the consequences of their actions. You don’t owe a narcissist your silence or loyalty when they’re doing something wrong.
13. Putting the narcissist’s needs ahead of your own
Source: Unsplash Narcissists are self-focused and expect everyone else to prioritise their needs and desires too. They’ll sulk and make you feel guilty for not catering to their every whim. But constantly putting the narcissist first is a recipe for burnout and resentment. Your needs matter too. Don’t light yourself on fire to keep a narcissist warm. Put on your own oxygen mask first. The narcissist will never return the favour, so you have to make yourself a priority.
14. Tolerating their criticism, judgment, and contempt
Source: Unsplash A narcissist’s default setting is criticism and judgment. They’re quick to point out everyone else’s flaws and tear people down to prop themselves up. Don’t tolerate their contemptuous remarks or non-stop nitpicking. You don’t deserve to be belittled or verbally eviscerated regularly. That’s emotional abuse. Stand up for yourself and reject their unwarranted criticism. Let them know it’s not okay to speak to you that way. Demand basic respect, or cut them off.
15. Letting them trample your boundaries and override your needs
Source: Unsplash Narcissists don’t believe in boundaries. They think they should have unrestricted access to your time, space, body, and attention. They’ll disregard your clearly stated boundaries and needs if it’s inconvenient for them. Don’t let them steamroll you. Your boundaries aren’t up for debate or subject to a narcissist’s approval. No is a complete sentence. If they can’t respect your limits and autonomy, show them the door. You’re allowed to take up space and advocate for your needs.
