Mean girl energy doesn’t always manifest as outright bullying or aggressive confrontations.
The most insidious form hides in subtle behaviours that create exclusion, undermine people, or establish social hierarchies, and you might not even realise you’re doing it. You probably don’t intend to come off a major you-know-what, but if these habits are a regular part of your life, you might want to check yourself ASAP and change your behaviour.
1. Making backhanded compliments that really hurt
Saying things like “You’re so brave for wearing that” or “I wish I could be as confident as you” sounds supportive on the surface, but actually delivers criticism wrapped in fake praise. These comments are designed to make the other person feel self-conscious whilst maintaining your innocent appearance.
Pay attention to whether your compliments genuinely build people up or contain hidden digs. If you find yourself qualifying praise with subtle criticisms, stop and offer genuine appreciation instead, or say nothing at all.
2. Using exclusionary body language
Turning your back to someone in a group, whispering while looking at other people, or creating physical barriers with your positioning sends clear signs of social rejection. It establishes in-groups and out-groups without saying a word.
Be conscious of how you position yourself in social situations and make an effort to include everyone present. Face the group rather than just your favourite people, and avoid secretive behaviour that makes people feel excluded.
3. Dismissing other women’s achievements
Responding to news about someone’s success with comments about luck, connections, or how easy their field is undermines their accomplishments. This pattern reveals insecurity about your own achievements whilst disguised as casual observation.
Celebrate other women’s wins genuinely, even when you’re struggling with your own goals. Their success doesn’t diminish yours, and supporting people often creates the positive energy that comes back to you.
4. Policing other people’s choices publicly
Making comments about someone’s outfit, relationship, career move, or lifestyle choices in front of other people positions you as the authority on what’s acceptable. Doing this creates shame and signals that you’re judging everyone’s decisions constantly.
Keep your opinions about other people’s personal choices to yourself unless specifically asked for advice. Their decisions don’t require your approval or commentary, especially in public settings.
5. Using information as social currency
Sharing secrets, gossip, or private information to gain attention or social status treats other people’s trust as entertainment. Acting this way makes you seem untrustworthy whilst creating drama that usually backfires eventually.
Resist the urge to share juicy information, even when it would make you the centre of attention. Building a reputation as someone who keeps confidences will serve you better in the long run.
6. Competing with everyone about everything
Turning casual conversations into competitions about who’s busier, more successful, or has it harder creates exhausting interactions where people can’t share without being one-upped. The constant comparison game makes people avoid confiding in you.
Listen to other people without immediately comparing their experiences to yours. Let people have their moments without making it about how you’ve done similar things better, faster, or under more difficult circumstances.
7. Making cutting remarks disguised as jokes
Using humour to deliver mean observations lets you hurt people whilst claiming you were “just kidding” when they react negatively. This tactic allows you to be cruel whilst making the target look oversensitive for calling it out.
If your jokes consistently make people uncomfortable or defensive, they probably aren’t as funny as you think. Genuine humour brings people together, rather than making them feel small or attacked.
8. Giving unsolicited advice that’s really criticism
Offering “helpful” suggestions about someone’s appearance, relationships, or life choices when they haven’t asked for input is a way of asserting superiority whilst appearing caring. Doing so suggests that you think you know better than they do about their own life.
Wait for people to ask for advice before offering it, and even then, focus on supporting their goals rather than pushing your preferences. Most people just want to be heard, not fixed.
9. Creating artificial scarcity in friendships
Acting like there’s only room for one close friend in your life or making people compete for your attention establishes unhealthy power dynamics. This behaviour treats relationships like limited resources, rather than connections that can grow and multiply.
Build genuine connections without creating competition between friends. Healthy friendships aren’t about exclusivity or making people prove their worthiness for your time and attention.
10. Using silent treatment as punishment
Withdrawing communication when someone doesn’t meet your expectations or disagrees with you is emotional manipulation disguised as boundary-setting. That kind of passive-aggressive behaviour forces everyone to guess what they’ve done wrong and beg for forgiveness.
Address conflicts directly rather than punishing people with silence. If you need space to process emotions, communicate that clearly rather than leaving people wondering what happened.
11. Always needing to be the expert
Correcting people constantly, name-dropping credentials, or shutting down conversations with your superior knowledge makes interactions feel like lectures rather than exchanges. Here, you’re sending the message that you value being right over connecting with people.
Share knowledge when it’s genuinely helpful, rather than using it to establish dominance. Ask questions about other people’s experiences and expertise instead of always positioning yourself as the authority.
12. Making everything about your trauma or struggles
Hijacking conversations to discuss your problems or using your difficulties to shut down other people’s experiences creates emotional exhaustion in relationships. That pattern makes people reluctant to share anything positive or get support for their own challenges.
Share your struggles appropriately, without making them the central theme of every interaction. Give other people space to talk about their lives without immediately redirecting attention to your own problems.
13. Judging people’s reactions as “too much” or “not enough”
Criticising people for being too emotional, not emotional enough, too excited, or not excited enough positions you as the arbiter of appropriate responses. It’s the kind of behaviour that makes people self-conscious about expressing themselves naturally around you.
Let people react authentically without commentary about whether their response meets your standards. Different personality types and processing styles are normal, not problems that need your correction.
14. Using compliments to fish for reassurance
Praising people specifically to prompt them to compliment you back turns positive conversations or interactions into transactions. Saying “You look amazing, I look terrible” forces people to manage your insecurities rather than simply receiving appreciation.
Give compliments without expecting anything in return and address your own insecurities separately. Genuine praise feels good to give and receive when it’s not loaded with hidden agendas.
