In a healthy relationship of any kind — romantic, friendship, or family — people accept you for who you are.
Of course, things don’t always go that way. Sometimes, someone subtly tries to change you, making you feel like you’re not quite enough as you are. It might start small, like nudging you toward a different way of dressing or gently criticising your personality, but over time, it can make you question your identity. Here are some subtle warning signs someone is trying to change who you are. Don’t let them — self-improvement is great to strive for, but it should always be on your terms.
1. They make “helpful” suggestions about your personality.
At first, their comments might seem like well-meaning advice, but if you’re constantly being told to be “less loud,” “more confident,” or “not so sensitive,” it’s a sign they don’t fully accept you as you are. Instead of appreciating your natural personality, they try to tweak it to fit what they think is “better.” It’s normal for people to encourage personal growth, but when their suggestions feel more like corrections than support, it’s worth questioning whether they truly respect your authentic self. A supportive person helps you grow on your own terms, not by making you feel like you need fixing.
2. They subtly criticise your interests.
Maybe they roll their eyes when you talk about something you’re passionate about, or they jokingly call your hobbies “a waste of time.” At first, it might seem harmless, but over time, these small comments can make you feel like your interests aren’t valid. If someone truly cares about you, they don’t have to love what you love, but they should respect it. When they consistently downplay or mock the things that make you happy, it’s often their way of steering you toward something they think is “better” — or something they personally prefer.
3. They push you toward a certain look.
Have they ever made comments like, “You’d look so much better if you dressed like this,” or “I love when you wear your hair this way, you should always do it like that”? While personal preferences are natural, a constant push to change your appearance can signal that they’re not fully happy with how you present yourself. There’s a big difference between someone complimenting your style and someone subtly pressuring you to fit into a certain aesthetic. If you feel like your choices aren’t fully your own anymore, it’s worth stepping back and asking yourself whether you’re changing for them rather than yourself.
4. They dismiss your emotions as “too much.”
Do they act like your emotions are an inconvenience? Maybe they say things like, “You’re overreacting,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “Why can’t you just be more chill?” Instead of making space for your feelings, they downplay them, subtly making you feel like you need to suppress your emotions. The longer it goes on, the more it can make you question your own reactions, even when they’re completely valid. A healthy relationship allows for all emotions, not just the ones that are convenient for the other person.
5. They compare you to other people, and not really in a nice way.
If they often say things like, “Why can’t you be more like [someone else]?” or “My ex used to do this differently,” they’re not fully appreciating you for who you are. Comparisons like this can make you feel like you’re not measuring up, even if that was never your intention. Instead of valuing what makes you unique, they’re holding you to someone else’s standards. If you feel like you’re constantly being stacked up against other people, it might be their way of shaping you into something that better suits them.
6. They make jokes at your expense.
A bit of teasing can be normal in relationships, but if their jokes consistently make you feel small, it’s not harmless fun, it’s a form of control. Maybe they mock the way you talk, laugh, or express yourself, all while insisting they’re “just kidding.” If you bring it up, and they dismiss your concerns, that’s another red flag. Someone who values you won’t make you feel like you need to shrink yourself to avoid being the butt of their jokes.
7. They encourage you to distance yourself from certain people.
Source: Unsplash Do they seem uncomfortable with certain friendships or try to subtly push you away from people who know you well? If they make comments like, “I don’t think they’re good for you,” or “You’re different when you’re around them,” it could be a sign that they’re trying to control who influences you. While it’s one thing to point out genuinely toxic relationships, isolating you from people who make you feel like yourself is something else entirely. If they only want you around people who approve of their version of you, that’s a major warning sign.
8. They subtly pressure you to change your goals.
Source: Unsplash If they act dismissive of your ambitions or encourage you to take a different path — one that suits their vision of the future rather than yours — they may not fully respect your independence. Maybe they make passive comments about how your career isn’t “practical” enough, or they push you toward decisions that align more with their plans than your own. Someone who truly supports you will want you to succeed in what makes you happy, not in what makes them more comfortable. If you start questioning your own dreams because of their influence, it’s worth considering whether they’re really cheering you on or trying to steer you somewhere else.
9. They act annoyed when you set boundaries.
Source: Unsplash Healthy relationships thrive on mutual respect, and that includes respecting each other’s boundaries. If they get frustrated when you assert your needs — whether it’s needing alone time, sticking to personal values, or saying no to something you’re uncomfortable with — they might be trying to shape your choices to better fit their own preferences. Instead of making you feel guilty for setting boundaries, the right person will respect them without pushing back or making you justify yourself.
10. They make you doubt your instincts
Source: Unsplash If you feel uneasy about something, but they always convince you that you’re overthinking or misinterpreting things, they might be subtly destroying your trust in yourself. They might say things like, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing,” or “That’s not what happened,” even when you know it is. That kind of behaviour — which is definitely gaslighting, by the way — can make you feel like you can’t trust your own judgement. If you constantly find yourself second-guessing your thoughts and feelings, it’s worth examining whether they’re making you doubt yourself on purpose.
11. They reward behaviour that aligns with what they want.
Source: Unsplash If they’re overly enthusiastic when you act a certain way but cold or dismissive when you don’t, they might be subtly training you to fit their ideal version of you. Maybe they’re affectionate when you dress a certain way but distant when you don’t, or they praise you when you downplay your emotions but get frustrated when you express them. Healthy relationships aren’t about earning affection by being someone you’re not. If love or approval feels conditional, it’s a sign that they might be moulding you rather than accepting you.
12. You feel like you have to edit yourself around them.
Source: Unsplash One of the biggest signs that someone is changing you is that you no longer feel like you can fully be yourself. Maybe you filter what you say, tone down parts of your personality, or hold back on things you love because you don’t want to deal with their judgement. Feeling like you have to walk on eggshells or change pieces of yourself to “fit” into the relationship isn’t normal; it’s a sign that the connection is based more on their preferences than on mutual acceptance.
