If you have a friend, family member, or partner who experienced a tough upbringing, it’s crucial to be mindful of how you respond to their painful past. Well-meaning attempts at support can often come across as insensitive, invalidating, or just plain hurtful. The last thing you want to do is add to their emotional burden or make them feel like their struggles are being minimised. Here are 11 things you should absolutely avoid saying to someone with a difficult childhood.
1. “It couldn’t have been that bad.”
Questioning the severity of someone’s traumatic experiences is a guaranteed way to make them feel unheard and invalidated. You weren’t there, so you don’t get to decide how bad it was. Childhood pain leaves deep scars, even if the specifics don’t sound “that bad” to you. Believe them when they say they had it rough and don’t try to downplay their reality. Your job is to listen with empathy, not cast doubt on their suffering.
2. “But your parents did the best they could.”
This statement puts the onus on the person to be understanding and absolve their parents of responsibility. While it may be true that their parents had their own issues and limitations, that doesn’t negate the very real damage caused by their choices. Abuse, neglect, and dysfunction are never excusable, no matter the reason. Don’t prioritise making sense of the parents’ perspective over validating the child’s pain.
3. “You need to forgive and move on.”
Rushing someone to forgive their abusers or put their trauma behind them is insensitive and counterproductive. Forgiveness is a highly personal decision that each individual needs to come to in their own time, if at all. It’s not a prerequisite for healing. Pressuring someone to “move on” before they’re ready only adds to their emotional burden. Trust that they’re doing their best to cope and heal on their own timeline.
4. “At least it made you stronger.”
Characterising someone’s traumatic childhood as a positive thing because it “built character” is a huge slap in the face. Would you tell someone with a physical illness that it’s great they got sick because now they’re tougher? Didn’t think so. Strength and resilience can be admirable outcomes of adversity, but the adversity itself is never a good thing. Surviving hardship doesn’t make the hardship worthwhile.
5. “Other people have it worse.”
Comparing someone’s painful experiences to other people’s in an attempt to offer perspective is never helpful. Trauma isn’t a competition. Knowing that someone else might have had it even tougher doesn’t magically make a person’s own suffering less significant. All pain is valid and worthy of compassion. Encourage them to focus on their own healing instead of measuring their wounds against anyone else’s.
6. “You’re just playing the victim.”
Source: Unsplash Accusing someone of “playing the victim” is a toxic way to shut down their legitimate feelings about a painful past. Using this label suggests that they’re exaggerating or exploiting their trauma for attention or pity. It’s a gaslighting tactic that makes the person doubt their own reality. Someone who’s been through childhood hell isn’t “playing” anything — they’re grappling with the very real aftermath of their experiences. Don’t minimise or dismiss their pain.
7. “Why aren’t you over this by now?”
Asking someone why they haven’t “got over” their childhood trauma yet is incredibly insensitive. There’s no set timeline for healing from deep emotional wounds. It’s an ongoing, often lifelong process with many ups and downs. Implying that they’re taking too long to move past it only compounds their sense of brokenness and self-blame. Offer compassion for their journey instead of rushing them through it.
8. “You can’t let this define you forever.”
Telling someone that they can’t let their difficult childhood “define them” forever puts the burden on them to just flip a switch and leave it all behind. But the truth is, our early experiences do shape us in profound and lasting ways. There’s nothing wrong with acknowledging the ongoing impact of childhood trauma. The goal isn’t to deny or erase it, but to learn how to integrate it into a fulfilling adult life.
9. “Have you tried just being more positive?”
Suggesting that someone could heal from the wounds of a traumatic childhood by simply “focusing on the positive” is a wildly invalidating oversimplification. It’s not a matter of attitude. Unresolved trauma has deep psychological, emotional and even physiological impacts that can’t be wished away with positive thinking. Don’t reduce their complex inner struggle to a simple failure to look on the bright side. Toxic positivity isn’t the answer.
10. “I’m sure your parents did what they thought was right.”
Resist the urge to make excuses for someone’s toxic or abusive parents, even if you think you’re being supportive. Assuming their parents had good intentions and did their best only serves to gaslight the person who was hurt by their actions. Impact matters more than intent. Even if the parents weren’t being malicious, the damage to their child was still very real. Prioritise validating those wounds over defending the people who inflicted them.
11. “All families have their issues.”
It’s true that no family is perfect, and conflict is a normal part of family dynamics. But there’s a world of difference between run-of-the-mill tensions and serious dysfunction, abuse, or neglect. Lumping a traumatic upbringing in with more benign “family issues” downplays the severity and impact of what the person went through. Don’t normalise or minimise their experience by acting like it’s just a regular part of life that everyone deals with.
