Just because someone is out doesn’t mean they’re necessarily proud of it.
There’s a major difference between accepting your sexuality and embracing it wholeheartedly, and the latter can be tough, especially when society often sends the message that LGBTQIA+ people are in some way damaged, deficient, or just plain wrong. Sadly, many people internalise that homophobia, and it can manifest in some pretty painful ways that lead to feelings of shame and sadness. Here’s how you know someone is dealing with this problem — if you notice it, do what you can to make them feel secure, loved, and supported.
1. They steer clear of LGBTQIA+ spaces.
Even if someone is out, they might avoid being around other queer people or attending events like Pride. They might feel awkward or nervous in spaces where their identity is visible, or they worry about being judged. Sadly, that can make them feel disconnected, and that’s a tough cycle to be in. LGBTQIA+ spaces are often the places where people can truly feel at home, so helping them feel more comfortable in these spaces is a big step toward self-acceptance.
2. They downplay or deny their own identity.
You might hear them say things like, “It’s just a phase,” or they might completely avoid labelling themselves. It’s not that they’re hiding it — they’re just not ready to fully embrace their identity, often out of fear of rejection or deep-seated beliefs that they’re “wrong.” That self-denial can protect them in the moment, but over time, it prevents them from truly connecting with themselves and other people. Encouraging them to fully own their identity, without shame, is a step in the right direction.
3. They make jokes about their sexuality at their own expense.
Humour can be a great shield when you’re feeling insecure. Someone with internalised homophobia might joke about their identity, using stereotypes or poking fun at themselves. These jokes are often a way to mask deeper feelings of rejection or shame. It might seem harmless, but really, it only reinforces those negative beliefs. Reminding them that their identity is something to celebrate, not make fun of, can help them feel more positive about who they are.
4. They criticise or judge other LGBTQIA+ people.
It’s common for people struggling with their own identity to project their insecurities onto other people. They might criticise other LGBTQIA+ folks who are more open, flamboyant, or confident, calling them “too much” or “stereotypical.” Their judgement comes from a place of fear, of course — fear of being judged or rejected themselves. Instead of distancing themselves from the community, they need to understand that everyone’s journey is different, and no way of being is better than another.
5. They struggle to say the words “gay,” “queer,” or other labels.
For some people, saying words that reflect their identity feels uncomfortable or even wrong. Their discomfort likely comes from years of being told these words are negative or shameful. So they avoid them or hesitate when talking about anything LGBTQIA+ related. Helping them reclaim these words and view them as empowering can make a huge difference. Words like “gay” or “queer” should be celebrated, not avoided. Encouraging a change in perspective helps with self-acceptance (at least in theory).
6. They avoid public displays of affection.
Something as simple as holding hands or hugging a partner in public might feel like a huge deal for someone who’s dealing with internalised homophobia. Even if they’re in a safe space, they might worry about how other people see them. Their fear of being known for who they truly are can create tension in relationships or even end them, especially if the person they’re with has fully embraced their sexuality. Offering support and reminding them that love is something to be proud of, no matter where they are, can help them feel more comfortable being affectionate.
7. They try to prove their worth by being perfect.
To make up for what they see as flaws in themselves, someone might focus on being perfect in other areas, like work or personal achievements. They think if they’re flawless in one aspect of their life, it’ll make up for what they feel is “wrong” about their identity. While being good at stuff isn’t a bad thing, it shouldn’t be the sole way someone seeks validation. True self-worth comes from within, not from ticking off boxes on a to-do list. Let them know that who they are is enough.
8. They feel uncomfortable with LGBTQIA+ representation.
When LGBTQIA+ characters are shown in the media, or public figures come out, someone struggling with internalised homophobia might feel embarrassed or even cringe. Instead of celebrating visibility, they might shy away from it. That reaction is based on years of negative messaging. Helping them see these moments as a celebration of progress can slowly shift that discomfort into pride. It’s all about helping them recognise the power of visibility.
9. They try to fit into heteronormative expectations.
If they’ve grown up feeling the pressure to appear straight or follow traditional gender roles, they might go to great lengths to avoid looking “too gay” or different. They might hide parts of their personality, or downplay their relationships, just to fit in. Conforming to societal expectations can feel safe at first, but it can also prevent them from living authentically. Supporting them in letting go of these roles and embracing who they truly are is a step toward happiness.
10. They never talk about their relationships or their identity with family.
Even if they’ve come out to their family, they might avoid talking about their partner or their identity altogether, which often stems from fear of judgement or upsetting anyone. Keeping things quiet only strengthens feelings of shame and disconnection. Encourage them to open up when they feel ready, and remind them that their identity is something to be proud of. Conversations like these can help bridge the gap and create more understanding.
11. They feel guilt or shame about their desires.
For someone dealing with internalised homophobia, feelings of guilt can arise around their sexual or romantic desires. That guilt is often rooted in the idea that who they’re attracted to is somehow “wrong,” even though it’s really not. Helping them challenge these feelings and reminding them that their desires are completely valid can be a huge step in healing. Guilt has no place in healthy self-acceptance.
12. They feel like they don’t belong or fit into in LGBTQIA+ spaces.
Source: Unsplash Even if they’re part of the community, they might still feel like they don’t belong, thinking they’re “not gay enough” or “not queer enough” to take up space. The feeling of not belonging keeps them from connecting with people who share their experiences. Everyone’s journey is different, and no one’s identity is less valid than anyone else’s. Remind them that they do belong, and their experiences matter just as much as anyone else’s.
13. They struggle with self-acceptance in relationships.
In romantic relationships, internalised homophobia can cause insecurities, leading them to doubt their partner’s feelings or feel unworthy of love. This can create distance in the relationship and prevent them from fully embracing their identity. Support them in building confidence and trust in their worth. By accepting themselves, they’ll be able to cultivate healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
14. They downplay the impact of internalised homophobia.
Sometimes, people dismiss their struggles, telling themselves they’re overreacting, or it’s “not a big deal.” All that does is delay the healing process and keep them from addressing the deeper issues. It’s important to acknowledge and validate the emotional impact of internalised homophobia. Giving them space to process and heal is a crucial step toward living authentically.
