Are you addicted to being a martyr?
If you’re always feeling sorry for yourself and acting as if you have no say over what happens in your life, chances are, you have a victim mentality. This is not only exhausting for the people around you — sometimes times really are your fault, and you are responsible for your own behaviour, after all — but it can also make your own life a whole lot less rewarding. Here are some red flags that you need to start taking some agency in your own life. You owe it to yourself!
1. You always feel powerless.
If you constantly feel like everything’s out of your hands, it might be a sign you’re leaning into a victim mindset. You’re not in control of every situation, sure, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got zero power. Start recognising where you can take action, and you’ll slowly feel more empowered. By focusing on what you can change, you can begin to shift your perspective and regain a sense of control over your life.
2. You blame everyone else for your problems.
Yes, life happens, but if you’re always pointing fingers at other people when things go wrong, it’s time to check yourself. Sure, circumstances and other people play a role, but you also need to own your choices. If you’re constantly shifting blame, you’re avoiding personal accountability and keeping yourself stuck. Taking responsibility for your actions can lead to growth and better decision-making in the future.
3. Complaining is your go-to when problems arise.
It’s easy to vent, but if that’s all you do, you’re not making things better for yourself. Complaining without looking for solutions just leaves you in the same spot. Try shifting from whining about the problem to actively figuring out ways to deal with it. Even small steps toward fixing something will feel far more empowering than simply airing your frustrations.
4. You often use phrases like “It’s not fair” or “Why me?”
Feeling like life’s unfair is normal sometimes, but when this becomes your go-to reaction, you’re trapping yourself in negativity. Instead of wallowing in “why me?” mode, try asking yourself how you can move forward. Everyone faces challenges, and while it’s okay to feel down, constantly feeling like the universe is out to get you won’t do you any favours.
5. Compliments make you squirm.
If someone praises you, and your first instinct is to brush it off or deny it, you might be caught in a cycle of self-doubt. People with a victim mentality often struggle to see their worth, and dismissing compliments is a sign of that. Try practising gratitude when someone says something nice—just a simple “thank you” can go a long way toward shifting how you see yourself.
6. You can’t seem to let things go.
If you’re always holding on to the past, that’s a big sign you’re stuck in a victim mindset. Grudges keep you focused on what’s wrong instead of what could be better. Learning to forgive doesn’t mean excusing bad behaviour—it’s about releasing yourself from the grip of negative emotions that keep you feeling trapped in the past.
7. You think life is tougher for you than everyone else.
Feeling like you’ve got it worse than everyone around you can breed resentment and isolation. But the truth is, everyone faces their own challenges—some just aren’t as obvious. Try to remember that while it may seem like you’re carrying more than your fair share, that mindset only makes things harder.
8. You tend to blow things way out of proportion.
Source: Unsplash Catastrophising—assuming the worst-case scenario—is a big red flag for a victim mentality. Yes, things go wrong, but constantly expecting disaster is mentally exhausting and holds you back from taking any risks. Instead of spiralling into “everything’s ruined” thinking, focus on what you can do to prevent or manage challenges when they arise.
9. Goal-setting feels pointless.
When you’re stuck in victim mode, even thinking about setting goals can feel overwhelming. If you’re convinced things won’t work out, why bother, right? But by starting small and building up to bigger goals, you’ll realise you can influence your future. Achieving even small wins can reignite your motivation and sense of self-belief.
10. You’re always looking for sympathy.
Support from loved ones is important, of course, but constantly seeking sympathy can be a sign of a deeper problem. If you’re always talking about how tough things are, and you’re not looking for solutions, you may be relying on other people to validate your pain instead of addressing it head-on. Shifting your focus to finding ways forward can be far more rewarding than always seeking pity.
11. Change terrifies you.
Change can be unsettling, but if you find yourself fighting it every step of the way, it’s likely that fear is ruling your decisions. Sticking with what’s familiar may feel safe, but it also stops you from growing. Start viewing change as an opportunity for growth rather than something to fear, and you’ll be amazed at how much it can benefit you in the long run.
12. Other people’s success makes you jealous.
If seeing other people do well makes you feel bitter or jealous, it’s a sign you might think success is out of reach for you. But instead of resenting what everyone else has achieved, try to use their success as inspiration. If they can do it, why not you? Recognising that success isn’t a finite resource can help you shift from envy to motivation.
13. Your outlook on life is seriously negative.
If you’re constantly expecting things to go wrong, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. A victim mentality often comes with a built-in pessimism that colours your entire worldview. Shifting your focus toward gratitude and the good things in life can help you change that narrative.
14. You avoid taking risks because you’re afraid to fail.
A fear of failure can keep you locked in place. If you’re constantly avoiding opportunities because you’re sure they’ll end badly, you’ll never know what could’ve been. Taking risks—calculated ones—can open doors you didn’t even know existed. So, don’t let fear keep you stuck in a life that doesn’t fulfil you.
